Losers Don't Get to Ride In the Tardis

Though I've lost my faith--in myself, in my country, and most of all, in a great deal of humanity, still...there's a nonsensical part of me that still wants to believe.

That wants to believe in miracles. In hope. In the totally illogical notion that somehow I will leave this curse that is my life behind, some day. That something...something totally intangible..something I can't see or hear, feel or touch...something will happen soon, to make everything okay.

Which is total nonsense, of course. My life isn't a television programme, or a book with a happy ending...there's no such thing as knights in shining armor any longer...perhaps there never was.

I want so badly to have a secure existence, to stop losing things! Dear God, how much more will have to lose, already?

I can't make the rent---I'm going to lose my home again...third time in 13 months---I...can't. I just don't want to fight anymore. My survival is totally meaningless. The only one's who'll suffer, really are my three cats--and I'd have to give them up, probably, anyway, if I was homeless....

I am a loser. I wish I wasn't, but winners don't keep losing their homes, or jobs or possessions all the time, do they? Winners have friends around them, and decent jobs, decent lives--winners don't just survive--the LIVE.

There's no Tardis for me.

I fear my only escape from this continual nightmare,  is death. But still...I'm here. I shouldn't be, but I am. Damned if I know why tho'. Guess I'm just too much of a coward to do anything else.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
Mar 20, 2007