Anywhere Else But Here

I'm scared. I don't want to exist anymore. But I have to, don't I?

I don't want to clean house today, I don't want to pay my utility bill, I don't want to shop. I don't want to make a phone call. I don't want to do the laundry.

I just want to lie in bed and escape from this nightmare.

But I can't. I have to make myself go out and do these things. I have to make myself get out of bed int he morning.

I go to bed every night lately, praying that I don't wake up in the morning. That's not a good place to be.

I'm not afraid of dying, anymore. I happen to believe that life is worse than death, that an eternity in hell is nothing, compared to living my life everyday.

Death is the only peace, the only escape from this constant fear and uncertainty that has become part of my daily existence, in the last year and a half or so.

But, I am not going to find any peace. Things that I used to know, like serentiy and contentment--they are gone, and will likely never return to me. I will have no security in my future.

No one wants me, no one needs me. I could die tomorrow, and it simply wouldn't mean a thing. Few would even notice that I was missing. I'm not good for anything, I serve no real purpose. I am And I don't want to be here.

But I'm stupid and stubborn and...I'm here. I don't want to be. I wish I could go somewhere again. Do something with my life again. But...I'm trapped.

My apartment, my life...may not be topped with tall fences with razorwire, but my life is a prison, nonetheless.

My poverty and aloneness and mental illness are all my jailers. And there's no key, no pardon. I'm stuck fast behind the bars of reality.

I'm sure I probably will kill myself, some day. You can't eternally face this continuing slamming of bad things in your face by life--mostly alone--and not finally give it to it.

I'm sort of fighting now, but...I now in my heart, unless something very positive happens--and it's not going to, if it hasn't by now, it's never going to---unless my everyday life--finances, relationships, career, whatever--unless something positive happens, I'm going to die. No one can live with this sort of pain, and want to continue breathing, not for years and years and years.

I am so incredibly alone. My only friends are overseas, and I've never met them--which maybe isn't a bad thing, as they probably wouldn't like me, if they knew me in person. You know, I honestly couldn't tell you, the last time I was physically hugged, or that someone let me cry on his or her shoulder? I can't remember--well over a year, maybe two, dunno'.  I really don't like where life has put me, but..I'm stuck. This is my life, this is all there is, and all there ever will be.

I wish I could escape, but there's no way out. No way, no way, no way.
whovian whovian
46-50, F
2 Responses Mar 26, 2007

People are meant to be around other people. In general, I really don't like most people, but social interaction is necessary for the human condition. Force yourself to get out of your ****** apt. and do something. Go for a walk, check out the library, volunteer. Just doing things makes me feel better. And don't ******* kill yourself. Emotions are better than nonexistance. PS you're not alone

I like you. Feel the same way all the time. But I do think it will get better. I do believe that suffering will end. Just hold out faith even in the unknown.