The Fuse Is Lit!

world duck and cover, the internal switch has been set to "on" and it is certain that i am on the verge of KABOOM!!!!!

what the heck is the trip, what is my deal? why am i so edgy, why does everything feel so intense? it seems that when i feel something i feel it to extremes, there is no middle ground. i can't just sorta like broccoli for example, i have to either love broccoli with all my heart, or loathe broccoli- with all my heart. where is the in between?

i'm fighting for control here. my blood has been turned to broil mode, i can sense it rising up from the bottoms of my feet, passing my calves setting them ablaze, the knees are next, ready to combust any second. the inferno sets about generally consuming the rest of my body, the rapid oxidation engulfing my thighs, hips and torso, the cinders rekindle to envelop my breasts and all that is left is what would appear the head of a broken woman. i've surpassed the point of return- everything too much to handle. i am ready... the dangerous C-4 in my head ignited by the pain of the nerve endings at base of my skull. i'm so angry, so sad, so empty, so alone; it all hurts. i want to explode, but then reality reminds me that i'm not strong enough to do that either, all i am able to do is blow a little smoke.

instead of KABOOM, all i seem to be able to manage  is a weak, "puff".

why is it that the one person that could difuse me is too lost in their own world to realize i'm burning.

lostcancerian lostcancerian
36-40, F
6 Responses Aug 6, 2007

The "puff"

There is one way to solve your problem. One way I can GUARENTEE that will help you. Do something to help others. Anything. Get a list of widdows from a church and write them letters hoping they are well (you know many go to the mail box every day only to find bills, nothing personal or caring... I see my neighbor do it every day), or try to grow some kind of flower and trim them, taking them to those in the hospital, or those widdows. Work with children in need or someone, anyone that hurts as much or more then you. It will take the focus off of yourself, just long enough to breathe and you will begin to breathe more and more as you continue to come up with ideas. Please try it, it will change your life.

Watch out for the moon. The full moon affects Cancerians like you wouldn't believe. Every phase of the moon will pull you a different direction. You have to be very aware of this.

What you need is a good, angry pounding, my dear.<br />
<br />
A long bout to drain all the stress and energy out of you when you get in that mood.

i wish it were a mental illness such as bi-polar disorder, at least then i would have a name for it and a potential means of controlling it. unfortunately it's just the bad effects of being an extreme cancer mixed with depression, heartache, confusion, hunger, lust, loss and pain blended together in a volatile concoction. thank you for your words though. they mean much :)

The feelings you describe remind me vividly of my Bipolar life - everything must be the most or the least - the best or the worst. Hard to stay right in the center, where it's safe. I think you're a complex individual and your best bet for getting "de-fused" is to look inward - not outward. The moment you start relying on others for your mental health you put yourself at risk.