I Want To Be Truer To Myself

I feel like I hold myself back so much. In the sense that, even anonymously I maintain a sense of propriety. I just want to freely express myself sometimes. Confessing my feelings for my lecturer, I want to admit the things I think about him in my head, but I'm still finding it hard to write it down.

For a start, I want to screw him, I fantasise about my lips all over his body and his hot hard **** in my mouth. Saying these things, even anonymously makes me feel...cheap or slutty and I don't want others to think of me in that way.

But I want him so badly sometimes: to feel him, feel him inside me, hear his moaning voice, see his face as he comes, touch him, have his hands over my body, feel his strength and weight on top of me. At other times, reason overrides my feelings - it would never work out, I doubt myself and whether he'd ever actually be interested in me, I'm just romanticising it and it's not likely to work out the way I see it in my head. So I avoid making any contact apart from going out of my way to see him as much as possible.

I just feel like I'm not being true to myself and so in the end I don't know what I want; and then I think 'what if what I want is bad for me?'. So whichever way I turn, I bring myself to a standstill. What do I do? How can I be true to myself without hurting others and doing something that I'll regret in future?
faston77 faston77
22-25, F
May 7, 2012