Why Do I Find This So Hard?

I think my inability to express myself openly has created a lot of inner turmoil and pain. I repress everything and keep it locked down. I then find that I start to feel completely overwhelmed, mentally exhausted and that I suffer from physical problems such as a tight feeling in my chest, migraines, racing heart, tiredness and no appetite. It is like the unspoken words are making me ill, rotting inside me.
I am finding this is the case right now. I seem to be on self destruct in many ways and am really struggling.
My 18 year old sister recently attempted suicide, yet my parents are in denial. Because of this, she tells me EVERYTHING. It is very difficult to hear and frightening as well. She said she has gone to the doctors but I fear she is lying. I have offered to do everything, accompany her to the doctors, pay for counselling, listen....yet I feel we are going round in circles and my parents inability to handle it all has meant that all the responsibility has fallen on me. This has understandably created a rift between myself and my parents.
I work with children and my job has been particularly hectic lately. I am single, have no friends and so no support.
I decided that I had to tell someone and knew I was seeing a co worker who I have known for years one particular day. She never turned up so I ended up texting her and telling her a bit of what was wrong. She never replied but a few days on she came to see me and yet again, we were interrupted by her boss. I cant not tell her the whole thing but am now petrified. I am worried she will be freaked out by my sister and of the subject, that she will judge me and think me bad for not doing more and most of all that I will cry and break down in front of her. There will be raw vulnerability and pain on show which I will not be able to hide. Once the words come out, that is it. There is no taking them back. I dont want her to change towards me or for anyone I choose to confide in to change. I feel I am taking a real leap of faith here. This is not something I do often if at all. To sit there in front of someone and be vulnerable and hurt. I find that hard.
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1 Response May 13, 2012

I now something of what your feeling but its better to open up and talk if your co-worker is indeed your friend she will want to help.You can also start a diary and write what is going down and how you feel,don't be to hard on your parents as its a coping meccanism to deny.You can friend and message me and I WILL read and give advise.For botrh you and Sister.Is your Sister stiull at school?If so get her to talk to school counciller they should be able to help!

you are her sister not her keeper so please don't be to hard on yourself.She is the only one who can do anything when she realises she needs help.

Its part of caring when you know some one needs help but will not accept.PM me if ylou need to vent!