Fear

Webster's dictionary defines it . . . .FEAR . . . dread; alarm; anxiety; unpleasant emotion caused by coming evil or danger; to regard with fear; hesitate; shrink from; revere.

Feet frozen I stand before the forboding forest of fear yet again paralyzed in its shadows that completely surround me . . . towering over me . . . through me . . . with eyes wide open . . . heart pounding . . . breath caught . . . I cannot think clearly . . . I am not prepared . . . and I know I must be in order to get through it . . . and like a voice shouting in the distance . . . danger . . . retreat . . . you won't make it . . . now is not the time . . . every part of my being screams out to fall back . . . fall back and LOOK . . . look at it . . . know thy enemy . . . I take one last glimpse at the monster whose hand is hovering just inches over my heart and ready to squeeze should I decide to face it now so unready . . . and RUN . . . turn back and run like hell . . . and so I do . . . I retreat yet again to gather my forces . . . my strengths . . . to fortify the walls of my heart with iron plates of courage and revits of resolve . . . and like a mantra that plays itself over and over again in my mind . . . you can do this . . . you will do this . . . you MUST . . .
and so it is like this every single time . . . and just when I think . . . ok . . . I am ready . . . now is the time to face it . . . a sneak attack perhaps . . . maybe this time you will catch it off guard . . . you will be strong . . . you will be quick . . . you will win . . . you want victory . . . so badly you can taste it . . . you see yourself holding the enemy flag standing tall and proud realizing the powerful beast you took on . . . and won . . . WOW . . . yeah . . . that's it . . . that's what I want . . . that's where I need to be . . . and so with a steady lip . . . and steely eyes . . . a quick pounding of the heart to indicate the adrenaline is ready and flowing . . . you look up . . . and just as you are about to rush in to claim your prize . . . the monster looms before you . . . now even bigger . . . now even stronger . . . now even more solid then it ever was before . . . and as the beads of sweat form on your brow you realize . . . it knows . . . it sees through you . . . hones in on your every weakness . . . and again . . . you know in your heart of hearts . . . the core of your very being . . . you are not ready . . . not today . . . not ever you wonder . . . and as the heart slows . . . and spirit sinks . . . you sigh . . . turn back . . . and hope for tomorrow.


maltesemermaid maltesemermaid
41-45, F
4 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I think I've said this in reply to someone else's story but again. Does that fear hinder you from loving those around you fully? If it does not, I don't think it's necessary to face it. It's very hard for me to grasp what real life implications your story has for you. Maybe you could elaborate?

Regards, A.P.

I have a mental illness . . . Schizotypal Personality Disorder . . . I have many fears . . . mistrust . . . and paranoia . . . all symtoms of this disorder . . . they diagnosed me after a pretty horrific suicide attempt . . . after fighting it on my own all my life the monsters finally won a battle . . . but they haven't won the war . . . I have many mental monsters to face . . .

I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope you keep loving relationship with people around you and perhaps fight the fight together :)

Thank you..so well described..you and Cyn.write so well..love and peace..love you my sister..xo

awww thank you my brother . . . you are most kind . . . love and peace to you too . . . xo . . . 8D

Great story mm.....like always....I LOVE what jessy wrote! I do think we learn from it. I have run, hid and shook in my boots and cried a lot of tears trembling on the floor in front of the "fear monster" too.... more then I wanna admit to sometimes.. but I am learning..little by little to look up once in awhile and get pissed cause my knees hurt from being on that darn floor.....
Sometimes I find the bravery to stand up and kick that sucker right in the shins too! I will always be scared of a lot of things but I am learning to sort it out and sometimes just walking away from it and leaving it in tomorrows hands is the best that can be done too....

We can all be chickens together on the really bad days cause they say there is strength in numbers!! :) I'll still bring some chocolate too!

thanx for the commisserations sweetie . . . always nice to know you're not alone . . . now how 'bout those chocolates . . . 8D

I totally got a NEW batch...... With popcorn and chocolate we can't go wrong!! :D ♥

The strength of this idea is in seeing tomorrow as holding a fresh opportunity for overcoming that which is feared. Dear heart, we all quaked at the feet of this monster or one much like it. I think fear is the best teacher for courage. Seeing that something lives beyond that fear is a successful conclusion to one of the most difficult classes in that learning. I am very familiar with fears. At its feet and waving it farewell in the distance. I, like you, am still learning.

this beast is never truely conquered . . . some battles won perhaps . . . but standing like a mighty sentenial to the psyche . . . once defeated . . . chaos rains . . . for a life without fear becomes something to be feared itself . . . it has its purpose . . .

So true...so very true my friend. The realization of this very fact may well foster the greatest strength one can possess. We always live in the shadows of our worst moments becoming our greatest victories. Perhaps it is within this seeming contradiction that hope may arise.