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Co-worker Love...

I met this girl at work, 11 years younger than myself. Dear God, she was so beautiful to me. Gorgeous long red hair, these adorable huge puppy dog eyes, always smiling, always flirty... a comfy, cuddly voluptuous body, with plenty of curves. Such a wonderful personality, so friendly, so outgoing... Her smile and the sparkle in her eyes could just light up my days no matter how badly I felt. We went out to dinner on Valentine's Day back in 2010. I felt instant chemistry, and her eyes were so bright and spritely, her laugh and her mannerisms, her little quirks were just so endearingly cute, I can't even express how she made me feel.

I had been a loner for so very long. I'm talking years. Years of nothing but reading books and thinking how great it would be to have someone to hold, thinking of how warm another person is. I had not had physical human contact in so long, and this just felt so right.

We wound up coming back to my place, and she expressed her love of Pixar movies. We watched "Up" for the first time, and she was in my arms. I confessed to her that I wanted to kiss her, and she said to me "What's stopping you?". So I did, and what followed turned into an amazing night that I'll never forget.

But my feelings were and still are complicated, and the situation was even more so. How would I even relate to someone who was still a teenager? I've fallen for girls such as her my entire life, and these little wonderful moments just never last. Something about Aries women... They just add adventure and excitement into an old Taurus's heart, such as mine. I never told her how I felt. Maybe that was my biggest mistake; maybe not. I'm not completely sure yet. I'll know the day she outright stops responding to my texts indefinitely.

I've never just simply hooked up with someone on a first date, and certainly not with a girl who was so much younger than myself. We've been on and off friends with benefits for 2 years now. And she's had lovers in between, fast guys, rock stars, people who've come and gone, people who've stayed... I can't bring myself to ask her if she ever loved me, or felt the way I do about her. I've been young, had my shot, became the person that I am. It's her time now, and I don't want to shackle any of her potential to my homebody ways. But still, I think of what could've become of us, if I had been just a bit more of a thrill-seeker. Just a little bit more of what these other guys were. Maybe I won in the end, since she still comes back.

To this day, I still feel so very deeply for her, still see her at work, and my heart breaks just a little bit. But then she'll find me at the most unexpected times, give me a hug, and we'll talk and make each other laugh. Perhaps I'm given my answer when she still sends smiles my way. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it's real. But she made me feel again. And that was worth any pain I place on myself for wanting what I can't realistically have. To feel again. To love again...I don't feel as though I'm capable of giving her the excitement her young body and furious red hair craves, but I feel at least when the party's over, I can provide a soft secure landing so that this free bird beauty may fly away always - And then come back to land again when comfort and quiet and peace beckon.

I wonder when the next one will come along. I wonder if she'll have red hair.
TheDarkTower TheDarkTower 31-35, M 5 Responses Jan 25, 2012

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wow! I typed in google ''i want to fall in love again'' and this is what i run into. What a story! and so beautifully well written. I got goosebumps. I was very in love with an older man a couple of years ago, and i still have deep and strong feelings for him. I longed for him to say that he loved me but that never came. Love is a strange thing.

. . . my heart hurts because i spent all day just trying to find someone to go to a concert with me<br />
how can it be so hard<br />
i had so many guys knocking down my door and competing for me, and still i do get lots of hits on sites but i dont want sex <br />
JUST sex<br />
i dont want to settle<br />
maybe thats what is wrong. why is it so hard to have friends ?<br />
flesh on flesh?

i think its nice and beautiful that we have women like this in the world! they'll probably end up lonely but that's their problem! just enjoy the ride and thank your lucky stars that you'll have those bittersweet memories to last till you're on your deathbed.

its obvious the girl has feelings for you,why didnt she completly let go of you ,she probably is waithing for you to say the magic words......i think you are going to loose this girl over more determined and opened man that she will eventually meet.you should be more serious and be honest with her or would you rader not?just playing games ?

I think she's the one who likes playing games. I've noticed with other guys, as soon as they make a commitment, she bounces and leaves. I think she likes the idea of having a relationship but wants multiple suitors. Maybe she just likes being chased, or is polyamorous. I haven't been able to figure it out yet. But I'm not interested in become an ex. So I guess we're both playing games to keep the situation the way we want.

It's a little bitter sweet. You can't control who you find attractive or how they make you feel... And once you feel that way, and once you have those thoughts, you can't unthink them. Can't unfeel them. And it's amazing to me that someone can affect you in such a way, just by being who they are. I've had crushes on people that will never know. Fallen for people I've never even had a conversation with lol. Wish I could turn off that section of my brain that is responsible for these feelings, it doesn't really help me in any functional productive way. But I guess that's why they call it a "crush".