My Wife Does Not Know :(

I am having some major marriage issues and this weekend everything came into full swing and I don't know what to do.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years (4 in June). I knew from the moment I met her that she would be someone special to me and she is by far my best friend. My problem is that I was a jerk for many years as I never thought I was good enough and thought she was going to cheat on me. I never realized I was like this until last year when I made a big scene in public and we almost broke up. In the course of this, I found that she had been talking to another man to the tune of over $2,000 in cell phone charges.

Obviously I freaked as she was freaking about my flipping on her in public. But I knew I had it coming after really looking at how I had been. I know the other guy and I had my wife's story checked out (that they were only friends). I guess it would have been easier had they been more, but the guy is very happily married and I guess he just offered her an ear when she needed it. In any event we decided we needed counseling so we started, however the counselor did not want to see us together, she wanted to see us each seperately.

I think everything went well and some major things got worked out and I was told I needed to make some serious changes and she was told she needed to make some changes. We both felt OK so we stopped going, never progressing to the point where we would see the counselor together. After about 3 months I kind of fell back into being a jerk here and there because I was not getting the support from my wife and I felt like I was working hard and she was not. I never reverted back to my old self, but I think I would have instances where my old self would pop out here and there.

Well we went along for about 6-7 months OK. Getting along sometimes, but other times not. We also very rarely make love. In paying my most recent cell phone bill I see she had been talking to this guy a little more again. They have spoken throughout, but not a ton. Now there were instances that she would call him before me and text him before me. So I called her on it and she said she felt awful and she was sorry. Again, I checked it out and she never did anything sexual with this guy, and in fact I don't think he would. But, I told her it was wrong and she agreed and again she has been OK with it and was very sorry. She has been going to a counselor on her own and even that person told her this needed to stop.

But we had a big fight Sunday night and she said that she did not know if she wanted to try and make our marriage work because she does not feel the same way about me anymore, alot of which has to do with how I was years ago. But don't marriages have hills and valleys? I don't think every married person has the same feelings throughout every year of a marriage as they did when they first got together.

I cannot even write words on this page enough to say how much I love her and how she is by far my best friend. If anyone out there has any suggestions please let me know. I told her that we really never fixed our original problems because we gave up on couseling before we even did it (I think we went 3 or 4 times each), and even doing what we did garned us many months of happiness. I cannot see how anyone can know something is not going to work if they have never really given it a shot.

Yesterday morning I spoke with my wife and she said that she needs to make a decision and I need to back off. Basically she says that she never had to live or survive on her own and she has this fear that she could not make it on her own. She says that she has this feeling that she needs to be independant on her own for once and that is the choice that she needs to make, weather she wants to try and make this work or try being independant. So, like I am stuck in limbo just waiting.

Last night my wife was all nice, brought me dinner and stuff. What should I do? She still says she does not know what she is going to do. When I told her our friends wanted to have dinner on Saturday she said that sounded good? How long am I supposed to just sit and wait for her to decide weather she wants to fix our marriage or leave. I am dying on the inside right now. We have a dog that I love so much and she keeps taking her with her in the mornings because she thinks I am going to steal the dog. Does this mean she plans to do this? I honestly don't know how I will handle it if my wife leaves as I love her so much and she is my best friend, I really don't. If she takes the dog too, than I think I may lose it and I am really scared. Should I just tell her to leave even though that kills me to even think about? Or if I do that than am I making her mind up for her? Or do you think she is being nice in order to butter me up for a huge let down? How long is enough time? 

Oh yeah, one thing I neglected to mention is that my wife's best friend is a gay women who does not like men and does not like me for no particular reason other than I knew from the moment they met that she liked my wife more than a friend. My wife made it clear she was not interested and I am pretty confident that my wife is not gay. But she takes advice from this girl, even though the girl definitely has ulterior motives. I confronted my wife about this and she swore that she knows she has ulterior motives and would never take advice from her.

If you have any ideas on what I should do, please let me know. Every day is just like a marathon that won't end. I called into work yesterday but cannot today as I don't have that many sick days. Today is going to take forever at work wondering what my house will be like when I come home,if my dog will be there, will my wife be there. I don't know anything anymore.

TMP TMP
26-30, M
2 Responses Apr 3, 2007

Yeah well I'm not sure why this couldn't be possible in a marriage.<br />
<br />
But you know, I think you're both affraid to be alone.<br />
Marriage is something that is the base of everything you're doing.<br />
I mean, everything is probably already built around your marriage so you depend on it. It's the same for your wife, and well she actually admitted it was like this...<br />
And it's obvious that there's a danger of cheating on eachother.<br />
Ok I admit, the outside person needed for this might not be in the picture yet. The guy she talks to has a fine marriage hisself right?<br />
<br />
But you shouldn't depend on that cause you will be heartbroken once she gets a secret affair with a guy that has a bad marriage himself too or something similar.<br />
<br />
-<br />
<br />
You know, the contract of marriage is not what you have to save. It's the love between the 2 of you.<br />
I seriously think it might work out, but it's the story of one step back and then take 2 steps forward.<br />
<br />
Just be sweet to your wife and talk to her. <br />
I dunno I can't explain but well. <br />
One step backwards and 2 steps forward. You got the wrong turn and now you need to reverse your car (your relationship) to the point where you think you're on the honest part again.<br />
If it means going back, and reverse your relationship back into a time where you weren't even married, then you should I think :)<br />
<br />
Best friends wouldn't enter a marriage like this either would they?<br />
Why is that any different than staying in a marriage as best friends...<br />
<br />
Reverse your whole look at it! I mean:<br />
You're thinking about a divorce but you still love eachother in a way.<br />
You're married, so divorce is the thing to concider. But you still feel like you're eachothers best friend, and still kinda love eachother.<br />
<br />
Now imagine a couple with the same situation who weren't married to eachother at all yet. <br />
Imagine them being best friends. But even a bit more...<br />
They think they might love eachother but they think it's too risky to step in marriage already. Because it's more of a caring-like love (I suppose).<br />
So here's a couple of best friends who are concidering marriage. Now gosh, doesn't that sound better?<br />
<br />
I'm just imagining the situation. But if all you need is a bit of seperation again from eachother, then marriage is the only thing that will cause arguments between the 2 of you.<br />
<br />
I dunno just concider it...<br />
It'll be hard I guess and there are some problems before that solution will work out but just imagine it a bit. And if it's vivid enough in your imagination, you will be able to describe it in a nice way to your wife and ask her what she thinks.

Yeah well I'm not sure why this couldn't be possible in a marriage.<br />
<br />
But you know, I think you're both affraid to be alone.<br />
Marriage is something that is the base of everything you're doing.<br />
I mean, everything is probably already built around your marriage so you depend on it. It's the same for your wife, and well she actually admitted it was like this...<br />
And it's obvious that there's a danger of cheating on eachother.<br />
Ok I admit, the outside person needed for this might not be in the picture yet. The guy she talks to has a fine marriage hisself right?<br />
<br />
But you shouldn't depend on that cause you will be heartbroken once she gets a secret affair with a guy that has a bad marriage himself too or something similar.<br />
<br />
-<br />
<br />
You know, the contract of marriage is not what you have to save. It's the love between the 2 of you.<br />
I seriously think it might work out, but it's the story of one step back and then take 2 steps forward.<br />
<br />
Just be sweet to your wife and talk to her. <br />
I dunno I can't explain but well. <br />
One step backwards and 2 steps forward. You got the wrong turn and now you need to reverse your car (your relationship) to the point where you think you're on the honest part again.<br />
If it means going back, and reverse your relationship back into a time where you weren't even married, then you should I think :)<br />
<br />
Best friends wouldn't enter a marriage like this either would they?<br />
Why is that any different than staying in a marriage as best friends...<br />
<br />
Reverse your whole look at it! I mean:<br />
You're thinking about a divorce but you still love eachother in a way.<br />
You're married, so divorce is the thing to concider. But you still feel like you're eachothers best friend, and still kinda love eachother.<br />
<br />
Now imagine a couple with the same situation who weren't married to eachother at all yet. <br />
Imagine them being best friends. But even a bit more...<br />
They think they might love eachother but they think it's too risky to step in marriage already. Because it's more of a caring-like love (I suppose).<br />
So here's a couple of best friends who are concidering marriage. Now gosh, doesn't that sound better?<br />
<br />
I'm just imagining the situation. But if all you need is a bit of seperation again from eachother, then marriage is the only thing that will cause arguments between the 2 of you.<br />
<br />
I dunno just concider it...<br />
It'll be hard I guess and there are some problems before that solution will work out but just imagine it a bit. And if it's vivid enough in your imagination, you will be able to describe it in a nice way to your wife and ask her what she thinks.