Sometimes I Just... Imagine... 5/16/09
Sometimes I just imagine... to have that perfect someone, who understands me, who loves me for who I am and vice versa... together, and afterward, we shall never be alone.
But how much of it is actually realistic? I have never even gotten close to a girl in all 20 years, what knowledge do I have in the market that people call relationship? I feel petty, and silly, to sometimes just become attracted to some people whom I saw, without any basis on their interests or personalities. I feel pathetic, and condemned, when I realize how there is always an extra bit of feeling when I see available females. I feel sick, and tired, when I realized how I systematically tried to show off my intelligence and my success (the only thing that I have lots of), in an attempt to attract others.
I feel desperate, but I do not want to be desperate. I want love, but I do not want to have that goal always in the back of my head. Even if I do find love, how much of it will be comparable to my expectations? how much would I get disappointed? and how much, if any, of my loneliness will be healed? Despite how much I wish to neglect my drive, despite how successful my life actually is, despite how I may be overwhelmed by work or other emotions... why does this feeling always haunt me? why am I always reminded--that I want love?