What Is Life?my Life Is Nothing At All[real Long Downer Ahead]-My Life in Text Form
I am 21 going on 22 and I've never been happy with anything in my life.I've had "superficial happiness" that lasts a couple of days.That was like 3 years ago.All I feel now is this heavy weight on my chest for the last 2 years.I've never had any real friends only a few people i knew in school and never outside of there.I've been invited to parties in high school but never went to them because my parents never felt comfortable sending me alone to a party so they bought video games to placate me.Later in life after high school that became my vice to cope with my detachment from the world.That's all I did day in and day out-3 miserable years!For this past 3 years I've isolated myself from the world while its has passed me by and I realize now most people my age have jobs and family and a life.What do I have in my name?Nothing but depression and an endless pit I call home.My parents never pushed me, they love so much they created a "bubble" to shield me from the world and all it brought is misery and my demise.I have been called a "cute" guy by many girls but I just don't love myself to agree with them, so I hide from any contact with them.I feel I don't deserve them as a punishment for my failures in life.Now I'm losing my hair either genetically or because of my endless depression, I didn't think the pit could get any deeper but life found a way to thrust me deeper in there.I have thought to myself,"does rebirth really exist?If i end it will I be perfect in the next life physically and emotionally?"I have yet to answer myself, maybe on my 30th or 40th birthday I'll find out.
I realize now something has to change.I have joined a gym for the last 4-5 months. I have thought maybe if I had a perfect body I would catch somebody and maybe with someone in my life I would feel what happiness is and if I can't connect with somebody in person would there be hope to feel close to someone online?Not sexual, never ever that but just to feel what a connection to another human feels like.There is a girl, a personal trainer I see everyday that I like and think she likes me back,yet my old habits push me from her.I feel now that she hates me for not talking to her and returning her feelings and playing with her.In truth I throw a lot of girls looks as part of my struggle to climb myself out of the HELL I call a head.That along with bodybuilding and saying "hi" to strangers.They may think it weird, but it helps me I guess.I don't want to go in and have my feelings rejected by her and put another la
The Hollow - J.D
P.S IT FELT GOOD TO WRITE IT OUT,RELEASED SOME ANXIETY FOR TODAY.THANK YOU!