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What Is Life?my Life Is Nothing At All[real Long Downer Ahead]

-My Life in Text Form

I am 21 going on 22 and I've never been happy with anything in my life.I've had "superficial happiness" that lasts a couple of days.That was like 3 years ago.All I feel now is this heavy weight on my chest for the last 2 years.I've never had any real friends only a few people i knew in school and never outside of there.I've been invited to parties in high school but never went to them because my parents never felt  comfortable sending me alone to a party so they bought video games to placate me.Later in life after high school that became my vice to cope with my detachment from the world.That's all I did day in and day out-3 miserable years!For this past 3 years I've isolated myself from the world while its has passed me by and I realize now most people my age have jobs and family and a life.What do I have in my name?Nothing but depression and an endless pit I call home.My parents never pushed me, they love so much they created a "bubble" to shield me from the world and all it brought is misery and my demise.I have been called a "cute" guy by many girls but I just don't love myself to agree with them, so I hide from any contact with them.I feel I don't deserve them as a punishment for my failures in life.Now I'm losing my hair either genetically or because of my endless depression, I didn't think the pit could get any deeper but life found a way to thrust me deeper in there.I have thought to myself,"does rebirth really exist?If i end it will I be perfect in the next life physically and emotionally?"I have yet to answer myself, maybe on my 30th or 40th birthday I'll find out.

I realize now something has to change.I have joined a gym for the last 4-5 months. I have thought maybe if I had a perfect body I would catch somebody and maybe with someone in my life I would feel what happiness is and if I can't connect with somebody in person would there be hope to feel close to someone online?Not sexual, never ever that but just to feel what a connection to another human feels like.There is a girl, a personal trainer I see everyday that I like and think she likes me back,yet my old habits push me from her.I feel now that she hates me for not talking to her and returning her feelings and playing with her.In truth I throw a lot of girls looks as part of my struggle to climb myself out of the HELL I call a head.That along with bodybuilding and saying "hi" to strangers.They may think it weird, but it helps me I guess.I don't want to go in and have my feelings rejected by her and put another layer of depression on me as I am on the brink, I say it calmly as I have a realist mentality.I have had alot of jobs in the past but have gotten fired because of trivial things.The REAL reason I get fired is because I NEVER talk to anyone and dedicate my time to doing the job like a robot and going home just like at the gym, haha! I wonder what's next in life?will I end it or will I triumph in my search of happiness and my yearning to feel close to someone.Tomorrow I'm jumping in and confess my love to THAT personal trainer girl(hmm i guess I love her,why I don't know I've never felt this feeling except for her-EVER-It feels good I think it's working) Let's see if this leads to the light or buries me even deeper into the darkness--If you read my life in text form I commend you.What do you think pretty pathetic huh?should I "start over?"
                                                                                                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                   --Yours Truly
                                                                                                                      The Hollow  - J.D


P.S IT FELT GOOD TO WRITE IT OUT,RELEASED SOME ANXIETY FOR TODAY.THANK YOU!
neverbeenhappy neverbeenhappy 18-21 9 Responses Jun 30, 2010

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Hey there, thanks for sharing. I believe that it is possible to be reborn, even in this life and by that I mean to come to life spiritually. I just want to encourage you to keep your hope and to keep expanding your world.<br />
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You sound like you will make a great catch for someone out there. You seem to have a lot of emotional depth and understanding, which is more than can be said for a lot of guys your age :)

Gene Sprague also said "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" before he dove off the golden gate bridge... Anyway, good well written piece man. Atleast you're trying & putting forth the effort to better yourself. Eventually you will be rewarded.

You're right Roofrack what keeps me going is hope and the endless pursuit of happiness.I'm trying my very damn best to keep moving forward with this 2 ton anvil on my back I feel everyday.If I get out of this I'll be stronger than ever before.I guess its true what they say," what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Hi mate, I read your post and it's a bumber you feel the way you do. The first thing I want to say to you is....no-one else is the ultimate answer to your hapiness. You are a realist which means there's hope. The bottom of the well of despair can drop out from under you once you loose all of your reason while trying to climb out and thankfully, your reasons' inbuilt so cool.<br />
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Keeping busy (like going to the gym) and searching for help or advice (like you've done) are starters. It's setting a daily routine down for now that gets you through it and maintaining while still searching for ways to better your life. The 'gym chick' may not be a good idea cos it's a place you've chosen for you, putting her in the mix might complicate that.<br />
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I know this is so cliche but have you tried joining a club you have an interest in. That's where you'll met like minded people and friends. I know, when you least expect it, life has a way of surprising you. Get yourself well, (I mean the inside and how you feel about yourself and your outlook on life), and I guarantee the rest will follow. I say this because, when you're well inside, you'll find the outside has more options available to you, options you'd missed when you were'nt well.<br />
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**** I sound like a shrink. Take or leave the advice, but I truly wish you the very best of luck for the future and hope you find all that you're looking for. Give life a chance.....you're still young.

Well, it didn't go as I planned, yet I feel nothing no pain, no sorrow nothing. I guess i'm tapped out of emotions.I felt more NOT telling her than I did telling her.I can feel the ground of the bottom of my pit the only way now is up.I know there's someone out there for me I can connect to just hope i don't spiral down before i get the chance. Jojo if you feel terrible when your with him tell him because if you stay with him your world will be wrapped around him and never escape the depression your in. It may be hard at first but we all gotta make changes for a better future. :)

Aw you poor thing I feel like that im 21 and with someone been with him 4 years now he treats me so wrong it makes me depressed I have no friends because of him but I understand how you feel but you have to stay strong life is to short

Thanks guys, actually as I finished up my story and headed to bed this deep depression came over me.The deepest one i've had in several years .Just glad my story is known to 2 people so if I go out tomorrow someone will be left with my story.I'm still telling the personal trainer how I feel today because it's eating me up even more if I don't.

I have one piece of excellent news. You're trying. I've volunteered in some clinics before. I lot of people come in feeling the way you described. The thing is, most of them are too afraid to try to change it. You're already miles ahead of them. Things won't be easy, but if you have the guts to stick it out, it will get better. Believe me, I tell myself this everyday too. Sometimes it seems like a pipe dream, but stranger things have happened. When I look at my problems, I see all the progress I've made. It's not worth giving up. Once your on the road, hang in there.

Think you have just written about the first 30 years of my life, scary, now in my forties, married twice, second one going down the pan, married as didnt think anyone else would want me, oh such a wrong reason, never been any good talking to people, just get nervous and talk gibberish, do have two kids now, they help as when you are feeling low they still want you, done the depression thing, and like you say hard to make the first move, dont read to much in to your gym instructor, will only drag you down when you see her with her boyfriend, yes been there too, think though have just finally found my soul mate, didnt think mine existed, but now terrified will loose her, and dont even want to consider what happens if that becomes true, but if you are like me you tend to think the worst, and normally make it happen, take a step back, deep breath, not easy i know but so far seems to be working.