But When I Feel Like I Am, It Dies....

I would love to actually feel close to someone, not even in a physical sense, but emotional, it could be friendship or attraction...I don't know. I just know that I try with people and face to face is harder for me to feel close to someone, especially since I have issues with commitment, and most of the time, except for my best friend, I feel like basically no one gets me. Even with her though I don't feel the closeness I want. I know some of it's me, but I do not think it's all me.
It's like people are interested in me for five minutes and then the second I try to know them they disappear. People on here, people I've spoken to online in the past, and people from my past in general. I'm only good for their temporary amusement, til they find someone else to talk to or be around, then I'm nothing and they forget i exist. I may look like a complete wimp to some or tough to some. But this **** hurts. I hate it. I think a lot of my closeness is wanting to feel intimate with someone? Like on an emotional level. But I don't see that happening. I always choose the wrong people, and I can't remember the last time someone really and truly respected me. I always feel like I'm being walked on. Used. and laughed at. I don't even know if I've ever had respect from men in general, well really there have been plenty of females that i know had no respect for me. Most people use me for what they can get, or if they like someone i know they'll move their way into my life so they can find there new "toy" then bail on me again. Granted not everyone has done it. But I can hardly think of the ones that haven't, only two people come to mind out of all the people in my day to day life.
I want to feel close to someone, but to know there is respect there.
I've let some ****** up **** happen to me, because I was scared to say no. I was afraid of losing these so called friendships, with the guys well I'm pretty sure most of it came from pretty much assuming no one would like me again. Since it's been few and far between with men being actually interested in me. Even the guys I have dated, they weren't really interested in me, it was either sex or control. No one has ever been interested in being with me. Knowing me. I know i"m wrong to some degree with people. But I just don't think I've ever felt the closeness that I want with someone. But what I'm wanting may not be a viable option EVER.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
2 Responses May 22, 2012

I have been there. Hope things turn around for you. warm wishes.

I totally know what you mean. Wish I could help but I'm not sure of any solutions. Just know that you are not alone. I get that feeling even with my sister- that I am an amusement until something better comes along. It gets to the point of being self fulfilling though because then I start to think of myself as being boring. There have been a few that I have really connected with- but this has been a best friend who I don't get to talk to anymore and a few others who I had a very strong connection with but who may have been using me.<br />
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I think you have those desires for a good reason, so don't give up hope but keep searching- maybe somewhere different to the situations that you have described already, where people are likely to just take advantage of you. Are you part of any groups like sports/hobbies? I think it can help to have a common focus, this can make it easier to connect with people on that friendship level, with less stress on the relationship. Maybe you need to connect with people through other means, such as writing. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that not everyone is good at expressing themselves verbally. I'd be happy to chat to you if you want