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Lost In A Meaningless Dream

To explain the way I'm feeling I have to go back about a year but I'll keep it short.

Fresh out of high school I was wanting to join the Navy and become a SEAL like the greatest father figure I ever had while growing up. The Navy didn't take me. So then I tried to join the army and not even they took me for reasons of my past. I was on Aderall when I was 14 and had serious depression issues because of it, I tried killing myself and they didn't like that at all so they said no. During this time I was dating a girl who I thought was the world to me. The only problem was that she was honestly a straight up *****, anytime I did something or said something that hurt her she wouldn't tell me at all, she would just stop talking to me and cheated on me a couple times and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything. The stupid thing is with that is I stayed with her for over a year and a half, trying just so desperately to show her that she meant the world to me.

So about a month ago I actually got a date with my high school crush. We went out got dinner, played a little bowling and had a great time. We went back to her place and literally talked for four and a half hours and didn't notice a bit of it go by. During that time we wrestled a little bit and I somehow elbow her foot, it kind hurt her and she was just laying on the ground, so I come in all romantic like and say "I can fix that" and I kiss her. We kissed for what felt like a lifetime. She told me afterwards that she had a crush on me through high school as well. Romance movie of the year right?

The only problem with that love story is the "love story" that came before it. I was so distraught from my last relationship that it pushed her away the very next day. She didn't text me for almost 4 hrs so I thought I had done something wrong...So now we're to where I am now..I feel empty and with no meaning in life.

I will be applying for the police academy when I turn 20 and I will try my hardest at it. The only problem is that why would they take me if even the Army wouldn't?...why would any girl want to be with me if I can't even seem to find myself. I thought that pushing further into my martial arts would help but it hasn't helped at all...All I want is to have a clear mind cause these thoughts always run through my head and keep me up writing this story at 4 in the morning and yet there is no one who supports me to keep me going...I want to be needed and make an impact on peoples lives, not like a celebrity, just so that someone might cry when I die..
Dazaan Dazaan 18-21, M Nov 12, 2012

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