Can You Use A Map?

If this was a 12 step group, I would stand up and say, "Hi, my name is SM. I want to be wanted." And everyone would say "Hi!"

For so many years my self-image was low-enough that I lied and said it's more important to be needed. I'm so tough I don't need even that, but it would be nice. I developed all sorts of justifications for it. I'm a smart man--I can create rationalizations quick as snapping my fingers.

So I was needed. For moving furniture for people; for doing this, or that, and on it drones.

I got good at tasks.

My buddy's wife needed me. Wow, if ever a woman captivated me, it was her. She needed me, so badly that she called for me, screaming my name, and I went to heaven!

She needed me because a racoon had chased her and her baby, teeth barred, up to her door. If it had been locked, she and the baby would have been attacked. Hubby couldn't handle that kind of thing, and she needed me. Quick as lightning I made the 30 minute drive, my stallion blazing through traffic like only the hero (or a cop) is allowed to do, rifle on the seat next to me. Legal, I am out for blood.

I killed that racoon and a couple others for good measure; hubby was disappointed I hadn't saved the hides, and She didn't need me anymore.

I asked her directions to a town once and she had no idea. Could not even read a map. So, being good at tasks, and understanding "I need you to..." I said, "Well, I'm marryiing a girl that can at least use a map."

Non-pulsed She looked back at my coyly and said, "If you had to pick a girl who could use a map, or a girl who could use a man's body---which would you rather?"

Point taken.

Today, and for some years now, I want---no, I need--to be wanted. To know another aches for me, looks down the street for me when I'm not home on time.

She needs me, too, and that's valid and important. But more, so much more than that---

I want her to want me because I'm me, the mold-breaker, the only one. I want to feel the want in her embrace, in her kiss, in the way she grabs me and...


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Mar 12, 2010