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Just Me

I'm a very sensitive, deeply compassionate person. For the last 4 years I've had anxiety and the odd panic attack. I don't take anything for it and I try to talk myself through the thoughts, do EFT to relax and read almost daily.
I've moved around a lot in the last 3 years following my dream to write in LA. I slept on couhes, floors and in ****** hotels, eventually getting an apartment. I lost some friends along the way and outgrew others. I haven't been intimate with anyone in close to 2 years which is wildly out of character and is something that has started to affect me emotionally. Because of that, feeling disconnected from certain friends, not being around anyone I find inspiring/motivating, having a dysfunctional family that doesn't support or encourage me in the way I wish they would and subsequent low self-esteem I'm feeling very much alone and because my career is not where I want it I'm feeling lost, unsuccessful, unimportant and useless. Deep down I know I'm not. I'm smart, fun, funny, a former model, a writer, designer and the voice of reason for those who ask for advice but my knee jerk reaction is to feel unworthy most of the time. I want so much in my life. I don't dwell on what I don't have, that's hardly self-serving in a positive sense but when setbacks or frustrations occur I can't help but feel the sting of being "less than."
Last night I woke in the middle of the night with my little voice telling me to harm myself. It scared the **** out of me. Of course I know it wasn't my little voice and infact the voice of anxiety but today I've been re-playing it and once again am frightened by it. Not that I'll actually do it but that I'm having those kinds of thoughts in the first place.
Medication isn't the answer. Weight gain, mood swings and withdrawal are not something I'd welcome. Therapy is probably more like but really, I can't keep feeling this way. Alone. It's not healthy. Does anyone else feel this way?
producedby229 producedby229 36-40 Aug 9, 2011

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