I Feel Like I Don't Matter
Maybe I am just sensitive or feeling sorry for myself, or maybe the world is just filled with self obsessed, selfish ******** who believe everyone is to do for them - I don't know?
I really try to be a good person not because i have to but because this is who i am and let me tell you, this ****!
I can't help but worry and go out of my way for other people, I think about peoples feelings, accomplishments, families, happiness etc... And I am always trying to help if I am not being asked or assumed that i will.
I was raised to never ask or borrow - so I have worked hard to have what i have and to find my own happiness, alot of which comes from helping others and making sure my family is happy.
So my problem is this here are a few examples:
My cousin with to many kids she can't afford always assumes that if she mentions something she or the kids need i will supply such, yes i usually do - does she say thank you? NO! This year was her daughters birthday, she invited me and my children to her child's party we show up and inside are hanging balloons and a cake - she says i couldn't afford presents this year - so i tell her I'll be right back i forgot something - i ran to the closest store filled up a cart and quickly wrapped the presents in the car. I had my cousin come out and bring them in, i couldn't bear for her child to be teased with a birthday party & no presents -
Anyhow - no thank you! Next month she needed diapers, milk, food from my freezer etc..... No thank you!
Anyhow i go out of my way for her & her family! Christmas was coming and she brought her children over - we baked cookies and i offered my cousin coffee as we chatted about the kids and life- she says yea my kids are so sweet i had them make cards for the neighbors?????????? I am like wtf.
Right now i work full time as a broker (60-70hrs a wk) - my principal broker has realized all that i have to offer-, technology wise, mentoring & training wise, basically everything i do i am pretty good at, other agents in the office feel that i am the go to person including the other brokers who have been in the business longer than i have been. Problem is sharing my intellect has turned into my principal broker/ owner turning to me for everything, in the meantime i have my own business to run - this does not occur to him even though he writes my checks when a property sells - while I am helping him, his other business and everyone else!!! My own business is taking a hit. This has been discussed w/ him - I have so much to offer and could be so successful else where! Last week I found out even though I am the 2nd - There are only me & one other who are top brokers, that i have the lowest cut and do the most work - I am the most loyal and the most screwed!
My fiance - I have been with him for years (15 this Xmas, i am not that old) - too many, he forgets to tell me nice things to show me that i matter, he forgets to ask how i am or care when i am upset or need someone to talk to, i have talked to him about my concern for his happiness and life - his reply i don't ask you for anything, if you don't like how i am find someone else! - he thinks the toilet paper angles come to deliver his toiletries, the laundry gets done by the laundry fairies, the dishes by his invisible maid, etc............. I have 3 children & a business, no one to talk to and I feel like i don't matter - My own mother doesn't call to see if i am alive and she lives less than a mile away ( I am her only Child).
Sometimes i wish i could be so self absorbed that these things don't matter or maybe i am because they bother me, i don't know - my fiance says i just feel sorry for myself??????
I say I have no one to talk to because all my friends have their own problems and i am not the type to burden others besides having to much pride I am embarrassed.