I'm just like everyone else I suppose. I have a family that loves me very much and a handful of friends that love me, but I feel like there is so much love that I'm missing out on.
I want someone to show sincere interest in me and wonder how I'm doing. I would love nothing more than to have someone reach out to me at this very moment and say, "Are you okay?" I wish I could tell the people that love me that I have all this pain I'm trying to deal with, but the times I have turned to them they seem awkward and in a rush to get out of the situation I've put them in.
I grew up without a father. I'm just now really leaning the story of what happened and it makes me even more sad that he didn't ever try to find me. I've never even had a father figure. My mom married my stepfather when I was very young, but he's always made it very clear that my brother and I were not his children and would say mean things like, "If I were your father I would have left you too." All I ever wanted was a dad to love me, he could have given that to my brother and I - but he didn't.
Lately I've been feeling like the people close to me in my life are worried about their own personal issues than to bother helping me through my bouts of depression. I don't expect them to be there every waking moment, bu when I go to them desperately needing a shoulder to cry on they make me feel worse for even needing them - my boyfriend being the worst.
I recently decided that the best thing to do for my life right now is to go to college. I found a college I really like and hopefully will be attending in the fall, but it's far away from where my boyfriend and I live right now. Instead of cheering me on to success, he's saying "What about me?" I tell him all the time I'd love nothing more than for him to come along with me, but he refuses to leave the city he's known all his life. I would never ask him to do something that didn't make him happy, but he makes me feel like I'm a horrible person for pursuing my dreams. I feel so torn and so afraid to even bring up going to school in front of him as it always starts a fight.
I don't know if it's asking too much to have just one person I knew I could call when I felt down. Someone that didn't mind that I do get depressed pretty often and was willing to listen to my problems and help build me back up. I want to meet my father and have him be so happy to see me and love me and be someone I can count on. As I get older I'm finding out there are less and less people in my life I can really count on, which only builds onto my depression.