Lost In A Meaningless Dream

To explain the way I'm feeling I have to go back about a year but I'll keep it short.

Fresh out of high school I was wanting to join the Navy and become a SEAL like the greatest father figure I ever had while growing up. The Navy didn't take me. So then I tried to join the army and not even they took me for reasons of my past. I was on Aderall when I was 14 and had serious depression issues because of it, I tried killing myself and they didn't like that at all so they said no. During this time I was dating a girl who I thought was the world to me. The only problem was that she was honestly a straight up *****, anytime I did something or said something that hurt her she wouldn't tell me at all, she would just stop talking to me and cheated on me a couple times and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything. The stupid thing is with that is I stayed with her for over a year and a half, trying just so desperately to show her that she meant the world to me.

So about a month ago I actually got a date with my high school crush. We went out got dinner, played a little bowling and had a great time. We went back to her place and literally talked for four and a half hours and didn't notice a bit of it go by. During that time we wrestled a little bit and I somehow elbow her foot, it kind hurt her and she was just laying on the ground, so I come in all romantic like and say "I can fix that" and I kiss her. We kissed for what felt like a lifetime. She told me afterwards that she had a crush on me through high school as well. Romance movie of the year right?

The only problem with that love story is the "love story" that came before it. I was so distraught from my last relationship that it pushed her away the very next day. She didn't text me for almost 4 hrs so I thought I had done something wrong...So now we're to where I am now..I feel empty and with no meaning in life.

I will be applying for the police academy when I turn 20 and I will try my hardest at it. The only problem is that why would they take me if even the Army wouldn't?...why would any girl want to be with me if I can't even seem to find myself. I thought that pushing further into my martial arts would help but it hasn't helped at all...All I want is to have a clear mind cause these thoughts always run through my head and keep me up writing this story at 4 in the morning and yet there is no one who supports me to keep me going...I want to be needed and make an impact on peoples lives, not like a celebrity, just so that someone might cry when I die..
Dazaan Dazaan
18-21, M
1 Response Nov 12, 2012

Just get a normal job, that's what I did. Fill in the gaps between slaving away for minimum wage with trying to understand this society, read books, think, talk and maybe our generation will be the one to build the economy around man and not humans around the economy.