I Want to Feel Real

I Want to Feel Like I Belong

By: Dormantdrakon

Written on August 2nd, 2009

I have a lot of days where I feel like I am a witness outside of my body - hearing, seeing and experiencing life without actually being a part of it or being a part of the body that is sitting there ignored.

It's one of my stranger feelings, one of my weirder reactions and it just seems to compound the fact that I am not a part of the world that I live in. And after I get myself brought back to reality, to feeling the body that is mine, I get depressed that I cannot belong to the people that I was witnessing, to this world that I must live and to reality where many could safely act as if you were bat-crazy for feeling this way at times.

Yet it is a part of me and when I start to trance off it comes without summoning. Is being real really worth it? Or should I be worried that it doesn't come any easier than it has? Questions that will always wait for non-satisfying answers.

By: Dormantdrakon

Age: 22-25 , Female

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8 responses

Dormantdrakon

It's hard not to sell myself short but I am working on it that is for sure.

Aug 4, 2009
1 like
theredlady

Just the knowing is a good start. Don't sell yourself short and you'll be fine. :)

Aug 4, 2009
2 likes
Dormantdrakon

Well I am still trying to find a way of using my life meaningfully, which is hard as I am also trying to get back on my feet. Hopefully I can do more than I am but I don't know where to start nor how to get to that end.

Aug 4, 2009
1 like
theredlady

I agree with squiggles. You don't have to be a scholar to make a difference.

Aug 4, 2009
1 like
Dormantdrakon

I know that and it's hard for me to explain but I feel that my "job" crowd that I should be with are the scholarly type since I do well in touchy discussions with others. But I do have a lot of friends that aren't scholarly and they are the best like my EP crowd.

Aug 3, 2009
1 like
theredlady

Sometimes the best of people come from those who are not scholarly....

Aug 3, 2009
1 like
Dormantdrakon

Well Squigglefish I don't know why I am not exactly a part of the world I live in although I think the past helped this deattached feeling. Sometimes I just don't feel like I match others for a lack of better words while the culture in this area is completely different from the one that I was raised up in thus I am scared to try to cross the line for I have been called racist way too many times by those who don't me well as well. So it seems fear, loneliness and awkwardness helps to lend to it.

Theredlady you give a good theory there and I could verify it for I don't see myself as hanging out with the people I do now if I had been able to go to college. My friends are great and supportive but I lose out so much to "fit" with them and the job than I would if I could be with a more scholarly crowd.

Perhaps you are right on it resulting from not being able to accomplish what you are suppose to for if you go on the wrong path there might not be room for you. Who knows the answers though.

Aug 3, 2009
1 like
theredlady

I feel this same way many times. I think maybe it is a result of not accomplishing what you had originally planned for yourself. When I feel this way, once I come back to myself I like to write what I have witnessed and felt as a way of verifying that it happened.

Because of this, I have been told by many of my friends that I should have been a writer. It had, at one time, been my dream and plan, but life interupted me.

Aug 3, 2009
1 like

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