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In Spite Of Everything, I Know She Is Out There

 I assume you've read my stories... right now I am trying to deal with an unexpected and unwanted loss with no explanation. I finally, after 25 years, decided to get married again, and it all comes crashing down because I lost my job. Giving your heart is dangerous, I guess. So at this point I'm looking for any kind of connection to remain sane in this lonely world I'm in. No mate AND no job means way too many hours to sit and feel horrible about life. There are other things, obviously, I've slept on the couch for a month now because I can't bring myself to even go into our room. I've realized that I am frozen in time, stuck in the moment she walked out of the door. Hurt, confused, lonely and scared about the future. I spend too much time crying and feeling sorry for myself, I know that. But I need to find something to look forward to, some reason to get up in the morning. I generally pass out about 4 in the morning, and get back on line by 8 or 9. The Television has been on 24/7 since she left, to help push out the thoughts that flood my brain and depress the hell out of me. I miss so many things, being touched, held and cared for.   I really am a good person, a good man, a caring partner but I was used and discarded. I have to accept that without getting a bad attitude about life. I don't want to become the nasty old man down the street who yells at everyone who walks by and is feared and hated b the neighbors. Somewhere there is someone who wants a true caring and loving partnership. Someone who needs me as much as I need her. I need to hang on until I find her, and then everything will fall into place in my life. I can SURVIVE on my own, but will never be completely happy. Life is a journey they say... I'd rather it be a "road trip" with two people traveling together, having fun and sharing a destination, never thinking of just getting off at the next stop, or finding another ride when the tank goes dry. I deserve no less than the total commitment that I offer, and dream of even after all that has happened.
Oh, and I like Chocolate Chip Cookies, too!

DenverNative DenverNative 46-50, M 2 Responses Nov 28, 2009

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I totally hear you Denver...I don't really know what to say, except take deep breaths and pick up your chin and know that there really are people out there seeking the same things that we are, and eventually we will find them. As hard as it is, try to find something constructive to do like, a hobby, or volunteering, or going back to school. Believe me I know it is much easier for me to say than for you to do, because I have the same feelings and thoughts you do. I keep screaming for somebody to just show me they care and help to keep me focused because it is sooo hard to do it on my own anymore. So, if you need a little smack around drop me a line. It will get better, I totally believe that for all of us. :)

: ) No worries my friend. I am positive she is out there, perhaps wishing on the same stars every night for you too. She's waiting for you & pray you find her soon. <br />
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Blessings my friend...xxx