The Evolution Of Me

i felt so alone and lost in a system that constantly wrecks you. As soon as you think you're comfortable with the family or facility they stick you in then they move you again. Those people are abusive, some very very abusive physically, verbally, sexually, and emotionally. I retreated into a deep dark place where i felt save but really wasnt. i was trying to escape the torture and in the process i lost myself, lost my way, lost my identity....lost my 'life'.

i eventually gave up trying to run away cause it only causes more abuse and problems when u try it, when u try to stand up for yourself. Patiently i endured the constantly changing backdrop as i retreated deeper and deeper. At one point, my worst point, i stopped talking alltogether. i lost myself so bad i didnt trust or recognize anyone anymore and even simple things like subway rides caused me so much anxiety i would shake like a scared dog and i would have to hide my face cause everyone noticed it. i evolved into tiny fraction of what i used to be like a melting ice cube almost gone. Nothing remaining but a thin crescent of my most inner being hanging on in the darkness like the lonely waning moon.

After 5 long years i was rescued. Like a stray dog someone adopts i was pulled from the dark abyss my mind was stuck in and dropped back into the fast pace and unending blur of social activity....all of it was so foreign to me. But i struggled as hard as i could to become a part of my new family...not a temporary one ...a real family, two parents and 5 kids....plus me.

My family loves me and encourages me like I have never felt before so i grew into a better person a tiny little bit every day...tiny bits of who i was were growing back. The melting crescent was becoming an icecube again and growing bigger still. I finally felt like i belong after new years one day I just felt it finally after 9 months i could let myself accept that i DO belong and that I'm staying.

Let the Evolution of Me begin...im trying to make friends, real friends that i can trust and hang out with. I want a social life like everyone else has and seems to be so good at getting....why is it so hard for me?? This yearning drive my evolution into a better person. I'm learning to care for people...dare I admit I even love someone ?? I want to find myself again, I want to find the 7 yr old that was happy with his mother before all the abuses and neglect happen, before the system of child protective services...back when i was wide-eyed and curious and playful...and happy. Im starting over and having to grow up from that point on in an ignorant but persistent attempt to fill the glacier sized void inside me where my life should have been.

I wan to find myself again. I want the ice cube to grow into an iceberg...bump into the world and surprise them when they see the real me I will become after my evolution has begun. Social awkwardness, depression, anxieties, low self-esteem, and my constant self torture of cutting, burning, starving, and withdrawal....all this is what I want to leave behind like stepping off the train at the platform...walking toward my future as it speeds away bound for an existence to constantly run in circles never to be free....but me, I will be free to become all that everyone else is...all that i want, yearn, and dream to be....just a "normal" teenager. ugh, its so hard and getting harder but Im trying as hard as I can on this journey, the evolution of me.
AquilaAqua AquilaAqua
16-17, M
2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

Wow, I hope you continue to grow into a beautiful and amazing person that can really make a difference in someone else's life. I know we all go through different things and some worse than others, but as long as you know that tomorrow will bring more experience and therefore a more promising day, I hope that's enough to push you forward and just be able to try and forget about your past and embrace the future, because there's so many possibilities. And I always tell everyone and anyone that if you need to talk about something I'm always here to lend an ear :)

Wow, and thanks!

Took a strong mind to write this. Kudos. But let's do some editing. You can check with the family and see if they don't agree.

The end of the third paragraph should read "... two parents and 6 kids."

Now change the opening of the fourth paragraph to read "My family loves me and encourages me like I have never felt before ...."

I'm sure it's what they'd want. Believe in it - and yourself. Peace.

thanks i like the second edit thing you say but ima keep the first one like i did it cause that how i feel when at the time when they got me. cause i didnt feel like i belonged to them when it happened it just felt like people vacations i saw on tv before nothing i ever experience so it was very weird an i feel isolated even tho i belong to them then. plus i was confuse by all the paperwork an money n stuff they talked about that it took to buy me. so i want people to see how i was feeling when i got there...it was them and me. that why later i say the part about how i "DO belong" cause thens when i really feel im part of them not just something they buy like a pet or charity thing. it took me along time to write this story cause im deal with some emotional issues too and hurts alot still inside me to remember. i really appreciate ur edit help and u right about the second one tho so i changed it. thx for ur help!

'Edit' in this case, was just a metaphor. What's important is that you get the point, and I think you do - obviously. What matters is your understanding - not the physical words in print.

That money and paperwork thing is a 'necessary evil,' really ... a lot of legal mumbo-jumbo where your family has no more say than you. No sense hiding it all from you at your age, and now that you're more comfortable with that whole part of the process, you'll prolly be happier knowing they went about it the proper way and not half-a$$ed... 'did the right thing' ... rather than saying 'Hell yeah you can live here - you're like a son anyway!'
You ARE a son. Peace ... and the best to you.

thx that mean alot! peace