I think a lot of people wish for this.

I can't help but feel like I alienate the people that I meet. In a way, it's not surprising. As I type, I resist the urge to embark on narcissistic prose, revise my keystrokes so I can present a pretentious write up that makes me sound more interesting than I am- hell, I even backspaced a few descriptors there; I was going to write "intelligent" at one point instead of "interesting"...
You know how it goes.

Anyways, this isn't about self loathing.

I wonder if it's something wrong with me? I'm not too particularly withdrawn from people and I make active attempts at socializing. Sometimes people are agreeable with me, at times I've even had sex with strangers, but I can never maintain a relationship with people.

That's not to say I'm without friends, however. I guess I should clarify that there are some people in my life. Not many I really see in person though, just one in that regard. He's a great guy, I've known him since school and he saved me from something bad once. I owe him a lot, but that's not why I kick around; he's a genuine friend.
I've got friends I speak to online, but in the end that's not the same and I can't help but feel like there's silent headbutting between us at times.

Well, I'll cut the line soon. I want to say I'm an iconoclast or some sorta romantic, or whatever nonsense sounds cool to me in my own head, but really I think I'm just a person with a repulsive personality.

Maybe I'll change it again.

Kaydje Kaydje
22-25, M
Aug 24, 2014