I Still Love Him, But....

I've been married for 5 years, and we were together for 2 years before that. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both went into it saying that we were marrying cos we knew we could make it work this time.
He's clever, funny and caring. We share many likes and dislikes, and have a similar sense of humour. But from the time we married, he's changed. he is lazy around the house, slovenly and expects me to look after everything. He contributes financially, but I make all the decisions. Our sex life now consists of him rolling over, grabbing at my breast and saying "Fancy it?", expecting me to ********** myself to ******, then get on top of him till he achieves ****** too. Or - worse, he lies spreadeagled on his back and asks me to play with his genitals. I'm at the point where my flesh crawls if he touches me in an intimate manner.
Some evenings he barely looks up from the computer. Many evenings he falls asleep in front of the TV, and gets grumpy when I wake him to go to bed.
On two occasions lately he's told me he thinks we should separate because *I* don't seem to be making any effort. Both times I've said no, because he's under a lot of pressure lately. His mother is dying, and while I neither fancy him, nor see a long term future together, I feel this is the wrong time for us to split.
For at least the last 3 years, my dreams of the future have not included him. I guess I should never have married, really, as I always was happier living alone. I don't want him out of my LIFE per se, but I DO want him out of our marriage, and out of my home (it was mine beforehe moved in).
It's a combination of two things - I love him but I'm not IN love with him, and I think I have a mid life crisis....
LadyScarlett22 LadyScarlett22
41-45, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

There is obviously a lot of miscommunication, because you are saying he is not trying and he is saying you are not trying, but you both went into the marriage saying you were going to try really hard. I would read the book "The 5 Love Languages", or look into the book "Please Understand Me II" (there's a personality quiz in there and if you both take it it shows you how relationships are wired to succeed and fail based on your personality), or Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage." All are really great to help you figure out what is going on, and some of them might be books on tape (I know the Gilbert one is and the Love Languages is, that's how I read those) so you can be driving and listening to it at the same time and not even take any extra time to do it if you are busy.

I wonder if his behavior has anything to do with his mother's health. Have you taken the time to explain how you enjoy being pleased? Remember no one is a mind reader. Things always seem so romantic when you're dating than after your married and all the "mystery" about each other is gone. It seems to me, you might just be in a slump. I strongly believe that you can find that love again if you seek it, choose to love him, and increase communication. Try adopting service into your marriage, and I don't mean sexually. Make him his favorite meal, send him a note that tells him what you appreciate about him, and praise him for what he does. You can't change him, but you can change your outlook when you look out for others needs before your own. And I'm not saying your being selfish, but it's almost impossible to not love the people we serve selflessly.