The Mess I Created

I can't fix the mess I have created the mess created by a two letter word "no" a word so small so easy but carries the weight of the world with it. with this simple little word I lost my best friend/my wife/my life. As I stand at a crossroads not wanting to move but only want to running screaming into the past ripping every "no" ever uttered from my lips. Frozen in time not wanting to go forward can't turn left or right.  Tools, I got them want to fix a leak I can want to rebuild that motorcycle Can do that to want create the one and only dream car no problem but to keep a marriage to keep my best friend I CAN'T.

I never truly understood what I was doing by denying her sex, intimacy a soul bonding experience of only which I glimpsed in the beginning, a tiny glimpse to which I smothered down deep inside of me. Hiding behind my insecurities: did i do that right, did she like it when i touched her there, if she likes that why stop,if she says stop does that mean don't do that ever again, I should be doing this before this, ARRRRGG the constant questions of myself and not sharing only to take the easy one word answer of "no"

I am a man and oh so slow for things to sink in, for pictures to be seen that are never drawn. men do only buy Playboy for the articles (right)

I am so sorry my best friend that I can not fix what I have crushed. If I could remove every "no" I said  every"no" that chipped away at your very soul that ******** the basic fibers built upon to make the you that I truly Love if could have never learned that word I would remove and never utter it again. I would remember that glimpse of bliss once captured in the beginning and try with every part of my being to make it grow to open up and be as vulnerable as you i am sorry I did not know you were naked to your soul before me asking for help until it is to late.

I thought Love was what it took, I did not understand. I did not understand all the facets of what Love is or could be I did not understand what sexual intimacies meaning of importance was to our Love I never understood how vulnerable you were  I am Sorry

I lost my best friend because I could not remove one word from me ... "no"

I can not fix the past I can fix the pain I can not get back to you 

If you read this here you will know and understand my friend  I set you free I will go quietly from your life and try not to create a pothole anymore for you to falter in I support and respect your decision wish you best of luck and will always come to help with whatever you choose that I can fix  and if I never see or hear from you again   I Love You.  

I go to seek instruction to fix me

 

anwserswanted anwserswanted
41-45, M
Feb 17, 2009