I Want to Forgive Myself
dragonofjapan Nov 19, 2011 9:25 AM
I think someplace up here I wrote a story about me running away from home when I was 4. When my mother, sisters and nanny did not come out to bring me in and I waited for 3 or 4 hours, I decided I was both unloved and unloveable.
I lived much of my life out of that experience. I think so much of my D/s relationships were born from that and the young girl of 8 who taught me about whipping her when I was 6. As I got in touch with that experience again, I spent 3 weeks trying to forgive my mother and felt nothing.
Then one day, I was looking at that little boy. I was feeling his pain and I felt so sad and sorry for him. I told him to forgive himself for making that silly decision.
I stopped hating him and his life.
I felt this overwhelming sense of love and forgiveness for him flood through me.
All my life, with literally thousands of lovers, I had always pushed and pushed until they finally left me; I mean every one. I had never broken up with a girl in my life. I had moved to a different state, country continent, but never broken up. They would call or write and say, "I can't do this long distance love and I am going to date someone." I was usually already ******* someone new, but felt this huge loss and deep sadness.
I made them break up with me and would then say, "See they didn't Really love me." It was a confirmation that I was both unloved and unlovable.
In that instant, I realized not only how loved I had been but how many of those women, who still stayed in touch with me, often through my sisters, still loved me.
Now I can look at that little boy standing lonely in the side yard and just feel tenderness for him. I can be thankful for that decision because due to that decision I became a master at the chase, seduction and pushing the limits with kinky sex and bisexual girlfriends, ******* guys' wives which I would never have experienced if I had not been broken.
All the women who left me? I can see how much they loved me. God I have had a life filled with love and amazing women. More than most men get in a few hundred lifetimes.
So that painful experience is now a gift filled with joy and love.
I think someplace up here I wrote a story about me running away from home when I was 4. When my mother, sisters and nanny did not come out to bring me in and I waited for 3 or 4 hours, I decided I was both unloved and unloveable.
I lived much of my life out of that experience. I think so much of my D/s relationships were born from that and the young girl of 8 who taught me about whipping her when I was 6. As I got in touch with that experience again, I spent 3 weeks trying to forgive my mother and felt nothing.
Then one day, I was looking at that little boy. I was feeling his pain and I felt so sad and sorry for him. I told him to forgive himself for making that silly decision.
I stopped hating him and his life.
I felt this overwhelming sense of love and forgiveness for him flood through me.
All my life, with literally thousands of lovers, I had always pushed and pushed until they finally left me; I mean every one. I had never broken up with a girl in my life. I had moved to a different state, country continent, but never broken up. They would call or write and say, "I can't do this long distance love and I am going to date someone." I was usually already ******* someone new, but felt this huge loss and deep sadness.
I made them break up with me and would then say, "See they didn't Really love me." It was a confirmation that I was both unloved and unlovable.
In that instant, I realized not only how loved I had been but how many of those women, who still stayed in touch with me, often through my sisters, still loved me.
Now I can look at that little boy standing lonely in the side yard and just feel tenderness for him. I can be thankful for that decision because due to that decision I became a master at the chase, seduction and pushing the limits with kinky sex and bisexual girlfriends, ******* guys' wives which I would never have experienced if I had not been broken.
All the women who left me? I can see how much they loved me. God I have had a life filled with love and amazing women. More than most men get in a few hundred lifetimes.
So that painful experience is now a gift filled with joy and love.
By:
veralynn
Age:
22-25
,
Female
