So Do I.

There was a period in my life up to when I was about 13-14 when I didn't have any power to help.

What I think is the turning point of my life is when I was about 6-7 years old that I felt so helpless.

I was watching my beautiful mother get puchched to the ground by my father and she was knocked out cold and he proceded to kick a defenceless woman while she was on the ground like a rag doll.

I seen this through stinging tears.

As I was watching the horror from a window. I made a promise. Remember this is a promise from a 6 year old child.

I promised that I would never ever get a girlfriend and marry. I would rather die alone than to hurt a female.

As watched that beating I wanted it so much to stop. I wanted someone to stop the horror. I could not be that someone. How I prayed for it to stop. I could not watch anymore and I went into the lounge room and sat down to cry.

I remember her coming into the house crying and went to her room and heard crying like I have never heard before. My father made her cry.

From then on I could not trust my father again. He lost my trust. lost my love. lost my forgiveness. lost my faith to protect us, lost my faith in myself because I could not stop it.

What if I did get a girlfriend and she was attacted by someone else, would I be able to stop it?

Recently I came across these words.

"Forgiveness is how you let go of the hurt feelings and stress surrounding the actions of another person. If you do not forgive, the hurt sticks around a lot longer than it should. When you hold on to all that hurt, it ends up eating away at your Soul and it alters your personality and emotional well-being".

No truer words spoken.

My soul is corrupted and is being eaten away by myself. It feels it does not deserve love because it is helpless to stop the pain that someone is giving to someone else. Helplessness does not deserve anything.

I should of put myself in front of my mother and let him kick me. That is how I feel.

I am trying to forgive myself, forgive my 6 year old self.

I have run from love for to long. I have paid for the sins of the father many times over and more.

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3 Responses Feb 8, 2010

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((POWERFUL HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

May God bless you and you find peace.

May God bless you and you find peace.