I'Ve Made A Huge Mess Of My LifeI fantasize daily about just saying screw it all and taking off. Disappearing...driving off into the sunset...even leaving the country altogether...and just figure things out as I go. Truth be told, it would be the first time I've truly "lived" life. It might even be kind of exciting in some ways. I have practically no money but I could find a way, right? I've made mistakes in the past which continue to haunt me in profound ways (see my first story I posted), in addition to the fact that I'm 34 with absolutely nothing to show for it: no career, no stable job history and I'm practically unemployable now given my unfortunate background, no social life to write home about, no real achievements to boast of, never established credit or learned to cook for myself, no relationship experience while most people my age are married and settled by now...I could go on.
I had some setbacks in my life...namely, autism spectrum disorder (I was high-functioning enough to mostly outgrow it, but I still deal with its residual effects), pervasive developmental disorder, social anxiety, and chronic major depression...I have always been "behind" for my age. Indeed, I don't even feel like an adult, in so many ways.
I just want a clean slate. I just want a normal life, whatever that is. I am tired of dealing with the hopeless mess that is my life. I am tired of feeling so hopeless and alone. I am tired of feeling like a broken, toxic, fatally flawed man. I am tired of crying in my solitude every day. I want to either get far away from it all...or just exit this existence entirely.