Screwed Up

I thought things were getting better for me. I thought things were changing for the better but today I learned that I really should never have been born. Today I did the worst thing imaginable. I don't know what's gotten into me but these past few days I haven't been feeling myself. At first I thought that I was PMSing but that's not what it is. I've felt pressure against my heart and I thought it was just something normal. Last night I was mad at my mother for something she said but I got over it rather quickly. Today I worked and I've been staying with my grandmother while I work since it's closer. On Wednesday's is the day that my mother, sister, grandmother and I spend the day together so we did. we went to the mall 'cause my sister needed a dress for her winter formal. I was walking with my grandma behind my mom and sister. I don't really know what got into me but I didn't feel like myself. I decided I wanted to go look for boots so I did and my grandma came with me. I felt very distant from everyone and for a while I really thought I was dreaming. After a while it felt like we were all mad at each other and my grandma decided to tell my mom to take her and me home. My mom got mad and walked out of the mall with us trailing behind her. We got to the car and I started crying. I really don't know what was wrong with me but I just started crying. Everyone got into the car and my mom and grandma started arguing and it was all my fault because something is wrong with me. Something got into me today and I made my mom and grandma fight. I feel worthless and like everything bad that has ever happened is my fault. How can I make a mother and a daughter fight like that? What kind of person does that make me? How can I live knowing that I caused this? I never meant for this to happen. I always say that things happen for a reason but honestly this I don't understand. Why would something like this happen? I screwed up today and everything that happened with them today is my fault. It's like I destroyed their relationship. When my mother left she was crying saying that this was bound to happen. When I went into the house with my grandmother she threw something on the floor and said this is how I know I should never have been born. I feel like the worst person alive. Today I did the worst thing I have ever done in my life. This is my fault and I have no idea how to fix it.
NessieMarie NessieMarie
18-21, F
Dec 5, 2012