The Talk I Wish We Had A Long Time Ago - Listen Up, Young Lovers

I recently posted this in the I Live In A Sexless Marriage (ILIASM) group on EP. There are almost 34 thousand members of this group. Think about it, almost 34 thousand members in ILIASM vs. 4000 in this group.

For those of you who don't think sex is important, whether too much or too little, think again. I have been married over 20 years, most of the years sexless. We never cheated on each other, at least I didn't. Given the fact that I'm hornier than he is, it's unlikely he's cheated on me. Unless of course, he's gay, something I don't really have any proof of.

I grew up believing that sex is for marriage or at least a boyfriend/girfriend relationship. It's a necessary evil. Boys like it, girls hate it except to get pregnant and married. However, my husband's and my sex drive never meshed. I always wanted it, he always avoided it. We are now separating. True, that's not the only reason. However, good sex can get you through the bad times and help a relationship bond. That tender intimacy is a sign of trust and willingness to be vulnerable. My husband was neither trusting or willing to be vulnerable. Eventually, I became the same way. That lack of trust carried over into other aspects of our relationships.

So, read my story and check out ILIASM before making the plunge. Are you and your fiance/fiancee truly intimate willing to explore the dark and deep? Are you more like best buddies or roommates? Do you care either way? Does he like sex a lot more than you or vice versa? Is it always "some other time?" If you're young and still figuring this out, I urge you to wait on a financial and emotional commitment. Those of you who wish to wait until marriage until having sex, I strongly urge you to reconsider. I'm not suggesting you indulge in casual sex, but safe sex with a partner who cares for you. Don't be afraid to call off an engagement for any reason. Marriage is an important commitment.


A few nights ago, my STBX and I were about to watch a favorite show together . He asked me how my current lover felt about using condoms, etc. My STBX had a hard time remaining erect with a condom.

Before I continue, I should note that part of the reason my my STBX is my STBX is that he tends to overshare personal information. We get along well and I have to be very careful about what I say to him, but I did say that most men have this problem to varying degrees. He has to find out what works for him and his lady-love. The internet has a plethora of condom and birth control lore. I avoided oversharing back to him.

Then, he said I seemed angry years ago when he could not get erect sometimes when we used to try to do it. I don't recall ever being mean. I try not to be mean when I'm frisky. As a matter of fact, when I'm frisky, I'm more kittenish than cougar-like. I've always understood that a lot of factors go into erectile dysfunction. And I remembered even in my 20s suggesting he see a doctor about this. FYI, there was a time I could not physically have sex because of an imperforate hymen, not for the lack of trying. I had gone to a psychologist who advised me to see a doctor to see if the pain wasn't in my head, but physical - and he was right. FYI, I actually saw a doctor at a clinic meant specifically for men's sexual health - LOL. I suspect some of the other patients thought I went in for a sex change. What a hoot. But I digress, this is an example of the fact that I'm open-minded. I had asked him to see a doctor, he refused I think because he thought it was an insult.

In any case, this recent conversation was a tense one. It was hard for him to be open and continue, but I asked if that's why he started not wanting to have sex with me at all. He said that was part of it. He had also been worried that I would want to leave him and that made him less horny. I understood that. The beginning of our marriage was rocky because I didn't really want to get married because my parents' long marriage was such a bad example. So, my STBX would try anything to prevent me from leaving him. He didn't want me to look for jobs in other towns or states even if it would've benefited us to get up and move. Of course, he was allowed to this. He didn't like if I went out with friends, but he did this. Hard to believe that I'm an ardent feminist, isn't it? Well, I put up with this because I loved him and I didn't like him to be sad. He didn't physically harm me, but he used emotional manipulation to limit my freedom.

In any case, he overshared that he still has problems with his current partner. I guess I'm the "sex guru" to him now. I said he needs to see a doctor. He's got the whole "metabolic syndrome" profile that has a bad impact on erection. I also asked what he likes to do most with her. He really prefers to do other things with her than sex. She's definitely hornier than he is (again, his overshare). She's very much the initiator. But despite his oversharing, I think I got through to him when I said that it's ok to be a man who isn't that into sex, but he needs to find a partner who's more similar to him. There's nothing wrong with it. Not everyone has to be like Bill Clinton. I also said that if she's that much into sex and he isn't, there could be problems down the line. No - will be problems. So, I hope I'm saving my STBX and his lady-love a future of misery, but I doubt it. If she's the horny lass he claims her to be and he still lacks ardor, she'll be posting on here in no time.

I doubt if we would've ever had this talk early in our marriage. Back then, I thought I was "unreasonably horny" and that the best marriage is one where you still love each other and don't need to have sex. I was pretty clueless that my need for sex was vital for my happiness. He was clueless that pretending to want to have sex at some point is not the same as actually wanting sex and initiating it. If both of us had clues, we would've agreed that we were not right for each other and gone our separate ways. Of course, we wouldn't have created a wonderful child . . . .Still . . .

So, be honest about what your needs are. Whether you're a horndog or not. It's not bad either way unless something physical is preventing you from having sex that you actually want to have. If you don't want to have sex, find someone with similar interest. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. This is the rest of your life we're talking about.

Part of the reason why I didn't check this content as being inappropriate for people under 18 is that it's not prurient & I doubt many people under 18 are reading this.

However, people under 18 SHOULD read this. The teen years are the time when we realize what level of sexuality we require. Acknowledge and seek out partners who are truly simpatico. Find out not just from them, delve into their sexual histories or lack of.
sweetbutterbiscuit sweetbutterbiscuit
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

Hey there