Get Me Out.

I've never ever felt like I belonged in this society and whole damn country.
I grew up in a different society to the dominant one here, so I've always felt out of place and felt like my opinions can't contribute, won't be valued and that I wasn't competent enough. I always blamed this on myself... that something must be wrong with me for being like this.
When I took sociology at university I thought it'd help me understand it better and to understand the country I was born in. Maybe then I could offer something of value.
At the beginning I found it enlightening. I found out that the things I was feeling wasn't because something was wrong with me, it was because the host society wasn't very accepting towards us and that the individual problems always had strong ties to the social context surrounding them. It made me feel slightly better cuz it lifted the blame a little. But as I learnt more and more about "my country" I get the feeling that there really isn't any place for me here. Someone explained it pretty well in a video I saw: It's like going to a party where two dominant people are arguing and already deep in a conversation, you have no idea what the hell is going on, then they turn to you and ask why you're not integrating into the discussion.... HOW?! You're not giving us any room to contribute in the first place! How seriously would you take us if we said something? Wouldn't you just object and dismiss the thoughts of an "outsider"? I think you would. Doesn't that reflect your true view of me, that I'm not accepted and won't be accepted, that you just want people like us to contribute to economy of the country but butt out of any other social or structural domain? It doesn't seem to make a difference that this is the only "home" I know to them.
Having a multicultural identity has always been a huge issue for me... I thought I would come to become comfortable with it but I think it may be getting worse. And now I think that I will be rejected from here altogether... I just want to get out of this stupid narrow world. But then I have no where else to go, where the hell would I finally gain acceptance?! I just know that I can't stay here. The thought of me dying here and being buried in this land (which I have never belonged to or even liked that much) is just unthinkable.
Recently all I've been remembering is the time I came back from a holiday in another country that had a huge population. I came back and the shops were already closed by 6pm, unheard of in the country I was previously in. The only one open was the super market and it was completely empty and I had already gotten used to jammed pack crowds of the previous country. I keep remembering the feeling of unease as I stood alone in that aisle, how it felt like a ghost town; absolutely dead, behind the rest of the world, and that in being there I was dead too. I shouldn't be here. I just want to get out of here and now I've succumbed to agitation and restlessness, starting to think that it is my fault afterall.
ddddrb ddddrb
2 Responses Apr 5, 2011

I moved back home country too and its not the country but the people that make it that Way. Sometime people just disagree with any of my oppinions because I don't think like them. It's very unaccepting in a way and I just feel like. Sshould be somewhere else.

oh my god I know exactly how you feel!! I don't feel like I belong where I am, I just feel this extreme and undeniable sense of discontent. Like you I kind of grew up in a subculture, and like you I have been to another country that I identified so much more with. I plan to move there when I am done with University, and I advise you to do the same thing. Hopefully it is just as simple as finding our niches in the world!<br />
<br />
Good luck!!!