I know there are people who have it worse; I know that and thank God every day for the blessings in my life. But getting through the day gets harder and harder . . .
My job is very stressful. My bosses value me for my ability to stand my ground and speak my mind. However, they don't want me to stand my ground or speak my mind to them. They want to know everything that's going on, but don't want full disclosure. I just can't win at the office.
My husband was severely injured in an accident 2 years ago and suffered a personality change due to his brain injury. He is addicted to *********** now. Our sex life is non-existent; if we do share intimacy it is challenging. I feel like his mother now rather than his wife. The bills from his accident are staggering . . . it is a worker's comp case and the insurance companies battle each other over who will pay the bills, but in the meantime the bills show up in our mailbox. In our state lawyers can't get involved until a settlement is reached, and that can take up to 9 years.
So I get lost in my work. It is simpler for me to be there than here. The ones paying the price are our children. They resent me for working. They resent my husband for his odd behavior. I hate being in the middle of it all.
And in the middle of all of this I fell for someone else - nothing physical has happened, it remains emotional but no less damaging. No one will ever understand how complicated it all is. I hate how I feel at work. I hate how I feel at home. I hate how I feel with my husband. I hate how I feel with HIM. The only time I feel free is when I drive my car, and there are days I am tempted to just keep driving.