Life Should Not Be Hard

I know there are people who have it worse; I know that and thank God every day for the blessings in my life.  But getting through the day gets harder and harder . . .

My job is very stressful.  My bosses value me for my ability to stand my ground and speak my mind.  However, they don't want me to stand my ground or speak my mind to them.  They want to know everything that's going on, but don't want full disclosure.  I just can't win at the office.

My husband was severely injured in an accident 2 years ago and suffered a personality change due to his brain injury.  He is addicted to *********** now.  Our sex life is non-existent; if we do share intimacy it is challenging.  I feel like his mother now rather than his wife.  The bills from his accident are staggering . . . it is a worker's comp case and the insurance companies battle each other over who will pay the bills, but in the meantime the bills show up in our mailbox.  In our state lawyers can't get involved until a settlement is reached, and that can take up to 9 years.

So I get lost in my work.  It is simpler for me to be there than here.  The ones paying the price are our children.  They resent me for working.  They resent my husband for his odd behavior.  I hate being in the middle of it all.

And in the middle of all of this I fell for someone else - nothing physical has happened, it remains emotional but no less damaging.  No one will ever understand how complicated it all is.  I hate how I feel at work.  I hate how I feel at home.  I hate how I feel with my husband.  I hate how I feel with HIM.  The only time I feel free is when I drive my car, and there are days I am tempted to just keep driving.

sassyg1rl sassyg1rl
46-50, F
4 Responses Oct 30, 2009

god quit whing you have a JOB!..and you have a partner..i have no job car and please just shut up you have no idea what being alone and having a ****** up life feels like

Maybe you should read my other stories and not judge. I have no one. And my life is beyond ****** up.

Sigh. Know what you mean. You have to go home eventually. Good luck, Cam!

I just went for that drive... an hour in the car, the only problem was i couldn't come up with any solutions and due to lack of money and places to go I ended up right back where I started.....

Today is the straw that broke this camel's back. Figure I need a solid 6 months before the job market opens up enough for me to get out of here; not sure if I can stand it here that long. <br />
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Just sat in my truck wishing I could cry when I got home. Wishing I had a shoulder to cry on.