Still Don't Feel Right.

  I was sexually taken advantage of by my two older step brothers since I was 3. I don't remember when it stopped because my mind's blocked out the actual memories... It's just recently that I've been having flashbacks of what leaded up tot the instances, since my sister finally admitted it had happened to us. I didn't even know it  had really happened until she talked to me about it, I thought I was just making it up...

I've tried on many occasions to overcome my issues and be with somebody.. but if I'm even to close to a guy still I blush. when I was growing up I felt really uncomfortable in my body. I hated the looks I was getting from older guys, I had so much trouble in school because of the amount of attention I started getting in grade 8. In grade 7 I rejected a guy that kept asking me out, he was really sweet and shy, and when he finally asked me himself I couldn't say no, but when he was trying to tell everyone we were going out now, i said i was sorry i couldn't be with him. I don't know why because I waited and anticipated him asking me again for so long since he usually had his friends ask for him. I just couldn't handle the idea of what I'd have to do being in a relationship. Even if we were young..

Still to this day I feel uncomfortable even showing cleavage. I'm getting better not minding when I'm sized up, but sometimes I end up being awkward because I'm so focused on trying not to do anything that could be sexually appealing but still appearing attractive.. There's so much that goes on in my mind. And now I'm 18 and I haven't done so much more than hug a guy, well, there was a kiss but it was when I was drunk.. I hadn't planned on it really being a kiss anyway. A girl kissed me too that night. I tried, once, recently, with my best friend, she was all for it, and it was even the one that made the first moves... but I couldn't get any farther than holding her hand and touching her stomach. I couldn't do it, I pushed myself so much but I just couldn't do it in the end... the way I become disgusted in the moment troubles me. Especially since it's so natural and I literally day dream about being with a guy I like.. it's so perfect in my mind and I'm all for it.. until it becomes a reality. And then I seize up, my stomach twists into knots and it doesn't feel right when I want it to. 

I feel ashamed for being sexually inappropriate when I was younger... Maybe that would even be easier to deal with, but you wouldn't believe how awful it really was. My step brothers didn't do it for pleasure, it was sadistic, like torture and bondage. It makes me sick, it haunts my dreams.. and I'm terrified to remember. If I even touch myself I end up crying afterwards... Worse, I just don't want becoming sexually active with somebody else to bring those memories back, especially in front of somebody that won't expect it or understand.