The Pain Never Ceases.From as early as I can remember, I have always been the one left out. The runt. The undesirable. The black sheep. I have always felt a sense of disconnect between myself and my peers. In public school, I was beaten, harassed, humiliated and forgotten. Students hated me. Teachers and authority figures paid no attention to me. This left me questioning in high school why I was even created at all, because it felt like my whole life was God's little joke. Kids would invite one another to outings from youth group, and I would only find out after the fact because "oh! I'm sorry! I must have forgotten you!".... *scoff* yeah, the one who is easily forgotten. Nobody would let me into their groups, even though i tried; nobody asked me to ever do anything. I went home alone from school every day to do things by myself, fall asleep by myself and wake up the next day just to live in hell once again. I cant tell you how many nights I prayed for God to just wipe me out or mornings I was angry at God for waking me up again.
I hit college and I promised myself it would be a new start. I felt like I changed. But the more i changed the more things stayed the same. By this time in my life I have had enough people tell me how worthless, ugly, undesirable and purposeless I was... for no reason I could yet see. I had been told disgustedly "eww who would date you?!"... I had been harassed physically enough and bullied even through college... when I was SUPPOSED to be having fun and SUPPOSEDLY people matured.
So now I am here. 22. I have Paranoid Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Muscle Dysmorphia and am prone to panic attacks. I look at myself in the mirror and am incapable of believing anything therein to be positive. I spend my evenings alone with nobody to hold, to cry with, and most importantly, to laugh with. And I am being told now in my miserable existence that I am TOO whiny or TOO sensitive or TOO selfish (for wanting help)... as if it's my own effing fault that I grew up in such social trauma and now deal with what I do.
I want to trust people but I am afraid to. I want friends but I dont know how to make or keep them. I want to rewind time and prevent myself from ever being born. Is it so wrong to want just one person to care about me, unconditionally?
kha185 22-25, M 2 Responses 0 Jan 20, 2011