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Just Need To Complain

Honestly, I just feel like complaining on the internet world to a bunch of strangers. I'm tired of complaining to loved ones and especially to those who just don't fully get it.

I've already shared a story here so if anyone happens to come across this I'm sure there's a way to find it.

In a nut shell my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 3 years now and I'm so sick of hearing "In God's time", "Maybe you just weren't meant to have a baby", "Maybe God has a different path for you", ect. ect. ect. Well quit frankly I don't believe in a religious God. People say the world is bab because of human behavior and while that is true for most things, that doesn't explain things like cancer, HIV/AIDS, other deadly diseases, inferitlity problems, and miscarriages or still borns with women who don't screw up their body during pregnacy. Ya, but anyway, that's beside the point.

I know there are way worse things that could happen than my infertility issues, but that doesn't mean it's not a painful thing to go through. No offense but how in the world is saying something like "In God's time" or "Maybe it's not in God's plan" is going to help a woman or a man with infertility issues? What makes God think a teeanger who hasn't even graduated high school deserve a child more than a married couple who eventualy had plans to have a baby? What makes God think a mother who already abuses one child deserve to get pregnant with another baby? What makes God think a woman or a man who sleeps around and wouldn't even think twice about getting an abortion deserve to have a baby? What makes God think a single mother who decided to be stupid enough to have sex with the same guy who walked out on her and her baby two years earlier deserve to get pregnant again (Sorry, that's a personal story!)? What makes God think that a couple who decided to wait for the right time to have a baby not deserve to have a baby? Seriously, what goes through people's mind when they say "In God's time." or "Maybe it's not God's plan".

Heck I'll even go way off topic here for people in a worse situation as mean. What goes through people's mind when they say to a mother and a father with a child that could possiably die from cancer "Maybe this is God's plan to make you stronger."? Ya, God's a really great God if he's giving a little boy or girl cancer to make his parents stronger or more thankful.

Anyway, to go back on topic, I really wish some people would think before they speak considering everyone in my life now knows I'm agnostic and not a Christian. On top of that I keep hearing things like "My children are a gift from God and mean the world to me. I don't know where I would be without them". Ya, ummm.......To a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years now that translates into "I was more worthy of having a child". Maybe that's not how it's meant to be, but that's how it sounds.

I've tried to find a local organzation for women/couples going through the same thing as my husband and I, but so far I've only found one that only have meetings about once every 6 months. Ya, like that'll help us meet other people in the same situation as us.

Sometimes I wish that society would take this issue more serious. We all aren't rich like miss Angelina Jolie. Most people can't even afford to adopt one child because of the outrages prices the lawyers charage and in some cases the outrages money the biological parent/parents request. Which reminds me, asking "Why don't you just adopt" isn't really much help either.

 

 

MiChamoMelissa MiChamoMelissa 26-30, F 11 Responses Dec 11, 2009

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Wow! A lot changes in a year and a half! Maybe I should update my profile on here. I now have a beautiful 5 months old daughter and I've started to go to an international church. Maybe I was never really an agnostic. Maybe I just lost faith. I still don't understand why God has dieases on earth and I still don't understand why he allows miscarriages to happen for some and for others have a baby born with a defect, but I do feel like my daughter is a gift from him. I still don't understand why he's not blessing others who deserve it, but blessing others who don't deserve it, but maybe I'll figure that out when I'm dead.

The situation with your cousin sounds worse than the situation with my cousin.



I'm not lucky enough to personally know anyone who is going through the same thing as us. That's why I've tried to look for support groups, but I haven't had any luck finding any. It seems like the Dutch people want to keep to themselves when they have problems. Like I said, I've only found one who have a meet up about once every 6 months in different areas of Holland and they wind up having people who already had their babies come and share their stories. I realize that they went through the same thing and were lucky enough to be blessed and I realize that gives most people hope. However, I'm an odd person. I just see that as me being unfairly childless along with all the others who weren't lucky enough to get pregnant yet.



I wound up having a break down in the hospital yesterday, because I realized all my friends have left me. I pretty much only have my husband and a girl who I've been trying to make friends with. We met 2 years ago when I had a small job. She's an extremely busy person because she goes to college and has a part time job. Lately everytime I call I don't get an answer and she never winds up calling back. I'm hoping it's because she's just extrmely busy right now and it's not because she's gotten tired of me as well. I know I make sure I talk about good stuff with her. I talk about the animals since she's also an animal, I ask how she's doing, I talk about my husband, i ask about her boyfriend, and ask about her school and work. I do everything right, so I don't see why she would suddenly get tired of me. However, since all my American friends pretty much told me "It's not that big fo a deal, get over it." and had nothing to do with me, I'm a tad bit paranoid.



The last friend who left me did it in a rather nasty way. I wound up writting a blog about how I didn't like reading a story about a woman who had cancer and rencently gave birth in that magazine that belongs to that one support group I was talking about. I explained that I didn't like reading it for two reason. The first reason was because I didn't like the fact that someone wind up getting screwed even more than me where she had both cancer and infertlity issues and that it didn't give me "myself" hope. I also explained that I knew it gave other people hope, but just not me. This suppose it friend flipped off on me, told me I was selfish and cold hearted, said a few other harsh words, and told me to never write to her or call her again. She also mentioned that my problem isn't a big deal and I needed to be more sympothic to others. This whole entire time she pretended to be a friend. She pretended she wanted to be there for me. I asked her for months if I did anything wrong because she seemeded distance. She said no. For months she led me to believe I had a friend. Then she decides do do that and I have no way of putting in my two cents because I know the American and Canadian law is that once someone tells you not to ever write or call again and if you do it you can be charaged for harassment. What about that person who decided to say harsh words to you and doesn't give you a chance to say anything back? Shouldn't that be illegal as well?



I know most people would think "It's not that big of a deal. It was only written words and you can make new friends" Ya, well I'm trying to make new friends but I'm not having any luck. I either wind up meeting people who are young and want to party or people who already have their families and only want to make friends with other parents. Ya, I swear I run into those type of people. Why a parent can't try to make friend with someone who doesn't party and doesn't have a family yet, I'll never know.



That reminds me, It's also annoying when people say "Oh you'll make plenty of friends once you are pregnant". Okay, so I don't deserve friends until I'm pregnant? So someone who isn't in the partying stage and who isn't pregnant or have a child yet can't have a friend? I mean seriouslly, what kind of comment is that suppose to be when I've been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and just want a friend to go out and do things with once in a while to take my mind off of things? And the funny thing is that none of these people bother asking "Hey want to go out to a movie together sometime" or something like that. In case you are wondering these type of people are the type of people you see once in a blue moon like a relative that just seems to not want to keep in contact with you or a co-worker of your spouse.



When I said I rather be myself with one friend than to pretend to be someone I'm not with 10 friends, I menat it. However, it would be nice to actually have that one friend.



I do have a long distant friend who lives in Canada. However, we can't really make plans to go to a movie together to take my mind of if things with her living in Canada. I can call her every once in a while and I can write to her, but I want/need someone to do something with during the day sometimes while my husband is at work.



So ya, I'm almost friendless because I wind up being an agnostic and because supposely my infertility issues isn't a big deal.



I realize that you can't die from infertlity issues like you can with cancer, but it is a disease and you do go through emotional stress and in some cases physical stress if you wind up doing something like IVF. I'm not saying cancer isn't a big deal. It's a huge deal in fact. I'm just saying there should be just as much awarness on infertlity issues as there are on cancer and HIV/AIDS.



I know I was one of those pepople who didn't realize how big infertlity problems are until I started to go through it myself. It's not because I didn't have sympothy or didn't understand, it's because I just simply wasn't really aware of it. No one ever speaks up about it.



jenu1,



I'll write you a PM. It's easier that way.

what milligrams were you on of clomid? and did they ever increase it? i was told with clomid I have 75% chance and I am really hoping for that. I get irritated anymore when I hear about someone being pregnant. my sister in law is 16 and is pregnant and it really makes me angry. I was never a partier i never used drugs I was a good kid. I worked 2 fulltime jobs through high school. i settled down and got married and the one thing we want more than anything is a baby. im not saying i deserve to be a mommore than anyone else i am simply saying i am better off then some of these girls who sleep around and get pregnant or the ones who are strung out and leave their babies in dumpsters and for some reason they get blessed with a child. sorry here i go ranting...lol.... i know a friend of mine was on clomid and metformin and she got pregnant on cycle 1. have you had the dye tests done to see if your tubes are open? i know what you mean about gaining weight. i gained 50 lbs in 2 years i have so many stretch marks because of it and my family physician said that my weight was my problem too. I eat whole grain everything i stay away from my fats and sugars and still dont lose weight. im completely lost. how did you lose the 22 lbs? i will keep you posted on eveything the gyno does for me that way if by some chance i wind up pregnant i can tell you what they did and maybe you can try it too.

I know what you mean about the wrong people getting pregnant. I have a cousin who has four kids, each of them by a different father. She eventually married one out of the four, but it didn't last long. In fact, I think she was pregnant with the next kid (by a new father) before she got divorced. God's plan? That would have to be a strange god indeed...



I was lucky in that a close friend of mine was having fertility problems about the same time my wife and I were, so I had someone to talk to. I don't know if you have the same, but hopefully venting here really does help.

I might as well just post this here for myself, since I got annoyed again yesterday.



First I read that Kendra from the Playboy mansion gave birth to a baby. I knew she got married earlier this year, but I didn't know she was pregnant. All I know is that I hope those 3 girls were semi acting, because if Kernda is like that in real life then I don't know how well of a mother should would be. I do know 99% of those shows are fake, so odds are that she was just acting like a complete fool. But ya, anway, that's besides the point. I guess I kind of got a little upset about reading it because Kendra reminds me of my cousin who was stupid enough to get pregnant again from a guy who left her and her child. Okay, the first time it was an unplanned pregnancy. However, I consider the second peregnancy mental abuse for her two sons. She's going to teach her sons that it's okay that a father walks out on his child and comes back only to reproduce. On top of that the father cheats and I know that's not going to be easy on the children once they get older. So I guess in an illogical way it was like my cousin getting pregnant for the 3rd time rather than Kendra getting pregnant.



Then I watch Ugly Betty where the cliff hanger is Hilda's pregnancy test coming out positive and well in pretty much any and every TV show or movie I watch there's got to be some sort of pregnancy.



I wake up this morning and read something about an directors mother dieing being one of the things people are searching online. I was curious as to who it was and then before the article gets to that it mentions the Duggers having their 19th baby and yet another celeb giving birth. Okay, I'm sure the Duggers are great parents if they are up to the 19th child and I doubt the celeb would be a bad mother (All I know about her is that she's a model.), but still anyone and everyone is getting pregnant except for me. On top of that it seems like every 10th house someone is putting up a sign welcoming a new born baby. Although, I did read that the Dugger's baby was born several months prematurally and weighs less than 2 pounds, so that's really sad.



Oh ya, and yesterday I ran into a girl who I talk with once in a while. She moved here from Russia to be with her Dutch husband. She was in her 30's when she met him and her first pregnancy which was almost 4 years ago was in her late 30's. She wound up having complications and had to go on bed rest. Supposely it was because she was over the age of 35. She also wound up having complications with her second pregnancy, but not as severe as her first pregnancy where she had to be on bed rest. She just gave birth at the end of August and now the baby is in the hospital with lung problems. The ifrst hospital told me I had plenty of time to have a baby, but it sounds like the older you get the more risky it is to have a baby. Now that's another thing I find unfair. The woman wanted to work before starting a family it to me it feels like she's being punished for that. I know she doesn't see it that way, but it's just how I'm seeing it.



Okay, now I feel better again. lol

I think more religous people should be like you, weather it be Christian or another religion. I've always questioned how God can have a plan for us if we have a free choice. Even when I was a Christian I never believed that God had a plan for us, but rather God would help us through things. Everytime I would ask how can God have a plan for us if we have a free will people would get upset with me and say something like "No matter what we choose we wind up coming back to God's plan". However, they would say it like they were offended rather than just an normal answer. My mom always said, "When it's your time to go it's your time to go". I also never believed that because then that means God would intend for a someone to shoot a certain person and if that was the case, then how nice can he be if he plans on someone dieing a painful death and plan on sending someone to jail?



Ya, but anyway I appreciate your support and maybe someday I will believe again, even though I don't think God would be too pleased.

I think it is natural to question your faith when going through something like infertility. I never completely lost hope, as I thought we would eventually have a child, but it was very difficult to have any faith that God was going to intervene on our behalf. My wife began seriously questioning her faith after about a year with no success.



I don't want to get too theological, but I don't believe that God has decided exactly when you (or anyone else) will get pregnant. If God really has a "plan" in the conventional sense of the word, then free will cannot really exist. (Try using that argument the next time someone says something about God's plan; rational Christians might take up the discussion, but a lot of people who have never given any thought to their faith will just get angry. I think it is hard to consider such people either rational or Christian. But I digress...)



Infertility can be very trying, but it is not a good reason to doubt the existence of God. Then again, there are plenty of other good reasons for doubt; that's why they call it "faith." I do hope that you do rediscover your faith someday, but I don't believe that is likely until you are successful at getting pregnant, so I will hope for that first. It is much easier to believe in miracles with a baby in your life...

First of all I appolize for any spelling mistakes. I honestly don't feel like checking for spelling mistakes in this case. It's not like I'm writting an essay. (lol). Although, maybe it's a good idea to write an essay on infertility issues.



Thank you for all your responses. I was actually expecting no repiies or angry replies from Christians.



FreeThinkSphere,



Thank you for you thoughts. I think I've come to peace with my religious view, it's just that my family, with the excpetion of my husband and my father-in-law haven't come to peace with it. I think my mother-in-law at least tries, but isn't fully there. I also had friends or people who I thought were friends cut me out of my life because I stopped being a Christian. I only have 2 friends left with one of them being my husband. However, I rather be myself with 2 friends than to pretend to be someone I'm not with 10 friends. However, friends are different from family. Friends can come and go. Yes, it hurts when you find out someone isn't really a friend, but you get over it eventualy. It's not so easy to do when it comes to family. I respect that they are Christians, so they should respect the fact that I decided to be agnostic or close enough to being agnostic. I also know that my mother, mother-in-law, and my one aunt try to understand and try their best to support me, but I just don't think they fully understand the emotional pain I go through with infertility issues. The only thing I don't like about my mom and aunt is that they seem to be pushing me to become a Christian again. I also want to add that I do know I'm lucky that I have my mother, mother-in-law, and aunt who do try to support me. Some people don't even get one person let alone 3 people. It's just that sometimes I get annoyed or even angry when they try to push the Christian religion on me.



emrldpeeps,



Thank you for the supporting words. The doctors have suggested both my husband and I to relax because stress makes it more difficult, but it's so difficult to relax when everyone and anyone is getting pregnant. We took a small break back in May and went on a vacation for a week and took a 3 week break from the infertility treatments. I started to have gallstones problems in June, but because our former house doctor was a rather crappy doctor I went about 3 months with major pain during the evening every few days and the house doctor claimed it was because of my big breasts. My big breasts were to blame for anything and evertying. Here in Holland you have to have permision to go to the ER (such a stupid rule). I finally got permision one evening in August and I was omited to the hospital with gallstones and 2 infections from the gallstones. I'm sure those 3 months stopped me from getting pregnant and then after I was omited to the hosptial I had to wait about 2 months before I could have my gallbladder removed which made 2 1/2 months without infertility treatments. We just started back up about 3 weeks ago. I do agree that stress doesn't help and I honestly do try not to be stressed out, but sometimes it's so hard to do.



jenu1,



Thank you for your offer. I just might take you up on that, because for once I would just like to talk with someone who knows what I'm going through.



I am 27-years-old and I was also diagnosed with PCOS. The first hospital I went to for treatments was a very crappy hospital and for some stupid reason it took me a year to switch hospitals. There was a waiting list for the new hospital because it's the second best hospital in Holland. I had to wait 6 months before I got my first appointment there. But anyway, I was told there was 50/50 chance that clomid would work. Well I fell under the 50% it didn't work for and I moved onto harmone treatment that I've been doing for about 2 years now.



I'm telling the story a little out of order here, but my periods were actualy always normal as a teenager all the way up until I started to take the birth control pill. I used it for about a year and then we switched to using condoms because I wasn't ready for a baby yet and the pills just kept putting weight on me and gave me pain. I missed a period right after going after them so I thought I was pregnant. I did a home pregnancy test that came out negative and when I still didn't get a period a week later I went to the doctors to have a pregnancy test which also came out negative. When I didn't get a period again the following month I went back to see what could be wrong. Since I had a crappy house doctor I was told that if I didn't want to get pregnant right now it wasn't important that I got a period and to come back when I wanted to get pregnant. I was once again stupid and rather than look for a different house doctor I just went on for about a year without getting any period. We went to the doctors to get a referal to a specialist when we decided we were ready to try for a baby. I always thought it was the birth control pill that caused my inferitlity problem because I always had a normal period before going on it. However, I know now it's just because of my stupid over weight gene.



I put on about 50 pounds after I moved to Holland. The doctors the old hosptial pretty much told me it was my fault because PCOS is caused from being over weight. When I went to the hospital I'm going to now they said that loosing weight could help with the PCOS so I started to loose weight. I've lost about 22 pounds now in the past year, but it's not helping like I would like it to help. I still have not gotten one single natural period in 3 years. The doctors did say I require less of the harmone treatments and that the eggs grow faster now, so technically it has helped, just not the way I expected it to. However, unlike the other hospital they never claimed loosing weight would cure all. They only said that it would most likely help.



I've read that they are still doing research on weather PCOS is genetic. If it is then I think maybe my great-grandmother could have had it. She got married in the 20's but it took a few years before she fell pregnant and that just wan't normal during that time period. However, my mom refuses to tell me who my father is other than he's an Italian-American who went to prision when she found out she was pregnant with me, so it could be that it runs on my father's side. I apparently get a lot of things from him because I know I don't get it from my mother's side.



Oh ya, if you don't get your period on time, there are medications that can start up your period. I had to use it and I still have to use it sometimes.



I'm now waiting for them to move onto IVF, but they keep saying that I'm not ready for that step yet because the process of my eggs growing gets better each time and IVF is way more stressful on the body.



I was 24 when I went to the first hospital. The stupid doctors there kept telling me I was still young and had plenty of time.



Oh ya, before I started to try to get pregnant I thought maybe I had type 2 diabites because I was also so tired, so I was tested for that and a thyroid problem. Both came out negative. After finding out I had gallstones earlier this year, it's possiable I could have had it all these years but the pain just didn't come until this year, because ever since I had my gallstone removed I'm no longer tired all the time. I'm hoping that will also help with me getting pregnant.



mike3380,



I'm sorry that your wife and you also had to go through the same thing as us. Even though you have 2 children now I still know how hard it is to go through weather it's one year or seven years (Just randomly choosing that number. lol). I'm also glad that you didn't get upset with my post with you being a Christian. Just out of curiousity did you believe for yourself that you would finally have a child when God was ready or were you also just frustrated?

My wife and I spent a year and a half trying. I can only imagine how tough three years would be. We tried a few different things (including Clomid), none of which worked. My wife was scheduled to have a laproscopy done (I honestly don't remember what that would have shown us...), and we had to cancel because she had a positive pregnancy test three days before the procedure was scheduled, and that was in a month when we didn't really try much. There is some truth to the idea of not trying so hard, because stress can prevent ovulation, fertilization, and implantation.



The only thing we did differently during that successful month is that my wife started taking lukewarm showers instead of hot ones during her fertile time, and she swears that the hot showers must have been killing *****. I'm not convinced, but changing little things like that might help you feel more in control of the situation, and that alone might reduce stress and lead to success.



I wish there was some magic method to cure infertility, and I entirely agree with you that society does not treat it as it should. And as a Christian, I realize how insensitive and cruel it is to tell people that it is God's plan for them to not be pregnant. It is supposed to help the infertile couple cope with the situation, but anyone who has dealt with infertility knows that it really doesn't help anyone (except perhaps the self-righteous jerk who says it). In fact, it is just infuriating.



By the way, my wife and I are expecting our second child, who was conceived on the first try, under far less than ideal circumstances, including a very irregular cycle (I think she ovulated on about cycle day 31). I have read that this is not an unusual occurence. Infertility may not be a problem that follows you past your first pregnancy, if you want more than one child. I do hope you get pregnant soon.

hey i feel ya on this topic my husband and I have been trying for 3 years also. Everyone kept telling me "when it's time god will make it happen". "stop trying and it will happen" "you are still young you have your whole life" "in due time" well i got tired of hearing it too and i had this feeling something was wrong. my grandmother had 5 kids by the time she was my age my mother had 4 and my brother has 4 so you would think that i would not have any trouble. Well long story short I requested a gyno from my doctor for infertility tests. he set me up with a wonderful one. he did the whole pap and culture tests. all was fine. then he said he wanted to do some blood work since I have gained 50 pounds in 2 years i am struggling to lose weight my periods were irregular as a teen i have horrible mood swings and i have no energy. so i agreed to have the tests done after all if blood work could prove something and i could get pregnant why not? lol. 3 days after the blood work my gyno calls and tells me they got my results and the blood work shows that i have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (research it there is a lot of info ) this disorder causes you not to ovulate which is why i have infertility problems. good news is there is a medicine that can help you. I start clomid on January 7th granted my period is on time. He said I have a really good chance of getting pregnant once I am on it.

I will not tell you to wait or give it time. because if you have what i have it can lead to type 2 diabetes and pregnancy is dangerous if you are diabetic. I'm not sure how old you are but I am 23 and the doctor said i have probably had this since puberty. I would recommend talking to a gyno. also chlamydia can go undetected for years with no signs or symptoms and that too can cause infertility. I recommend getting that checked too.

I hope this has helped you. There is hope just finding someone to take you seriously and help you is the next step. good luck and baby dust. if you ever need someone to talk to I am here.

And yes, I realize I have spelling errors.