I'm Annoying

No one takes me seriously and I annoy everyone. When someone annoys you, you want them gone. Everyone wants me gone. Why am I still here?

 

Additionally, I suck. Can do nothing right, by any definition. I can't do things I approve of or things other people approve of, or things correct according to society's expectations or things healthy for my own physical or emotional survival. I can't succeed in anything that I try and I'm alone in this hurricane of ****. Anyone else who I might try to involve is annoyed, if not at first they will be eventually. Because no one really cares about anything quite that much and ultimately people resent you for expecting them to. Because they feel like they should care, and it makes them feel like they aren't doing something right even though they can't help it. It's not their fault. No one wants to deal with someone like me. I mean, the way I really am. I hide my pain just because I can't take the reactions and the leaving and the openly being annoyed by my pain. So I pretend the best I can that it's not there. Anytime anyone gets close enough to really see me, it's the same. Because it's not their fault I'm detestable. Despicable and disgusting. It's not even my fault. It's just how things are and there's nothing that can be done

 

I'd also like to add a general apology to anyone who this typing rampage has annoyed. I should have kept it into the blogs, but what the hell. These groups needed stories anyway. But I'm sorry if my activity in your stream has bothered you at all.

BuildingNothingOutOfSomething BuildingNothingOutOfSomething
22-25
6 Responses Feb 17, 2010

Is it because I've been semi-stalking AlternateSource? haha. I looked at your activity and your circle aand your experiences. I'm a semi-stalky type, maybe. I only have like four friends right now, so I follow just about everything they do. I really look at everyone who comments what I do as well, I suppose.<br />
I have been very, very depressed lately. I'm in a feeling of relief right now which has lasted out most of the evening. I'm not sure what the cause is, but I feel helped by people like you and others on EP who are kind enough to read my depressed babbling self-loathing and, incredibly touchingly, offer some help or support. I think it might have actually made this day of emotional relief happen, possibly. So, thank you very much. I think your comment really does help

Thanks, La. I'm in a better mindset this evening than I was when I wrote this last night, but I'm sure it will be back again. I still have insecurities, but they get enlarged out of proportion when I start to really get depressed. <br />
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What I interpret as people being annoyed by my disgustingness is more realistically likely just people not understanding or knowing how to help. They don't even know where to begin to tackle it, even if they may feel bad for me. Which doesn't make it much easier, but right now I can at least see that it's maybe one less thing to hate myself so much about. Though, I'm sure I'll forget this perspective once I start slipping into the upset and despairing mindset again.<br />
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Thanks so much, La :)

You're right. Thank you for saying that. Although it's hard to make myself believe that it's okay to be like this with people, the more people who tell me it's okay, the more okay I can feel about it.<br />
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It's all so hard to understand. I don't really believe that it's wrong or bad to be depressed, myself. I feel like people who aren't in that place can't really understand. And that put limits on their patience.

I'm no expert but I think that we feel bad about feeling bad cos we think that its bad to feel bad. Who said it's bad? who said its wrong to feel depressed? Well I would like to be a fly on that persons wall for 24 hours because they are not the ambasador of mental wellness, the winner who crossed the mental health finish line to leave everyone choking on their dust. So if the finish line and the winners are an illusion then dont measure up against it, its ok to be you in your situation and stuff anyone who says it should be different or shows you the glossy brochure of life.<br />
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good luck

Thank you, it does mean a lot. I actually cried a little bit while reading what you said. Thank you thank you. I feel like there's a part of my brain that has died, or maybe was never there before that should know these things. I can feel touched and believe what you say, and when other people say things like this. But it unfortunately goes away after a little time. It's like I need a constant IV of support from outside because I can't support myself this way. I need an oxygen tank of love because I can't love myself on my own. Or something. And this is why it feels that I'm just too much for anyone to take. I either don't get the love because I hide my need for it, or it becomes too demanding for anyone to be able to keep up. I'm truly grateful for your encouragement though. You're such a help and a wonderful person. Thank you for a good feeling and I'll try to make it last as long as I can

It it means anything, I take you seriously and I don't want you gone. You are here for a reason, just like everyone is. And just because it may seem like you can do nothing right, it is not always true. I thought for so long the same thing, just to be told differently eventually, but by then it was too late, I just don't believe it. The thing with society's expectations is that there are parts left out. It's like mental illness, cutting, suicide etc, society just doesn't know what to think of it all. But once people start to understand a bit more, there will be no 'right' or 'wrong', so try not to beat yourself up about it because I believe in you, and you know what? You have done so much right just on this site. You are helping people that have almost given up, and that is truly inspiring, so don't you forget that ok? You are special and mean much more than you put yourself out to be. So what if things don't go right sometimes, bad things only happen so we can remember what good is supposed to look like. Life is never supposed to be easy, that's why we have to fight for it, it's when we give up the fight that we lose so much. The fight may get so hard sometimes, but that only means that we get stronger from it, even if you don't realize it. And another thing, something can always be done, you just to believe. You have so much life ahead of you to live, just remember, you are beautiful no matter what anyone says...