I Hope It Isn'T Just Me.

I can't explain it. I struggle to put this feeling into words but for the sake of my mental health I will try.

I opted to leave school before sitting my leaving cert exam last June and I know for a fact that that decision will haunt me forever.

I had a fear of school.
Waking up in the morning and getting dressed was so easy and normal, but then came the part where I had to travel to school and I started to feel sick.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't have a conversation.
All I could do was sit in my kitchen and wait for the clock to strike 8:45.

Going to the car I felt like a deadman walking.
Every footstep was pounding in my ears. The rattle of books and pens in my bag was sending chills down my spine.
I'd sit into the car and begin to shake. Feeling more and more like I was going to vomit the closer I got to the school gates.

When I finally arrive the feeling of impending doom never fades.
It lurks in the background for the entire day.
Even subjects I'm good at are disrupted by this unexplainable fear. Even lunchtime is a difficult task.

Surrounded by supportive friends I feel horribly guilty. There are girls my age that are risking their lives to have the same opportunity that I have.
There are children all over Ireland and the world that genuinely fear for their safety every time they walk into school.

Yet here I am. Afraid of something that I can't even identify.
School made me so happy. School made me so scared.
The two fought and scared came out on top.

It became impossible for me to attend school. I tried desperately but I couldn't make my legs move in that direction anymore.
The fear was like the spawn of every negative emotion that I had ever stored in my body was beginning to travel.
Into my limbs and tangling around my lungs and ribs.
Both paralysing and crushing every time I so much as thought about school.

It hurts me so much that I couldn't find a way.
I have let my family and I down.
All I ever wanted to do was learn.
All I ever wanted to be was a nurse.

I sit here and look longingly at my school bag.
Day in. Day out.

I don't think I'll ever understand why this happened to me.
I fear the fear.
I will never forgive myself for leaving school.
aprilisainmdom aprilisainmdom
22-25, F
1 Response Nov 16, 2013

Stop beating yourself up, take your own life in your hands and do it. It sounds like you have an anxiety disorder, find help and deal with it. Become the master of your own destiny... if you can do this, you will look back on all you have overcome and stand proudly in your nurse's uniform. And I PROMISE you, a smile will cross your lips.

Thanks man. I appreciate it.
Just wish I couldn't understand why I feel like this.
But hey! Maybe some day it'll all work out.

Some day? Why not today? You are so young, don't let life happen to you... build the life you want. I am sorry, I don't mean to be pushy... but I was in your shoes at one time and the sooner you learn life has to be DEVOURED, the better off you will be. I wish you all the best.

Could*