I Want To Go To Sleep And Not Wake UpThere comes a point in the lives of some people where the pain, the suffering, the confusion, or the weight of burdens become greater than the ability or the strength to cope. There comes a time when in the lives of some people that certain realizations about themselves press in such intensity that the very act of breathing becomes unbearable.
I have reached both of those points and I am simply tired now, and realize that this has been a very long life indeed. There are so many things that I have come to understand and accept but that there is no way for me to change, alter, or modify at this point in my life. These things have led me to think that perhaps there are men like me who reach a point in time where they should die and be removed from society, because they no longer fit in.
So many of the points of myself which I have all my life considered very good qualities, I have learned are simply stumbling blocks in my own path, and become stumbling blocks in the paths of others. At one time, these qualities were considered strengths; they were considered admirable; now they are considered elements of phobias; old-fashioned- no longer to be tolerated; chauvinistic; archaic. In short, there is no room for men like me in the 21st century. There is no peace of mind for a 19th century man; there is no place to rest for such a person. There is no companionship, little acceptance, and no understanding.
So many of my values and moral and ethical codes were shaped when I was a young boy by my great uncles, who were 19th century men...all born in the height of the Victorian Era and they were in their 80s when I knew them. They took their hats off when in a building. They wore a tie to dinner with a lady. They did not have sex before marriage. They went to church and believed in it. They did not swear in the presence of their wives and children. They stayed married. They worked out differences of accepted those things they couldn't change and focused on the good things.
But I've reached the point now, that some people do, that I have accepted that I have outlived the era I was raised to represent and there is no room anymore for people like me. What do I do with that?