I Want To Go To Sleep And Not Wake Up

     There comes a point in the lives of some people where the pain, the suffering, the confusion, or the weight of burdens become greater than the ability or the strength to cope. There comes a time when in the lives of some people that certain realizations about themselves press in such intensity that the very act of breathing becomes unbearable.
     I have reached both of those points and I am simply tired now, and realize that this has been a very long life indeed. There are so many things that I have come to understand and accept but that there is no way for me to change, alter, or modify at this point in my life. These things have led me to think that perhaps there are men like me who reach a point in time where they should die and be removed from society, because they no longer fit in.
     So many of the points of myself which I have all my life considered very good qualities, I have learned are simply stumbling blocks in my own path, and become stumbling blocks in the paths of others. At one time, these qualities were considered strengths; they were considered admirable; now they are considered elements of phobias; old-fashioned- no longer to be tolerated; chauvinistic; archaic. In short, there is no room for men like me in the 21st century. There is no peace of mind for a 19th century man; there is no place to rest for such a person. There is no companionship, little acceptance, and no understanding.
    So many of my values and moral and ethical codes were shaped when I was a young boy by my great uncles, who were 19th century men...all born in the height of the Victorian Era and they were in their 80s when I knew them.  They took their hats off when in a building. They wore a tie to dinner with a lady. They did not have sex before marriage. They went to church and believed in it. They did not swear in the presence of their wives and children.  They stayed married. They worked out differences of accepted those things they couldn't change and focused on the good things.
    But I've reached the point now, that some people do, that I have accepted that I have outlived the era I was raised to represent and there is no room anymore for people like me.  What do I do with that?
northguy northguy
46-50, M
4 Responses Aug 21, 2011

I feel the same ... I'm 31 and I have 10 more years I "have" to be here for my son I've been through so much. I'm simply tired. I've watched people die and I had to clean my own father's blood off the walls and floor and ceiling when he was shot through his front door. I've had my child kidnapped and gone for about 4 years before any help. I've lost babies . My son's father died .. not that he cared for our son anyway but my son thinks he loved him bc that's what I told him. I'm supposed to marry a man that I love so much I believed he was my soul mate and I'm pregnant and he says we can't afford it ... so I'm supposed to abort our child my baby .. my innocent baby .. I want my baby buy just listen to me. I'm a sad soul I could and have been told I need to write a book but nobody would believe it all my life has been a crazy one beyond my control. I feel so worthless and the man I'm engaged to even snuck around lying with his ex trying to use her for money and made it like she wouldn't leave him alone .. I'm in a bad situation I don't know what to do ... sir please don't give up just yet maybe we could talk and help each other sir .... Lord knows I need an intelligent friend that also understands what we are going through we as in like you and I ... if you would like to be that friend it would be good for the both of us I've saved life's I've took care of the homeless best I can and I've had a few homeless people take care of me in my lifetime ppl always make fun of me by how caring I am of the homeless or just people in general .. I need a friend that is smart that understands .. I'm surrounded by alot of ignorant people and it's not their fault they are they just don't know any better ... I love you though I don't know you I'm a activist and I love ppl I treat Ppl how I'd want to be treated and alot of times well you know people are selfish .. let me know if we may could help each other through this I can tell you're a intelligent man I'm here for you .. ♡ Athena (K)

I see nothing wrong with the kind of person you described, you sound like a decent human being. Some of those traits are ones I look for in a guy, like no sex before marriage, no cursing in front of children, and changing what you can and excepting what you can't. Things like not cursing in front of a women, while not something I look for, is still something I find flattering. There's nothing wrong with being respectful. I will be in my 20's soon, I hope to one day find someone my own age with these traits. You should be proud to be you.

that's the kind of man I want. I thought I had found him but now after we're married he changed. he has pulled away from me and would rather give up on us then fixing us. I was raised to be the best wife a man could want. cook, clean, always look nice and be available. I only wanted to be married to one man for all my life and the word divorce never be said. Now he takes me for granted, started talking to another woman "emo. afire", and told me I was to easy. We both just turned 30 and we grew up in two totally different places. I'm from the south (country) and he from the north (city). His parents didn't stay together and didn't try to work things out where mine did everything they could and still lived with each other after divorcing. so please don't give up because there are still women out there looking for men like you. Just sucks we have to be broking down by little boys first.

you need to get rid of the wife who dosn't care and fine a woman who does

I don't think that it's she doesn't care...she just can't comprehend.