Alright, Since No One's Talking...

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately, and I've realized that I am absolutely, without a doubt, completely and totally addicted to "firsts." The first time you find out for sure that someone's into you, meeting someone the first time, the first time you kiss them. I am hopelessly hooked on those moments where you're completely floored by the sight and the smell and the taste of someone else.

Unfortunately, being married doesn't allow most people to ever experience that again. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I'd never want to hurt him. However, the fact remains that I need those firsts like I need air and water - and to live the rest of my life without them would be the most tragic thing I could imagine.
deleted deleted
26-30
58 Responses Oct 16, 2006

I so agree with you. Let's u n me have several firsts then.

This completely rings true in my ears as well.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years now and got with him when I was 18. My partner is older then me 15years older which was never an issue. We have two children together, good jobs, house, car etc and are generally happy. For the first few years of our relationship the sex we had was great (I have always had a high sex drive while my partners sex drive is low) but as the years have gone on we rarely have sex at all. 3 years ago we went through a rough patch and we didn't speak to each other for weeks and although we remained living in the same house I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and started seeing an old friend of mine from my college days. The sex was amazing and sexually we were very compatible. I think I started seeing him to get some anger out and generally have great sex. However in terms of personality he definatly wasn't my type. Anyway my partner told me he couldn't live without me and we should give it another try and to think of the kids and he was right. I broke it off with the other guy and decieded to give the relationship another go. Things have improved so much since then and the main thing I've realised is that I love my partner and have a great life with him. He is my best friend and always has been and I want to stay with him forever. However I am so fustrated by the whole sex thing. We have sex once or twice a month at the most. I'm the kind of person who needs it 4/5 times a week. I will not leave my partner but can't forse him into having sex with me. I am still talking to the guy I was seeing when myself and my partner split and miss the sex and wanting and excitment that came with it so much. I really want to start an affair so I can be fulfilled in very aspect of my relationship with my partner and have great sex with the other guy aswell. I feel guilty even thinking about it but at the same time I'm thinking life is short why not enjoy the best of both.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years now and got with him when I was 18. My partner is older then me 15years older which was never an issue. We have two children together, good jobs, house, car etc and are generally happy. For the first few years of our relationship the sex we had was great (I have always had a high sex drive while my partners sex drive is low) but as the years have gone on we rarely have sex at all. 3 years ago we went through a rough patch and we didn't speak to each other for weeks and although we remained living in the same house I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and started seeing an old friend of mine from my college days. The sex was amazing and sexually we were very compatible. I think I started seeing him to get some anger out and generally have great sex. However in terms of personality he definatly wasn't my type. Anyway my partner told me he couldn't live without me and we should give it another try and to think of the kids and he was right. I broke it off with the other guy and decieded to give the relationship another go. Things have improved so much since then and the main thing I've realised is that I love my partner and have a great life with him. He is my best friend and always has been and I want to stay with him forever. However I am so fustrated by the whole sex thing. We have sex once or twice a month at the most. I'm the kind of person who needs it 4/5 times a week. I will not leave my partner but can't forse him into having sex with me. I am still talking to the guy I was seeing when myself and my partner split and miss the sex and wanting and excitment that came with it so much. I really want to start an affair so I can be fulfilled in very aspect of my relationship with my partner and have great sex with the other guy aswell. I feel guilty even thinking about it but at the same time I'm thinking life is short why not enjoy the best of both.

......

Often thought about the same thing... to see if that first time you kiss someone, first feel the intense attraction, first time you wonder if you should or shouldn't. All those things.<br />
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Exciting! Depends on who you are, though. Can you get away with it? Live with it? What if someone finds out? It can happen. But these are all obvious questions. I certainly can understand the urge to relive those firsts.

I miss the sexual firsts as well, but certainly not enough to risk losing my last and best; it's simply not worth it:)

How about it. People who are in long term commitment need a little excitement every once in a while. Actually it makes me appreciate my spouse for what we have. do I do this to hurt her? Absolutely not!

years ago - when I asked my 3-yr-old why he was alive (he was full of answers at that age) -he replied: "to meet new people and learn new things." - sent a shiver up my spine. - That's what this thread is all about - making a new human contact is being alive. When we avoid those relationships for the sake of monogamy we slip into death. Live every day you can. We'll all be dead soon enough.

Wow, you've described my life!

I still don't understand why these Nattering Nabobs of Negativity are even looking in a forum called "I Want To Have An Affair." Butt out!

Well now I know too what it is I crave he he he it's the first bloody hell took me long enough to click..<br />
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Yup I'm also addicted to it. That and the fact with someone new you cannot predict the next reaction you can't read them and therefore the thrill the absolute thrill in the discovery... When you've been with the same person for sooooooo long, you know exactly what buttons to press when, it becomes a boring and predictable. Oh but with a first you just enjoy every moment and you don't even think about the next moment.

I completely agree with this.<br />
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Even reading this, makes me think back to alot of "firsts". They get my heart racing thats for sure... maybe even more so thinking back about them than when they first happened. It is, without a doubt... a great feeling to think back on but when i'm still in that relationship... and miss those moments... thats when you need to think back and be grateful for them!

It's natural to feel that way. In fact, there is a song that B.B. King wrote called, "The thrill is gone" I understand exactly how you feel.

so tell us all the things you haven't done before...

I didn't read many of the coments left for you, but having an affair is the worst thing you could do to a man. I you want firsts, go sky diving with him, go scuba diving with him. Make him the firsts for everything. do all the firsts with him! I you have children in the family, ask yourself is the firsts feeling enough to make your kids suffer if he finds out. Find another way woman, don't kill a man, and damage your children because you miss a feeling!

I can relate to first time things.<br />
First time with someone new is awesome.

I feel the same way... It has been two years with my current boyfriend. This has been my longest relationship so far and, to tell you the truth, I don't know how much more of it I can stand. It has gotten too mundane. Aside from the fact that we don't really hang out together ever, and we barely ever have any sex anymore, nothing new has happened either and I don't think there is anything new to happen. Unless, maybe we get married and find our own apartment (we're both living with my mom). I'm not looking forward too it too much anymore though. I miss those "firsts" too.

I feel the same way... It has been two years with my current boyfriend. This has been my longest relationship so far and, to tell you the truth, I don't know how much more of it I can stand. It has gotten too mundane. Aside from the fact that we don't really hang out together ever, and we barely ever have any sex anymore, nothing new has happened either and I don't think there is anything new to happen. Unless, maybe we get married and find our own apartment (we're both living with my mom). I'm not looking forward too it too much anymore though. I miss those "firsts" too.

Why did you get married?

I've tried to have my DW read the book "Kosher Adultery" with me. Bring the excitement of an affair to a marriage. So often we talk about our marriage partner (that doesnt even sound sexy) that we forget that the husband is a man first...and that the wife is a woman. The stories in the book are phenomenal.....I know I wish I could try at least a couple at home...<br />
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B

I like the chase :) I like the whole act of flirting and getting their attention and the first kiss etc. The beginning is always the most fun. It's not everything in life. In fact a stable relationship is waaay better in the long term. But I do admit that "firsts" can be intoxicating and addictive :)

if you like these "firsts" then maybe you should get on a swingers site

I know what you mean...... I haven't had a first in 13 years. I want so much to have an other one

i think u will be better off as a who*e , so u will have a brand new experience every night & besides that u will be making good money <br />
wanna try that ?<br />
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best of luck

I could have written this, but I'm sure it wouldn't have come out so well. I am exacltly the same as you.....there is NOTHING like the thrill of a brand new relationship. I don't care what anyone says you cannot "re-create" that feeling with your spouse - how could you?!?! Just like everything else, you can't have a "first" more than once. Yes, you can spice up your sex life and bring back the old spark, but you can't get back that absolutely wonderful first..............

serial lovers.. I was that for years. Only felt alive when it was very intense and went through a number of relationships with women... Now I seek it. Again.

I completely get what you are saying firsts are so exciting, but for me it is the second time that is most fulfilling!

What you have summed up so beautifully is the main reason why I don't think I can ever get married. I'm 23 male that teaches in an upscale market here in the midwest and absolutely love meeting women who just want the sexual closeness and the teasing without the committments. I know its wrong to tease and have these hot meetings with women but I don't know if they are married or not and I think that sometimes makes it even sexier

flirtswithdisaster you are a riot!

"We shall not want." is more correctly interpreted as "You shall have no lack." Being independent is not a handicap! Being co-dependent is a crutch! Marrying is for those who enjoy the mundane!

She's not lying, she is putting the truth out there for the world to see. And if you truly believe in God then you should know he knows what she's written here. <br />
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Also, just because you make a commitment doesn't mean things can't change. We used to hate England, now we are friends. We used to not be able to say "*****" on television, now we can.<br />
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GH was committed to a man who she believed would take care of her in EVERY way a husband is supposed to. Maybe you are the perfect man, but her husband is not. He is the one who broke the vows long before she considered it, so again, get your facts straight before you open your judgmental mouth.<br />
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And please stop stalking GH. You obviously have nothing but disdain and hate for her, so do what Jesus would do, and learn to love.<br />
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If you can't love your fellow human beings, then have some self-respect and leave them alone. Go hang out with your own kind.

I wonder why tba keeps following you around, GH? Oh, I know... because tba stands for To Be an *******.<br />
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Man, some people really need to get a life and stop judging others. He who is without sin.....

Looking for that random one time? Look no further.<br />
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As this is my job, I say, hey... Do what you want to do.<br />
Just make sure you find a clean partner with papers, <br />
get your rock on, your rocks off, and have a good time.

you should be faithful to your husband if you love him. <br />
you could explain to him your need for firsts and then go do things together, go play strangers at the bar, sky dive , get a new sex position, i mean u cant say theres nothing more to what u have till you have done everything with what you have , Im sure there r still a few firsts out there for you

I think that one needs to look at the real issue here. Which I think you were getting at when talking about your craving for firsts as an addiction. If one thinks about what addiction does to people I think you might be able to find your answer. Yes we all like firsts, we like that feeling, its fun,its exciting. But like a drug continuing to find these firsts can lead you down a destructive road. If you can channel this into something more productive that would be one answer. Otherwise look at this issue as an addiction and all the destruction addiction causes. I think if you talk with your parnter about this issue and together go to marriage therapy you could work this together.<br />
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Good Luck...........

you have put my thoughts all together in a nut shell. couldnt quite understand y i had the urg to cheat all the time and you have answered it for me............IT IS THE FIRSTS...AND THE BUTTERFLYS im addicticted to them.

"There is nothing in the world like a first kiss, unless you have been lusting for someone for 6 years and they finally give themselves to you completely."<br />
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How about 13+ years and then finally getting that first kiss. And the wonderful, special, warmth that comes with it. As I said before - it is an affair. An affair of the heart. The rest of the "affair" MAY come to be...maybe not.<br />
I'm glad I did. <br />
FYI - This is a group for those pondering and/or wanting an affair. As others have said, if it is not for you, and I make no judgements on you, but please go join the "I would NEVER have an affair" group.

I'm twisted and torn. I can say 100% without a doubt that this has put an ache in my chest, but it's your life and your will and your will be done. My sense and perception of love, real true love between a couple is probably a very high intensity. Is your body's desires worth more than your husband? If so, then it can be said you do not love him truly if you are considering cheating and you say that you must cheat because your "first's" are like air and water. Does that put it into perspective? You don't really love him and I'm sorry.

I get it, it's that wonderful moment of feeling alive. I don't know if the guilt is really worth it, though. Also, as a parent, I'm not sure that is the role model I want to be. <br />
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It's really a tough question - good luck with your decisions.

Boy, alot of self righteous commenters here. What's with all the preaching? I'm all for those "first" moments; the anxiety; the butterflies; the sweats; the rapid heartbeat; the shaking of the knees; the shortness of breath. It's all very exciting; can anyone deny that? Don't answer if you only want to spoil the fun.

It's been a while since this was posted -- I'm curious: how did it turn out? My contribution to this thread: I've heard from a psychotherapist that there are people that are truly addicted to the "newness" of relationships. (The implication is that they do better at the beginning of the relationship than they do when the "newness" wears off.) I don't know how it's "supposed" to work. That was my own experience: it was much better at the beginning, and things started to fall apart afterward. I did the fall-in-love, have-a-child, ok-I-can-see-myself-married-to-her (even though I'll never get married), marry-her, do-the-best-I-can, wait-until-the-child-is-old-enough, wait-until-she-decides-she's-had-enough-and-wants-a-divorce -- kind of thing. I wouldn't really recommend it, don't plan on doing it again. Swinging might be an option that works for you; didn't explore that one. As for me, marriage will probably never be on the table again. There are just too many things that can go wrong, and I've come to believe that it's a recipe for disaster for two mortals to make a lifetime pact in the eyes of God and on the books of law. Maybe it was just my experience, but there was an awful lot of "settling" in our settling down. In the end, it seemed we were both complacent and settling for each other in a life without passion. Again, my own experience. Hope yours has gone better. : )

It's called SWINGING. There are swingers and "swing clubs" where it's always about that first moment...<br />
Don't cheat. Talk to your husband. Sex isn't obligatory, you can always "make out" or the like. <br />
DON'T CHEAT. There are lots of options for someone who loves (and is committed to) someone but wants the new stuff as well.

The only advice anyone should give you here, and the only advice you should take is: be careful.

A human can be sentenced to life by a judge or a Priest. Both are forms of imprisonment. Both are stifling. It is human nature to resist confinement. Weight your desires and responsibilities, and decide. It is not so important that the advice someone gives you is to your liking. What does matter is that the person who is giving you advice is to your liking.

Hey Faern. if i wanted to hear someone preach i can go to church and listen to a priest. get over yourself and, why are you commenting in a forum named "I WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR" if you don't actually WANT to have an affair. go comment on a forum named "I DON'T want to have an affair" or something like that. this forum is for people who are WANTING affairs NOT for people against them.

I agree with the "first" theory. As much as you love your partner, you'll never again see that first glimmer in her eyes that tells you she spotted you across a room, that first smell of her hair as she gets a little too close to be a friend, the first taste of her lips, the first caress of her hips...<br />
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God, turns me on thinking about it. That the experience can only be enjoyed once in a lifetime seems ludicrous to me. I would never fall in love with someone other than my girlfriend...but we're all lying if we said we aren't attracted to people outside of our relationship.<br />
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You can be damn sure that if Scarlet Johannsen knocked on my door tomorrow, she'd be in my bed shortly thereafter.<br />
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Obviously, I don't have a chance with her, but there are lots of hot women out there. I don't seek them out, but if one came this way, I'm not so sure I'd walk away.<br />
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This is the EXPERIENCE project, right? I enjoy this experience VERY much...

What's with all the negative comments?<br />
Anyway I know what you mean firsts are so hot!

Ya know.. after reading all these.. I have to admit.. I agree with Faern, and the first divorce.. I mean, everyone deserves another chance as far as I am concerned. You are never the same person twice, the person you are today, will not be the person you are tomorrow. As for talking to us about it, great, it's nice to have input from others. Just remember.. would you want him doing the same.. that's the problem with most of today's society, I saw someone say "unless you are incredibly unselfish and focussed on others." wow.. what a concept.. being unselfish and putting others first.. ya know, the world would be a better place if that ever happened.. too bad we all want to be.. "independent" even worse, all those who "want" "independence".. remember, "we shall not want" or "be careful what you wish for.. you MIGHT just get it". Everyone wants to feel that first connection. unfortunately, there is no "we" in Independent. Sorry if this didn't make any sense.. I to am just as guilty of missing those sensations, but I don't let them rule me anymore. I have come to agree with the endless amounts of first between the one you truly love. If you really love this man, you will talk to him about this. Be open, honest.. and listen... some times just listening is an amazing tool.. Anyway, as I said, sorry to ramble.<br />
Take care, good luck

All of the posts that are deriding you are just self-serving or self-righteous. They sound like they are trying to convince themselves instead of you.<br />
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You are experiencing what is built into our psychology and biology the same way the desire for food, water, and approval is built in. You are just being honest by acknowledging it. Anyone who says otherwise isn't being honest. <br />
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But saying you want another first time doesn't mean you have to act on it. You say you love your husband, and you know how horrible you would feel and how hurt he would be if he found out. That's the reason you/we talk here about this, but don't act on it.

Unless you have done everything with you husband (doubtful) then you have a endless amount of FIRSTS ahead of you. Should you be soley interested in breaking your wedding vows as a first, cheating as a first ad fin. Then you have pretty much made up your mind . Now do the right thing and tell your husband you want your first Divorce?

Why stay if your not happy? I was told something by a good friend and it will stick with me; You either learn to live with it, or leave. It says it all. I left 2 different men in my life. One I was married too, the other I had 2 kids with. I have finally met a man who, after 6 years, gives me the "first" feeling with just one look, kiss, or touch. You can have this too, but you wont find it when you are involved with someone else, married or not.

I know exactly what you mean. Not just sexual firsts but first time you drive after passing your test or first time you try skiing down a slope. The feeling of adrenaline and achievement/conquest combined. Those moments make you feel alive. And when you don't get them for ages you feel bored and miserable like me at the moment. It is true, what Faern says - our lives are not just about us. But it sure feels that way - unless you are incredibly unselfish and focussed on others.

Why does your life and marriage have to be all about YOU? You took vows. Furthermore, if you live like there's not a God you had better be right! If I were you I'd take a look at the 7 deadly sins in the Bible. Don't think it will happen? Hide and watch. Try and see where your karma takes you.

I hate that, when your in an amazing relationship but all you can think about is the beginning. I had that. The first still give me butterflies<br />
xxx

It seems like your more into someone wanting to be into you, than the initial encounter......if they want to get w/you, you must be a great individual...............but their just after the monkey....any way they can get it. There not into you, if you know what I mean.

i have affairs to feel alive!