Why?

Why do I feel like I must have an affair?  I know all of the typical reasons.. Unloved, unwanted at home.  But why do I have this strong need to want to have an affair?

Bamaguy Bamaguy
36-40, M
22 Responses Jun 19, 2007

Here's one for You, In my recent past i felt the same way You've described, after a long time of not "gettin it," I talked with my wife and let her know that i was fine with staying in the marriage, however, i needed some action to feel complete. I asked Her if She no-longer wanted that part of Our Marriage? She didn't reply or even show any emotion, so i said to her, I take that as a, no. feeling rejected at the time, i told Her that i was going out for a while, i turned off my cell-phone and rode my motorcycle to a very good friend's house to get some perspective on the situation, without my friend knowing what was up, then She asked me why i was looking at her in a way that she hadn't seen from me before? I told her i was hungry, but didn't know for sure what i was hungry for, She dismissed it and i couldn't help but watch her walk and move as she was busy around her home doing things, so i engaged her in some trivial conversation, then one topic went to another, then sex came into the conversation, i was near the point of not being able to contain myself, but because i didn't want to ruin a very great friendship, i made no advances, although inside i wanted to pick her up, haul her to bed and have my way with her time and time again, in reality i just couldn't betray my wife like that without her knowing what was going on, so i told my friend that i had to go, had some errands to run, she gave me a hug, the kind that says, "just take me to bed and lose me forever," but i had to resist to be fair to my Wife. I went to the park to clear my head an try to drown the scent that my friend had on that was driving me insane, sexually, after some fresh air, and time alone, i got to thinking of the kids, how would they feel if they learned the truth about a possible arrangement among consenting adults? i didn't have an answer for that one, but i did go back home and level with my Wife on how i was truelly feeling concerning our marriage, and yes of-course this conversation was away from the kids. well, as it turns out i told her that if She didn't want the Sexual aspect of our marriage anymore that would be okay, but still, i wouldn't turn her down if She changed her mind, however, i needed contact with a Woman, between the sheets, and that i had found a candidate, and that i was willing to take on another home and figure out an income that would cover that home's expenses, My Wife apparently got the point that i wasn't toying with Her anymore, and that i had put some great thought into the idea of having to support two homes at one time, and all of the things that go with having that kind of situation in place. I had watched the show " Big Love," on t.v., and had been extremely curious on how one man could satisfy more than one Wife, and my Wife Knew this about me, cause after the show we talked in great detail about the situations encountered as the show depicted. still, my curiosity raged, and took me to probable situations in my mind that sometimes baffled me, and yes my imagination carried me away quickly... After a LONG and Silent Pause, My Wife Spoke, At first, She was in Denial, then acceptance of the situation had taken over, again, a LONG and SILENT pause, She asked me, when i left the house, where did I go? I told her the truth and that nothing happened because i didn't want to have to come home and see her with a broken heart, and i didn't want a reason for betrayal towards her to exist in reality, i feel that marriage, and the bounds there-in, are set by the two whom are married to each other and therefore, any decision should be made between the parties involved, so to be true to her, i didn't do anything that would've crossed that line, yet i needed Her permission to cross certain boundries. that conversation went into exploring what i had planned to do IF She were to grant my proposal, i made many calls that day, informing and asking questions, and really being true to me and all concerned with what i was thinking about. after all details were laid out to my wife, First., She was quiet, apparently i took her by surprise, this time she had some ex<x>pression on her face, She asked me another question, Do You not Love Me Anymore? i told her that if i didn't Love her i wouldn't be asking her permission, and for two i wouldn't have said anything and for three, i would've done what i wanted when i had the opportunity to get what i needed. I told her that i didn't do anything that would threaten our marriage because i wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of stepping out, without first telling her what and how i was feeling, i went on to let her know that yes i had several chances, at a go with a few of my lady friends, but i didn't want to feelings to become mis-placed, either. again a long pause had taken place, then it hit her, the proposal, and all the details came to light, and she spoke, " If you want me then take me, I want you between my legs anytime you feel the urge, or just want to do it, for no reason at all, I feel that if i grant you what it is that you want, i'll lose you., so if you must bury yourself in someone, bury yourself in Me, afterall that's why we are married, You don't need a reason to take advantage of me, just take me." after that day, we haven't had another situation arise like this, nor, have we been anymore distant, I told her the truth, and leveled with her about everything, and she Realized that she was just a heart-beat away from driving me away permanently, apparently that thought was more than she could stand, and our sexlife hasn't suffered,instead, she has even become more active and playful as a result. hope this idea helps you, just be true to all so that if your Wife or Husband Does grant you permission, You can do this without all the guilt, just be careful to know EXACTLY their position and TRUE feelings about this matter, IF You Doubt them, then You need to use caution, i would'nt want to hear that someone used my problem and then it ended their marriage because details were left un-aired between married couples. PLEASE Be HONEST with YOURSELF, AND YOUR MATE, HOLD NOTHING BACK, AND OPEN UP TO EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU ACT AND REGRET, TRUELY KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH YOUR MATE. I can't stress these points enough, no sence in ruining a good marriage because of mis-information, give your mate the whole story before you act on your own will, the goal is of-course no regrets, inhibitions, or guilt. Good-Luck. tbe.

Trust me, I know what you mean... Same thing here. <br />
On a positive note.... I won't have to worry much longer, my divorce should be final by early next year if she doesn't fight it.

unloved, unwanted.... for me it wasn't so much the lack of physical attention it was the constant rejection that goes with it. it's tough hearing "no" all the damn time.

things happen when comunacations break down.hugs would be nice flowers.a gift now and then.she has to feel needed.like every one else

It really doesn't matter anymore at this point .. my wife and I are separated and going for divorce.

Affairs ar not an ex<x>pression of love. They are just sexual stimulation. Real love is through true friendsahip and then wanting to spend the rest of your life with that one person. Think and please try to become true to yourself for your own good! ****** do the job without the emotional problems!

I strongly desired an affair and then, oops, it kinda just happened. It was really satisfying. Being touched again and stroked, that first kiss, the butterflies in my stomach... irreplaceable. It's over and I don't regret a thing. I didn't leave my husband and don't want to. In fact, we have a good, strong marriage. In fact, I hope he cheated too. I wish a woman could offer him a first kiss like that... nyum.

I strongly desired an affair and then, oops, it kinda just happened. It was really satisfying. Being touched again and stroked, that first kiss, the butterflies in my stomach... irreplaceable. It's over and I don't regret a thing. I didn't leave my husband and don't want to. In fact, we have a good, strong marriage. In fact, I hope he cheated too. I wish a woman could offer him a first kiss like that... nyum.

Can't argue with sunshinegirl. Sex is like an apetite, like eating. Sometimes husband and wife should have just animalistic lustful sex and not always "make love". It would help at least. I'm not really sure if you should cheat or not, but if you're really set on it, go for it I guess. <br />
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I agree, try to help your wife first, or perhaps explain your needs to her in an open communication? Lack of communication ruins alot of marriages, believe me. You need to be straight with each other and lay out your cards on the table for her to see as well as she so you can both come to a compromise.<br />
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Hope this helps. Good luck on whatever you endevour.

I agree with you there harsh40, My life does suck... But I can't even get her to have sex with me on a consistance bases, consistance with her is once every 3 or 4 months... Personally I wouldn't mind trying out group sex or swing. But I think I will have to wait until I'm single again before I can.

Bamaguy,<br />
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Your life sucks. Maybe the two of you should have group sex.

I have talked to her until I'm blue in the face. And even if the talk does some good, things go right back they way they have after a few days. Its like she doesn't care, that everything else is more important that I am. When we first got married, I thought the problem was mine, and tried everything possible to make her happy. But nothing worked. It finally hit me one day that, I can't make her happy, only she can do that.

how can she not expect you to have an affair if she doesn't give you everything you need. Your gonna find it somewhere else just to feel satisfaction. Have you talked to her? try to save the marraige before you stray

you know...sometimes, sex is just sex. How can we possibly go through life...our entire lives...just with the same sexual experience with the same person? Perhaps it ISN'T abnormal, or unusual for a person to want to feel and be felt by another person. It possibly has NOTHING to do with not loving your spouse. I love the touch of a stranger...but also love the touch of my husband...

I had my affair, and fell in love with the other woman and broke away from my unsatisfactory marriage. Looking back I can see all the things I should have done to try and fix that marriage, but to do all those hard things you need the energy, and I was drained dry. The affair gave me energy alright, but not the kind I could use to save the marriage. Still, I saved myself; first things first, right? When I remember those first meetings with my lover, after so long lonely, I could never regret it, the great impure human joy and self affirmation of it. But it has it's price.

You need to check out ep's I live in a sexless marriage!<br />
I understand your need to have an affair! After years of being left out in the cold sometimes you need to get warm! I know how you feel about all of your needs not getting met! An affair may not be the answer tho. It's something you should just into that for sure! Good luck with whatever you choose.

It definitely sounds like depression to me. Have you two tried counseling? Not to throw fuel on the fire but, a marriage involves two people but it sounds like she isn't upholding her end of the deal.<br />
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Years ago I found myself in a similar situation. My husband at the time would usually come home from work and collapse on the sofa and stay there until bedtime. He didn't participate with the family; he didn't help out around the house, and there was definitely NOTHING happening in the bedroom. He had to be prompted to show any kind of affection and it was tepid at best. For the longest time I thought it was me. I wanted to get counseling (something I never would have considered because I’m basically a very private person—in case you can’t tell by the pic) but he swore he was fine and that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.<br />
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His denial that there was even a problem and his utter passivity drove me insane. I wanted love and affection but I felt like a house drudge instead--I'd go to work, come home, clean house, fix dinner, take care of the kids and watch my husband veg-out on the couch. Shoot, we didn't even really fight! <br />
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I didn't cheat, but I knew when to say I’d had enough. After eight years we finally ended the relationship; after which he went to a counselor under his own steam and found out that he was clinically depressed and is now taking medication--don't ask me why he didn't do this when we were married--HE doesn't even know.<br />
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The bottom line is that you are human, a social animal. Your craving for love and attention is no different than any other person's, don't be ashamed of it. But, before you decide to cheat consider having your wife make an appointment with her doctor. She may not be “clinically” depressed but something is definitely going on. Just because she is content to simply ‘exist’ in the relationship doesn’t mean you should be. But you should still be able to look yourself in the mirror and your children in the eye.

That could be possible, Her Ex and her are very very close. But in 7 1/2 year of marriage, We've might have slept together maybe 2 years at the most if you add up all of the days together.. The rest of the time.. She sleeps either in the front or back den. The kids are out of school now,but will be back in school in early Aug. She isn't disabled. Depression maybe, but she denies it. In fact she denies that we have any marriage problems at all. I cook and clean house because its the only way it will ever get done. If I don't she won't touch it.

When I mean sleep together, I mean share the same bed... Yes, We still have sex together, but its very rare, about 3 or 4 times a year at most. And its not really an age thing we're both in our early 40's. I still want sex as much as I did (if not more) in my 20's.. But to me, its more than just the sex. Its about being loved, appresheated, wanted, etc... that is what is missing in my life, And I guess is why I want to have an affair to find all of those feeling that are missing.

You haven't slept with your wife in SEVEN YEARS?!?!?!? <br />
SHEESH!!! I go nuts if I don't get it once a week. You are WAY OVERDUE for something on the side - if nothing else you're a candidate for T.S.B.: Toxic ***** Buildup - and you're WRONG if you don't go for it!!!

Yes... that is how I feel to a degree... and more.. I just want to feel needed, wanted and feel like what I give means something. I work full time, come home and cook and clean house, at most my wife "watches" the kids which are ages 7, 10, and 14.. She too busy to care about about anything else.. We haven't slept together nearly our 7 year marriage... Yet she tells me she loves me.. and then does nothing about it.. Its not that I want to have an affair because of revenge.. I just want to feel like I mean something to someone..

Because you STRONGLY feel unloved, wanted, and lonely??