Interested, But Cautious

So, there is this guy that I work with . . . he is married too, also with two young kids, and he has told me on numerous occasions that divorce is not an option, which is him basically saying that an affair is not an option. 

And yet, the first email in the morning is from him, the last email at night is from him, and we talk on the phone all of the time.  I think about him all the time, and I know that he thinks about me too, because he tells me so.

We are very careful about being alone together and actually, when we ARE alone together, we are almost silent because the tension is so great.  When we do allow ourselves to relax a little, we stand too close and we stare at each other too much.  And, then we practically run away from each other.

The truth of the matter is that I really love my husband and we have a fine sex life -- perhaps not as frequent as I would prefer, but, he turns me on and it is good.  Having said that, there are some reasons that my head is being turned.

I am frustrated with my husband's lack of ambition and that I have to take care of everything financially related in our lives.  I feel like he lives in a "bubble" -- constantly planning vacations and home renovation projects, with no true understanding of how far our finances are stretched.  And, when I try to talk to him about it, he is too busy doing other things to listen.

But, even with that frustration, like I said, I love my husband and it would kill me if he knew that I had the kind of relationship I do with this fellow at work -- even without there being anything physical! 

And yet, I spend decent amounts of time trying to rationalize getting physical with this fellow at work -- maybe we could make it work, maybe it could just be something in addition to our families and not mean that we had to destroy our respective lives?  Maybe if we just kissed once, then, we would discover that we really are not attracted to each other and it would be over?

I find this whole thing torturous and there are days that I pray that I will do or say something to make this man hate me and not want to talk to me anymore, so that at least then I could be sad at losing that companionship, but, relieved from the tension and the invasive thoughts of wanting something more.

In some ways, I look at this situation and think, "Wow.  So THIS is what the Bible means by temptation.  I never knew how powerful it could be."  :-)

At the end of the day, I have chosen to just let the relationship continue down its course -- we will either get bored (but, it has been several months now), or it will progress.  I feel that there is no practical way for me to break it off, because the work we do requires us to be in close contact regardless.

My last point (really) is that I know both of us are expending enormous amounts of emotional energy on this relationship, and I guess that is the part that makes me feel like we are already doing something wrong.  So, why not just add in the sex too?  :-) 



simplesimple simplesimple
31-35, F
6 Responses Mar 21, 2009

I really do appreciate the comments that come in here. I am still in the "interested, but cautious" stage. The part about what I might lose is certainly sobering.<br />
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Also, during one of our talks this week, he referred to his "meticulous fidelity" to his wife. Part of me wants to call BS on him bc, if his wife had any idea how often he calls me, emails me, has lunch with me OR the types of things we talk about, I am positive she would have a problem with it. <br />
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I know that I would NEVER reveal any of that to my husband, bc he would absolutely view it as a betrayal. <br />
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Basically, I do not believe you can say you have meticulous fidelity when you have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that you cannot fully disclose to your spouse. Regardless of whether there is anything physical going on or not.<br />
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But, if that's where he needs to be now and/or tell himself, that is fine with me. And, it is fine with me because the dance is FUN and exciting and almost dangerous, but, not quite. <br />
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Who knows? Maybe he will be able to withstand the tension and stay faithful? Since I am on the fence anyway, that would be fine with me -- HE can be the strong one. :-)

the dance is definitely part of the thrill. have fun with it!

i think both of you are looking for some excitement and relief from dull lives at home, affairs can be invigrating,just dont be too happy around your spouse he mite catch on to your happiness and please be descrete,he is showing you that he is almost ready mite be waiting on your next move,plunging neck line was a signal i think ,did he take the bait

I took your comments to heart. No kissing yet -- sorry to disappoint! :-) <BR><BR>But, I have been a little more forthright and made the point of telling him as point blank as I can (without actually acknowledging anything, of course) that I am not interested in leaving my husband and looking to him as some kind of substitute. That is so not what I am looking for!<BR><BR>I think it is best to say that we are still engaged in the dance, and we will see where that goes. We had lunch on Friday together -- alone. He did not have a suit on -- the first time I had seen him in everyday clothes, and, wow -- he needs better suits, because he is a lot more fit than I had previously perceived! <BR><BR>Amazing how different it feels to hug him when all he had on was a polo shirt and not the suit jacket, starched shirt and undershirt! I had on a shirt with a plunging neckline, so, it was the closest we have been to skin-to-skin, and I almost swooned. But, then we ran away from each other. As per usual. :-) <BR><BR>Anyway, we shall see how things progress. Just an update.

i think your missing something at home so is he but affairs at work can get touchy,but if you set the ground rules before hand that no divorce and that being friends and ocasional lovers mite work ,yes kiss him see if he likes it or you like it then wait for his reaction ,yes he does want an affair just playing with his emptions for now but remember can you both handle some guilt i have had a couple of affairs but i didnt feel much guilt because she had several before me i forgave them and most of all be descrete dont hurt any one else

I say go for it. Kiss him already. Then let him reach for you down between your legs to let him know how much you want him. ;-) The only thing I would be wary about is that you guys work closely together. If things don't work out, that could be a problem.<br />
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"he has told me on numerous occasions that divorce is not an option, which is him basically saying that an affair is not an option. "<br />
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no, this doesn't mean an affair is not an option. it means an affair is totally an option. what he's saying is that he won't leave his wife for you. so as long as you're cool with that...