A Self Realization Hit Me...

I have been married for 10 years and have three young daughters, ages 9, 8 and 6.  My current husband and I have been together for 11 years and have known each other for 13 years.  I was married once before, for also 10 years.  While out with friends yesterday and their kids and ours, at a great amusement park, I realized I wasn't enjoying the day or anything about it really.  Sure, I was going through the motions, not in a pretensive way, more of a wanting to have fun but feeling to numb too way.  Then it hit me - the only time I have really felt free, alive and able to have fun was the first year and half of my relationship with my current husband.  During that time we had fun, we enjoyed one another's company, had meaningful conversations and thought provoking discussions until all hours.  We enjoyed spontaneous walks, weekend trips, planning our future together.  We had very, very little stress if any about anything.  Then, once we started our family, everything changed.  I don't mean in the cliche, overwritten about way, I mean something in me and our relationship died and I have been fighting to bring that part of me and our relationship back to life ever since.  I have tried to articulate this to my husband many, many times, in many different ways, but he doesn't really understand, although he truly tries to in his own way.  I am returning to my post-secondary studies this September after a four and half year break to complete my studies as an educator.  I am hoping that this will breath new life into what has been dead for so long.  I don't know if this is the answer or not.  I do know that I painfully long to feel alive, like I am really living, not just existing.  I want to feel again.  I have been numb for so long; emotionally, mentally and physically.  I want to experience fun, real fun.  I long for those days where my husband and I would get on his motorcycle and ride like the wind along the highway, through the mountains and feel the sun and wind on us, with no particular destination in mind, just out to enjoy life together without the burdens of daily life circumstances always weighing on us.  Over the last 10 years there have been 4 deaths of friends and family; family members fighting health battles, financial devastations, broken lives, etc.  And in all of that is us too.  I hold hope for the future, although I find I have grown quite cynical and disheartened.  I fight against self complacency - giving in to the numbness.  I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone who may read this, but if I am, feel free to share your thoughts and mutual experience.
Ianna Ianna
36-40, F
3 Responses Jul 19, 2010

I feel ya, but consider this, since you have good health and some self awareness could some of the apathy you describe originate in self absorbsion? Why not put who you are and what you have in play to enhance the life of someone else.?

I like your story and it make sense to me.<br />
I know what you mean, Its was just hard to explain how you really want to feel the sun shine on you.<br />
I know your craving to It.<br />
I suggest that you go outside and search what your looking for.<br />
there's more to life,<br />
you should explore, and will find your happiness.

I understand where you're coming from. Welcome to the real world. Did you really, really think that that feeling of happiness would last forever? If you did, like so many of us, it comes as a real downer to come to terms with the reality that it just does NOT LAST. What happens next is that you finally grow up, accept it, or get out there and change your life. I dont believe that two people are meant to be together for ever, life's far too short. The thought of staying with one person till death us do part fills me with horror. I just do not think that its possible to sustain that feeling, familiarity breeds contempt. You only live once , its not a rehearsal for the real thing. Good luck.