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Struggle

I want to be female so bad it hurts sometimes its always on my mind . The older i get the stronger the feelings get. I am not a freak i am just me stuck in the wrong body. I suppose its hard for people to understand but it dose happen i am fed up living a lie being who i am not its a cruel life at times but i have to get on with it and be greatfull for what i do have ... x jane.
jane1976 jane1976 31-35, T 41 Responses Nov 3, 2012

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in the wrong body? oh dear, w could swap bodies so that you'd finally be a woman ;)

I would love that :))

me too.

Hips. I want curvier hips.

every day hun,just wish i could of changed sex fully years ago but sadly its illegal in our country,and society dosnt help either,but i know im transgender just havnt got the breasts yet,someday eh.but im happy with my lot.

Life isn't fair! Peer pressure has kept me trapped in the male form.

Hi Jane, like so many other, I understand how you feel. I too was born a male with a girl inside longing to get out. I went through a phase of being sad, resentful and confused about the whole thing. I felt like I needed to be a complete full time girl and was so frustrated that I could not. But happily I have come through the hard times and have come to just accept myself for who I am. Like you said, we have to learn to be grateful for what we do have and who we are. You know, since we weren't born natural girl, yet want to be girls, we can really look forward to, and enjoy, our limited girl time. For me being a girl part time makes it very special and exciting. I doubt if real girls enjoy wearing a dress nearly as much as we do. For them it is ordinary.... for us it is special. So enjoy and celebrate the girl time you do have.

This site is such a great outlet to share these feeling with others who understand. I have enjoyed so much getting to know so many other people on this site who are just like us, with a girl living inside of us.

Bethann, what a positive message on how to navigate life living with our inner girls. Not that it's easy, but appreciating what we have, rather than focusing onwhat we are missing (or think we are), makes life enjoyable and, hopefully, bearable.

I know what what you are saying and i love dressing up, when i get time on my own, but its on my mind 24/7 .... Apart frm ep project i have know one to explore my feelings or thoughts with, i have many freinds but none of them know the real me, :'(

Jane, I know what you mean about the friends. Me too. None of my real-life personal friends know about Bethann. But on this site I have made some very good friends who do know this part of me and do understand. We have some wonderful conversations and it has helped me so much. It is such a blessing to have such friends.

Kimmi, thanks for your comments, sweetie.

Jane, I am in the same position as Bethann and you. My wife knows but none of my real life friends do. Honestly, I think I would have some very lose real life friends if my EP friends lived near me. And not just because of their inner girls. I just have met on EP some of the nicest people around. Some are real women, some are guys who are married and dress, some are guys in whom the inner girl is very strong. I like all of them and hope in my small way I encourage and help. That's what I have found I enjoy the most here.

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your not alone luv, I feel the same way at times! XOXO

totally agree

Sweetheart I know how you feel and I have been able to come to terms with the lie in a sense. I am not as out and open as I would like to be but I feel that one day I will be able to. And if not then I also know that I am spiritual being that is having a human experience. Before coming into life i chose to experience being a guy as a female spirit and what it would be like to want to switch. I can say that I don't like the experience but it has been a good one to learn from. The Universe is much older than our lives and will be around for eternity. There is still plenty of time for me to be the woman that I am.

It's still so hard to deal with. Because there is no cure for the way I feel and it's hard to accept that, my only outlet is dressing up on the very odd occasion. I always ask myself why me???? Jane x

I understand, but maybe from a different viewpoint. I have a girl's body, with wide hips, narrow shoulders (see my profile pic), no facial hair, etc. etc., but I am male, because I have a penis. As I said in a reply to another post of yours, I was made that way, and I'm happy with it, and have never let doctors mess around with me, and have made a life where I am accepted for what I am. I dont think you need to think of yourself as living a lie. Just dont let it be a lie.

Thanks for your reply, but its hard when u just can't be yourself. I wish I could tell the world how I feel... But I know it would all backfire on me :(

Exactly the same way I feel

your story is so similar to mine reading you responses too. Anya x

I would love to chat with you about your exp, msg me if you want to talk :)

I would love to chat with you about your exp, msg me if you want to talk :)

You've read my story, so you already know what I think about it. Curse of the mind and body. But the more you get into it, the easier it gets. Love me some black tights, I tell ya.

I can totally relate to that.

My dear Jane, I and many of our Sisters are on the same boat I feel your pain girl society has a lot to answer for. Like you I to want to be a full and forfilled female looking in the mirror I see a sad crying girl looking back at me. never give up your dream Jane as dreams do come true

Even if you don't want to live full time as a women, you need to get some therapy. It was the best thing I EVER did. The therapist is there to help you find you, not talk you into or out of something. It nice to talk to someone that is there to listen and help YOU find you!

I know but but i cant bring myself to admit how i feel to anyone in person.

Just remember Jane that there are many like you. We will support and help. This is as gift not a curse. There are many TG admirers out there. I finally accepted my sissy self but I was in my 50's when I did. Wish I had been smart enough in my 20's to accept my femininity. However I am very happy now. I hope you will do the same!!!

Thanks kristin rite now i know i will never have the courage to go that far, as much as i would like to and thats the hardest part to accept :'(

i feel you one hundred percent im only 18 and my just doesn't feel right. please feel free to talk to me! that would help ease my pain!

Your passions are who you are. Sometimes our realities are also who we are. What's hard is that society makes us choose between who we are and it's realities. I've always said that if a person can just dress and express in the manner they feel most comfortable most of us would be very content being who we are, or at east have the freedom to improve who with are with out making drastic changes.

keep at it jane it will happen if you want it bad enough. i did it and if i cando it any one can.

You are beautiful! Not sure if you have found this yet. You Are Not Alone (google it) a TG support site with lots girls like us

Pm me plz

am new here so not sure if I am doing this correctly

Read my story "THE BRAMBLE" on my blog,in fact you could just browse around there I have many stories you might like.
http://shellesbutterflyproject.wordpress.com/
You should at least see a therapist about your problem,It will get worse as you get older it doesn't go away ever. It drives a large number of us to suicide don't become a statistic.

Thank you shellie x wish i had the courage to see a therapst but dont ... To many hurdles for me :( im scared of living like this but im also afraid of dying jane x

Only you and the therapist need know what it's about honey,I used to be in your position and after time I had the barrel of my gun in my mouth ready to end the pain.things that seemed impossible to me years ago are now just memories,and I'm finally happy. don't be scared find a therapist that deals with transgenders in your area you are important.All of you.

I know i should and i want to but i cant its like you say im stuck in this cage. But at the end of the day i dont have a bad life there are people a lot worse off than myself and thats what i have to keep telling myself x

As long as that works for honey,but I'm here to talk to always if you need someone.

Thanks shellie mail me plz

:( i know exactly what you mean :(

I cant bring myself to tell anyone even tho i would love to, i know i should get help.....but!

I think It would help you greatly,and no one can find out it's private to you and your therapist.
Don't just allow all this to slowly eat away at your sanity like I did most of my life.

I really , really want to but i cant bring myself to tell anyone iv got to much to lose and i dont want to be alone the rest of my life :'(

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yes it is a stronger the feelings be female all the time

I feel the same way, and I now live as a female full time. I am too old for the surgery though and will have to rely on hormones to transform myself

me too hun

hugs

There are a lot of us who feel exactly the same way you do,you're not a freak,not by a long shot
Jayne xxx

I belive that there is alot of people like me but most of us stay quiet for the same reason... Society dosnt understand us x

And you have just hit the nail squarely on the head,you are so right,and I am pretty sure that all of us at some time has experienced prejudice in one form or another

Have you told anyone how you feel?

Life posses many obstacles and many more for a person living a transgender life. So many times you hear the dissenters condemning us with their ignorance. So much so we either crawl back into our shells or harm ourselves with drugs or by taking our own life. In us the desires are so strong to be someone that the world claims we are not. And it is never easy in trying to adjust to those predisposed expectations. This is the crux of being who we are. You and I both know who we are, but the world disagrees. What can we do to change this unfair perception? In the immediate very little, in the long run as much as those who have brought being gay into the lime light, landing on the moon possible, flying through the air, powering a light bulb, crossing uncharted seas. You see the world changes, and perceptions change, but not over night. Knowing that you and I are part of those changes, (if we live pridefully of who we are) helps us to deal with the little obstacles of life. We may not have everyone on our side, but each day we gain one or two more who will see and seek to understand more. Learn your patience and learn what it is you need to do to be you, accept what ever responsibilities you have and try to merge them in the best way that you can. We can't ever let those that say were are wrong about who and what we are, because they are the ones who are actually in the wrong. Have faith in yourself and the courage to be who you are. Be fair to others and forgive their trespasses as you would want them to forgive you.

I am not Jane but I want to sat thank you. You have managed to put into words my own feelings on a subject I myself am going through and trying to help others with. Please speak out lie this not just here but to the world as well. I am fortunate to live in a community that accepts people like us. Not because it is mostly tg, gay, or any other group like that but because the Navajo culture has believed in 2 spirit people for thousands of years, at least according to the teachings.

Thank you for this great comment,
Rose

Thank you so very much Jane! I've heard of the "2 spirit" concepts Through a woman that I used to date. I'm not sure that it is actually 2 spirits in me. Just the inability for society to see me as the person I am on the gender spectrum that I stand. Though I do feel like there is 2 of me. More because society as made this be the case. But the fact that a culture, and I believe others by side yours have a special place for those who do feel as we do. Thank you so much again for your wonderful compliments. They are very appreciated! Ah-sheh'heh

Even with a lot of support, it's still hard to transition into becoming a woman full time. I've had a lot of support, and it's still hard at times. I lived as a woman for 8 years before going back to living as a man (though I've never really considered myself a man).

Leaving the woman I was behind was a mistake and I'm now on a path to correct it. The changes you'll go through are not easy, though I've enjoyed my changes, but there are times, trust me, when it's hard and you have doubts.

I just had my voice changed and while I love it, there are times when I have my doubts. My double orchiectomy (castration) was big, but I could always hide that from people, but a voice change and breast growth, well, that's another story. I can't hide the voice I have now, so while I'm sure I want to be a woman in a year or so, there really is no going back. That can be a little scarey.

When my life ends, I'm not going to die a man, I'll be a woman. Hopefully an old woman but still, a woman. It's enough to give you pause to say the least. Hope the best for you.

What well expressed sentiments about the journey to womanhood and the fact that it can be scary and create real doubts, as much as one might want to be all woman.

When we make choices we often find ourselves faced with some kind of regret, buyers remorse perhaps. I think this is even more normal in people like us We aren't just making small changes to our lives, we are becoming who we are supposed to be, yet the rest of the world can't even imagine that for us becoming an other person is exactly who we are. Are they right, or are we? That is the question. Whether it is nobler to be what you are driven to be or to be what you are to an unjust world. Suffering these words an opinions or to sleep. I choose to live, to question, to try, to allow, to do.

Well said, Joanie, and very eloquently as well.

Thank you Marybeth!

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Jane,
if you have your own way of living, I think you shouldn't be ashamed and hide who you truly are. You may think I don't understand you as I'm not the way you are, but still - I always thought that I'm not to judge anyone. People shouldn't judge each other, at least not so easily just by looking at them.
I think, you should fight for who you are, I wish you good luck with that. I hope, one day you'll be happy, looking at yourself in the mirror, and living your life. 'cause everyone should be happy - and that's the law everyone have, no matter who they are, and how they live. That's just my opinion :)

Hello. We / you, are who & what we are. I am a tranny & I love being a tranny. Not a boy, not a girl, just a tranny. We are what we are in our minds, Jane. That is the most important thing. I am able to feel who that I want to be. I have done for the last over forty years. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to live my life as Shirley, full time day in & out. Not every tranny feels confident to do that. I made a conscious decission at age 24 to become Shirley, and from then that is who I have been. Following a serious flu virus infection just over ten years ago, I had to have a bit of surgery. It turned out that I had grown some female bits inside of me. I was aware that I had feminised (never taken pills) as I had grown my own breasts (only very modest) and all of my body & face hair had disappeared. Somewhere out there, our minds can & do bend us. Look at female athletes who look more like blokes than females. I was on hols staying in a farmhouse. The farmers wife looked totally male.
So Jane, don't give up & please don't do anything without full thought. The idea that all girls are girly & look like fashion models is mostly a myth. I bet when you are looking your best, you are a better looking Jane than any number of Janes in your town. Think Jane, be Jane & I am sure that you will be, I mean that you are. Whahey!

Thank you for your support and kind words shirley :) my biggest regret is not being born female in the first place. But i dont have a bad life as a man there are people alot worse of than me . I just have regrets x

So many of us here share your experience and feelings to one extent or another. Some seek therapy or outside support, others just bury those aspects of themselves they feel they cannot reveal openly. By all means, find something to clear the log jam, whether it's a therapist, friend, or a support group that meets to go out dressed, find something to ease your pain. Good luck and enjoy this gift.

I know you wrote this moths ago (about the time I joined) and I know your problem. I too lived feeling out of place, a freak as you put it and I thought no one could possibly understand. I grew more and more miserable, withdrawn and basically friendless until one day my female side broke free. I have changed so much in letting the real me out and I have become a very out going person now. I have real friends, both here on EP and in the real world. People are coming to me and complimenting me on my looks and new attitude. I have even started on HRT and feel so much better now that I have real breast that requires a bra. I am now the real me and enjoying every minute of it. I know there is a lot to fear and for good reason. I was afraid to tell anyone what I was but before they will let you start HRT you have to tell everyone. I chose a friend first, he is gay and I figured he would understand better than anyone, but I was to blunt with him and let me tell you I have never seen someone run so fast for a door in my life. It was hard to take and I struggled to tell anyone else. I finally decided to tell my mom and sister. My mom says she accepts me no mater what and she has helped me out quit a bit she is holding back. My also said she accepts me but now she wont let her children around me. I told my job and co-works and every one of them not only accepted me they have embraced me with open arms. My friend eventually returned and now we have a whole knew relationship. I am no longer the cute guy he crushes on I am just one of the girls. I have met and made friends with several of his gay friends and have started getting guys hitting on me. I am fully enjoying the attention I am getting from everyone and I know my sister will one day come around. If your 1976 is the year you were born you are only about 2 years older than me. My birthday is in a week and I was told people start much later as well. We are not freaks nor are we truly built wrong, we are just different by design and we have to find who we are. We are ourselves when we embrace it with all of our heart. Never forget that and let it help you.

Rose

Thank you for your time it makes me feel better to read that, i know im not the only person in the world to feel this way. But i am so depressed and to shy to talk about this to even a doctor, altho i want to....... Jane x

I did a lot of research before I chose who to talk to. Don't be fooled by those claiming to be an expert in TG, talk to others that have been where you are, find out about those that truly want to help use not just take our money.

I used a online service based in Australia that was pretty cheap. If it is in your budget you can be ready for SRS in 1-2 years. Me, I am on a 3-5 year plan and I really hope its 3.

Rose

I nearly forgot, fear is why so many people hold back, start fights and just do stupid thing. Please do not let fear rule you. Beat it back by learning what is making you afraid.

Rose