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My Own Stupidity

I've been with my husband for 22 years, married for 20.  Never--ever has he said "I love you" to me.  It's just not natural.  When I ask him if he loves me, he says you know I do.  Well guess what?  I don't.  Just say the words, I plead.  He shakes his head and walks away...........

My kids still tell me, thank god.  My parents used to say it all the time.  My father still does.  I didn't realize when I was young and stupid how much those three little words meant to me.

Now, I do. 

 Update 7/3/08

Today the only thing I can say about all this nonsense is "oh well, his loss".  It's a reasonable request, want, desire from your spouse.....it should have been easy...it wasn't........time to let it go and move forward..........

6/22/11

I've learned a lot since writing this oh-so-long-ago.  I've learned  what I love you sounds and feels like when there is no emotion behind it.  I've learned what it sounds and feels like when there is emotion behind it.  I've also learned that actions need to back up the words...and can even replace them at times.  I've learned how not to settle for less.....my husband and I are not together anymore, but remain friends.  I'm in a relationship with a man who loves me deeply and in the way I like to be loved...and he let's me love him back...remember, love and loving is not a  one size fits all emotion...

Do NOT ever settle...I don't care who you are...who you think you are....or who you think you're not....everyone deserves to be loved....

 

goddessone goddessone 41-45, F 197 Responses Feb 16, 2008

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Emotional, he may have felt it, but not only did he not say it, but neither did he show it. Not anymore. The point is moot as we have chosen to go forward with the divorce.<br />
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If you feel it for your husband, and don't say it, make sure you show him.

Did your husband say I love you when you first dated or soon after your marriage. I appreciate hearing those three little ... and I was lucky to hear them often from my second husband. Best wishes to you. Nan

Nope, never said it...and he won't have the chance.

that leaves more chance for us. LOL

That's right sweetheart, it does...LOL

mine tells me every day --they are just words that mean nothing.

I hear your pain....for me....i hear the words all of the time from my wife, and yet they have the same strength, the same weight, emotion, and the same passion as if she were asking for me to pass the peas. Ive always thought that people who say it as often as my wife does...belittles the very idea of those special words. And sure....its a shame your husband never used them at all....but what i have is a barrage of them with as much meaning as the seldom used ones you have. Add the kisses a get that are as cold as ice.....<br />
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and i might as well have married my old college dorm mate....at least he didnt have a shopping addiction to QVC.<br />
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I do wish you all the best....and hope that someday you find a man that can not just say those words you seek...but mean them. Feel them....own them

I hope that you find a woman who can do the same for you, Abyss.

Just my little quirky thought on this. I reckon the words do mean something and that there is love behind them. But just because someone loves you doesn't necessarily mean that they are loving you or in love with you - does that make sense?

makes sense to me, but it doesn't help, lol.

It makes absolute sense to me. Does that make me a quirky girl? LOL

"Deeds not words" love... the problem is, there's no actions to provide proof either.

DS and HWP, do we really need to answer IDM's question on whether she's ahem..a 'quirky girl'?

Lao, must you egg them on?

No, but ther'es no reason he can't have fun too...

Ah..DS...who was it who sang "More than words"? Appropriate don't you think? Who's egging people on - not me (LOL).

I'm leaving the quirky thing alone. I feel sorry for those poor fish in the barrel.

Ah HWP - always ringside seat for you - just watching and waiting (LOL).

Extreme, Lao. 1990. <br />
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The lead singer became an interim singer for Van Halen after Extreme went belly up.

You guys are too much...LOL

nah, we're all "just enough."

Ah yes - I thought you'd know. Thanks DS. Just enough of what?

That, my zen friend, is the million dollar question.

Now I feel like we're playing Jeopardy

Lao, I hate you right now. That song is stuck in my head....

He he he....poor DS...

ROFL - DS, it'll be there for awhile.

I find it interesting that neither one of us has any sympathy for DS...LOL

I sympathise - but it doesn't stop me laughing.

Nope, no sympathy here...and I'm still just laughing away!!

I wonder how long the tune will stay in his head? Then I can remind him again tomorrow - just casually hint at how funny it was and it'll all come flooding back (heh...heh...heh....)

You are pm'ing right now, aren't you? I mean really, what a lovely way to start his day....rofl

I think he's off somewhere else. He was last observed working overtime in charming the pants off KinkyFlower (LOL).

OMG...I know...LOL....he went to bed...that's why you need to pm him, this way when he logs onto ep in the morning, the song will be there waiting for him....LOL

Oh you are a cruel woman. I shall stroll off to do just this (LOL).

You wouldn't have me any other way....<br />
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Well, I believe we have effectively thrown this story off course!<br />
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Good job, mate! ; )

I'm not answering that line.....leaving it well alone (LOL)

i know how you feel. i find men have a tendency to not be as vocal as women are, and we find ourselves constantly asking them, what are you thinking, do you have an opinion... I myself have had to ask my boyfriend if he loves me at times. People are people, and they need reassurance sometimes. In your case someone who you've spent a life time with... but I cant help but wonder... why didnt u notice this blatant avoidance of the subject before?<br />
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I hope your situation changes for the best. At least you have family that loves you and aren't afraid to show you your worth. good luck :)

Rose, I noticed it before, but thought I could handle it. It's a non-issue now as we are going to be divorced.

married for 20 years and living together, are u unable to know his actions which could have shown that he loves are not.If the words only says that loving you to please u and in reality if not what is ur reaction.now dont try to explore that he still loves u r not -- u can get all that from ur kids & you love your family including your 20 your partner.

I don't really think saying it (or saying anything else) means something, the feeling is more important than the words ...

I read your whole story and the comments and I'm glad you got out- sure there are five languages of love and blah blah, but if a man doesn't say it or show it, then how can you believe "you know I do?"<br />
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My husband shows it and says it everyday- and I'd have it no other way, I too would leave if a man stopped showing me affection and so on.<br />
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I laughed at your comment about how the therapist washed his hands of your hubby lol- really?! That's crazy, why did he wash his hands? Would your hubby just not listen?<br />
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Last question, how does your hubby feel in all this? Did he at least look upset that it's over?

Almost...nope, my husband wouldn't listen. I think he expected the therapist to tell him that I was being ridiculous. We still see him from time to time as we go through this transition. He feels bad because he really likes us. LOL<br />
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My husband is quite upset over the whole deal. However, not upset enough to try. Then again, why would he? I kept saying "I'm done" in almost every session. It's a case of too little, too late. Ya know?<br />
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Thanks for reading everything through. I don't always have the patience to do so. Hopefully, you enjoyed the little intermission when my friends and I were playing. LOL

FPt- sounds like your husband isn't upset at losing you, but at the fact that he's not going to have his comfort zone.<br />
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You know, like the thief who gets caught, he's not sorry for what he's done, but sorry he got caught.<br />
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Well good luck, my mother left my father after about 25 years of marriage, and funny thing was, my dad cheated on her, beat her constantly (she is now deaf in one ear because of him), verbally abused her, and so on. And THEN he had the nerve to tell her SHE was breaking up the family.<br />
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In case you were wondering, no, I dont speak to him anymore.

Almostthere, I'm glad to hear your mother finally found the strength to leave. It's sad that she had to go thru so much pain in the first place.<br />
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I'm not surprised your father reacted to her leaving as he did. His image of right and wrong, is skewed, to say the least.<br />
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I was surprised to see how young you are (I looked at your profile, yes)...you're wise beyond your years.

Did he at least say it the day he proposed to you?

NO, fearfulguy, he did not. Nor did he say it when either of my children were born. I experienced complications during the delivery of my second child and I'm not gonna say it was touch and go, but there were moments of extreme concern, he didn't say it then either.

Three little words that mean so much. They can touch a person's core, change lives either with their presence or absence - if treated flippantly, they are meaningless, and yet if given their due respect, awe and power, so precious. Just my two cents here IDM, but perhaps its not just to hear them, but also to feel them, be touched by them, and sense their reality as well, to be at onced rocked to one's core by them and feel enveloped by them.

Exactly Lao. That is the exact sentiment I was trying to portray.

Thanks IDM, yes my mom is very happy now, has a great career and I even think she has a bf but doesn't want us kids to know yet lol. Which is fine with me!<br />
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It's funny, my dad recently told my brother he doesn't know why I'm mad at him and don't speak to him anymore, but yet he's the one who told me I'm not his daughter anymore when my parents divorced- PFFTTT the man is insane!<br />
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Thanks, I think part of it was I was always trying to make my dad proud of me- which it never seemed to work :( But it's okay, he made me a stronger person I guess.<br />
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Hope things are going well for you :)

Some guys are born to be jerks. Hopefully, though, he's otherwise a good husband. I can imagine how difficult that must be.

That's terrible! Why don't you ask him why he doesn't say it?

Wow this story sounds like mine. Actually I felt unloved ,unappreciated,and a the bottom of his list I gave up trying.We have been split since feb. of 08 but actually it was over long before that.Its an odd thing now everyday he tells me he loves me and this and that and he even fixed things in the house that were long overdue to be fixed major things but if he thinks this impresses me now think again buddy it dosnt.He says I lost my best friend the only woman i ever loved and I think to myself yea you did.Hmmmm a little to late to hear all this You dont stop loving someone over night it happens little by little.One thing I know is I was a good mother and a good wife not perfect mind you but was loyal and committed.He was a good provider in physical needs so I cant say he was all bad and maybe thats enough for some women.I would have never made him leave except he cheated and lied to me and this gave me a reason to end it all together.Why the heck should I live a miserable life with someone who didnt appreciate me.

Sandra, that really does sound very much like my story with the exception of the physical. My husband stopped put that away a long time ago. Congratulations on taking the steps the you did in order to move on. I'm in the process, but no where close enough.

Wow, this is sad.<br />
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I kind of understand you, because my boyfriend hasn't ever said he loves me for the sake of it... but he's just my bf and he did say it a couple times, if only as a thank-you and such. Plus I never *asked* him to tell me. It seems weird. I would definitely ask if anything's wrong etc etc if I were in your position :o Anyway, hope you're good and such :)

My never told me he loved me until i was in the hospital an they though i was near death. And i didn't tell my kids that for some time and the wife ask why i didn't tell them that and i didn't have a reason for not telling them but i started and made a world of differents with our relationship with them. well what i'm tring to say is did his family ever tell him.That mite be why he doesn't say it.

My husband (now my ex) would say it to me but I didn't really feel he meant it because he would never show me he loved me. He talked the talk but he certainly didn't walk the walk. In my opinion, if he shows you he loves you (just little ways) that is worth it's weight in gold :-)

I find that odd. I said it to my wife without hesitation, and say it now often to my girlfriend. My parents never said "I love you" to me or each other but that has never had an effect on my ability to express my feelings verbally. <br />
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Frankly, i was astounded and surprised someone could be married that long and never said "I love you." Truly amazed...

Grow Up.

Actions speak louder than words. x

Actions speak louder than words. x

one quesotin, what on earth would posess you to marry and have children with a man who never even told you he loved you? You gotta get those standards up a bit higher :) You also can't expect a man to give you confidence that you should have on your own, although sometimes that's why people get married.. heaven knows it's why I've been engaged so many times.. I hope things look up for you soon..

I know some guys who even hesitate to say I LOVE u to their girlfriends....when i asked why...they reply...Its not a man's thing!!....Girls r supposed to say that not guys ...guys are supposed to be manly!!<br />
But my personal experience says it doesnt really matter if its your wife or gf u have plannes to live together then what's the shame in saying I love u...it may be sort of ego thing for some people..!!...but my gf really likes it when i say that and vice versa...bcoz it gives u feeling yaah atleast someone is there for u!!

I had been in a relationship for two years +, my ex never said those 3 little words to me either. Men just don't get how important sometimes those words mean for our women. :-(

My dad never tells me he loves unless he is that drunk and doesn't remember it, and I have never heard him tell my mum that he loves her, and never see them kiss! But altho thoses words never leave his mouth his actions speaker louder and my n all my sisters no that my dad my mums husband loves us all to bits he is there and will do anything for any of us! Yh his hug wud be nicer then his version of a pat on the back literally! But to me its better him showing he loves us then telling me ! Words can be fake an over used ! At least this way I no he is sincere xx

Fear stops people from doing a lot of things - even things which we might deem as "Easy" or "everyday" things. My dad had a tough time saying those three words - he never did for 25 years to me - but I now know that it was his up-bringing which hindered his ability to do this. Be strong x

I love you <3 :)

im glad your story came to a happy ending

I wish I would have read that 12 years ago :/ Thank you for posting. I think, though, that other ppl need to learn what you've learned. That's not an easy thing to learn unless you go through a similar experience...unfortunately. <br />
But good for you and keep being happy :) That's what matters.

Well now I know how the story ends. I am interested because I feel I am in a bad marriage and I read articles about marriage that say we just need to try harder to make it work. Well I have tried for 18 years and he has cheated on me twice. I had an emotional affair and he will never let it be forgotten. He says I love you and forces me to say it back. I don't love him and don't think I can get it back, he is mean and selfish. I am happy for goddessone that she found someone who really loves her and she loves too. Maybe my story can end that way too.

Maybe KIK meant scrapple, which is a regional dish in rural Pennsylvannia and elsewhere.

Hi,<br />
I'm almost in same situation! I think he doesn't care to me!<br />
I always should plan to have fun or change, he doesn't do anything!<br />
I always should do everything that you can imagine!<br />
I'm done! I'm frustrated more than you can imagine!<br />
I am thinking about divorce but I afraid of!<br />
Do you think I'm stupid!<br />
I'm not. because I'm living in a country that it is difficult to do that! <br />
I need your advice. I need some help. I need to know what I should do to bear this life.

Hi,<br />
I'm almost in same situation! I think he doesn't care to me!<br />
I always should plan to have fun or change, he doesn't do anything!<br />
I always should do everything that you can imagine!<br />
I'm done! I'm frustrated more than you can imagine!<br />
I am thinking about divorce but I afraid of!<br />
Do you think I'm stupid!<br />
I'm not. because I'm living in a country that it is difficult to do that! <br />
I need your advice. I need some help. I need to know what I should do to bear this life.

Hi,<br />
I'm almost in same situation! I think he doesn't care to me!<br />
I always should plan to have fun or change, he doesn't do anything!<br />
I always should do everything that you can imagine!<br />
I'm done! I'm frustrated more than you can imagine!<br />
I am thinking about divorce but I afraid of!<br />
Do you think I'm stupid!<br />
I'm not. because I'm living in a country that it is difficult to do that! <br />
I need your advice. I need some help. I need to know what I should do to bear this life.

So proud of you for taking a step in the right direction and finding someone who loves you :)

Love is a four letter word. He either doesn't love you or has major issues admitting it. Lose him and buy a puppy and a 'rabbit'

whaoo, i love u