My Own Stupidity

I've been with my husband for 22 years, married for 20.  Never--ever has he said "I love you" to me.  It's just not natural.  When I ask him if he loves me, he says you know I do.  Well guess what?  I don't.  Just say the words, I plead.  He shakes his head and walks away...........

My kids still tell me, thank god.  My parents used to say it all the time.  My father still does.  I didn't realize when I was young and stupid how much those three little words meant to me.

Now, I do. 

 Update 7/3/08

Today the only thing I can say about all this nonsense is "oh well, his loss".  It's a reasonable request, want, desire from your should have been wasn't........time to let it go and move forward..........


I've learned a lot since writing this oh-so-long-ago.  I've learned  what I love you sounds and feels like when there is no emotion behind it.  I've learned what it sounds and feels like when there is emotion behind it.  I've also learned that actions need to back up the words...and can even replace them at times.  I've learned how not to settle for husband and I are not together anymore, but remain friends.  I'm in a relationship with a man who loves me deeply and in the way I like to be loved...and he let's me love him back...remember, love and loving is not a  one size fits all emotion...

Do NOT ever settle...I don't care who you are...who you think you are....or who you think you're not....everyone deserves to be loved....


goddessone goddessone
41-45, F
195 Responses Feb 16, 2008

Exactly Lao. That is the exact sentiment I was trying to portray.

Three little words that mean so much. They can touch a person's core, change lives either with their presence or absence - if treated flippantly, they are meaningless, and yet if given their due respect, awe and power, so precious. Just my two cents here IDM, but perhaps its not just to hear them, but also to feel them, be touched by them, and sense their reality as well, to be at onced rocked to one's core by them and feel enveloped by them.

NO, fearfulguy, he did not. Nor did he say it when either of my children were born. I experienced complications during the delivery of my second child and I'm not gonna say it was touch and go, but there were moments of extreme concern, he didn't say it then either.

Did he at least say it the day he proposed to you?

Almostthere, I'm glad to hear your mother finally found the strength to leave. It's sad that she had to go thru so much pain in the first place.<br />
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I'm not surprised your father reacted to her leaving as he did. His image of right and wrong, is skewed, to say the least.<br />
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I was surprised to see how young you are (I looked at your profile, yes)'re wise beyond your years.

FPt- sounds like your husband isn't upset at losing you, but at the fact that he's not going to have his comfort zone.<br />
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You know, like the thief who gets caught, he's not sorry for what he's done, but sorry he got caught.<br />
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Well good luck, my mother left my father after about 25 years of marriage, and funny thing was, my dad cheated on her, beat her constantly (she is now deaf in one ear because of him), verbally abused her, and so on. And THEN he had the nerve to tell her SHE was breaking up the family.<br />
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In case you were wondering, no, I dont speak to him anymore.

Almost...nope, my husband wouldn't listen. I think he expected the therapist to tell him that I was being ridiculous. We still see him from time to time as we go through this transition. He feels bad because he really likes us. LOL<br />
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My husband is quite upset over the whole deal. However, not upset enough to try. Then again, why would he? I kept saying "I'm done" in almost every session. It's a case of too little, too late. Ya know?<br />
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Thanks for reading everything through. I don't always have the patience to do so. Hopefully, you enjoyed the little intermission when my friends and I were playing. LOL

I read your whole story and the comments and I'm glad you got out- sure there are five languages of love and blah blah, but if a man doesn't say it or show it, then how can you believe "you know I do?"<br />
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My husband shows it and says it everyday- and I'd have it no other way, I too would leave if a man stopped showing me affection and so on.<br />
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I laughed at your comment about how the therapist washed his hands of your hubby lol- really?! That's crazy, why did he wash his hands? Would your hubby just not listen?<br />
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Last question, how does your hubby feel in all this? Did he at least look upset that it's over?

I don't really think saying it (or saying anything else) means something, the feeling is more important than the words ...

married for 20 years and living together, are u unable to know his actions which could have shown that he loves are not.If the words only says that loving you to please u and in reality if not what is ur dont try to explore that he still loves u r not -- u can get all that from ur kids & you love your family including your 20 your partner.

Rose, I noticed it before, but thought I could handle it. It's a non-issue now as we are going to be divorced.

i know how you feel. i find men have a tendency to not be as vocal as women are, and we find ourselves constantly asking them, what are you thinking, do you have an opinion... I myself have had to ask my boyfriend if he loves me at times. People are people, and they need reassurance sometimes. In your case someone who you've spent a life time with... but I cant help but wonder... why didnt u notice this blatant avoidance of the subject before?<br />
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I hope your situation changes for the best. At least you have family that loves you and aren't afraid to show you your worth. good luck :)

I'm not answering that line.....leaving it well alone (LOL)

You wouldn't have me any other way....<br />
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Well, I believe we have effectively thrown this story off course!<br />
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Good job, mate! ; )

Oh you are a cruel woman. I shall stroll off to do just this (LOL).

OMG...I know...LOL....he went to bed...that's why you need to pm him, this way when he logs onto ep in the morning, the song will be there waiting for him....LOL

I think he's off somewhere else. He was last observed working overtime in charming the pants off KinkyFlower (LOL).

You are pm'ing right now, aren't you? I mean really, what a lovely way to start his day....rofl

I wonder how long the tune will stay in his head? Then I can remind him again tomorrow - just casually hint at how funny it was and it'll all come flooding back (heh...heh...heh....)

Nope, no sympathy here...and I'm still just laughing away!!

I sympathise - but it doesn't stop me laughing.

I find it interesting that neither one of us has any sympathy for DS...LOL

ROFL - DS, it'll be there for awhile.

He he he....poor DS...

Lao, I hate you right now. That song is stuck in my head....

Now I feel like we're playing Jeopardy

That, my zen friend, is the million dollar question.

Ah yes - I thought you'd know. Thanks DS. Just enough of what?

nah, we're all "just enough."

You guys are too much...LOL

Extreme, Lao. 1990. <br />
<br />
The lead singer became an interim singer for Van Halen after Extreme went belly up.

Ah HWP - always ringside seat for you - just watching and waiting (LOL).

I'm leaving the quirky thing alone. I feel sorry for those poor fish in the barrel.

Ah..DS...who was it who sang "More than words"? Appropriate don't you think? Who's egging people on - not me (LOL).

No, but ther'es no reason he can't have fun too...

Lao, must you egg them on?

DS and HWP, do we really need to answer IDM's question on whether she's ahem..a 'quirky girl'?

"Deeds not words" love... the problem is, there's no actions to provide proof either.

It makes absolute sense to me. Does that make me a quirky girl? LOL

makes sense to me, but it doesn't help, lol.

Just my little quirky thought on this. I reckon the words do mean something and that there is love behind them. But just because someone loves you doesn't necessarily mean that they are loving you or in love with you - does that make sense?

I hope that you find a woman who can do the same for you, Abyss.

I hear your pain....for me....i hear the words all of the time from my wife, and yet they have the same strength, the same weight, emotion, and the same passion as if she were asking for me to pass the peas. Ive always thought that people who say it as often as my wife does...belittles the very idea of those special words. And sure....its a shame your husband never used them at all....but what i have is a barrage of them with as much meaning as the seldom used ones you have. Add the kisses a get that are as cold as ice.....<br />
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and i might as well have married my old college dorm least he didnt have a shopping addiction to QVC.<br />
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I do wish you all the best....and hope that someday you find a man that can not just say those words you seek...but mean them. Feel them....own them

mine tells me every day --they are just words that mean nothing.

That's right sweetheart, it does...LOL

that leaves more chance for us. LOL

Nope, never said it...and he won't have the chance.

Did your husband say I love you when you first dated or soon after your marriage. I appreciate hearing those three little ... and I was lucky to hear them often from my second husband. Best wishes to you. Nan

Emotional, he may have felt it, but not only did he not say it, but neither did he show it. Not anymore. The point is moot as we have chosen to go forward with the divorce.<br />
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If you feel it for your husband, and don't say it, make sure you show him.

Im a woman and Im the same way. I dont like saying I LOVE YOU. The more Im asked do you love me? the more pressured I feel. I dont like expressing emotion or affection, my husband does. When he says I love you, i say thanks. When he asks me do you love me, i say "i married you didnt i?". Your husband does love you as I love my husband, but I CANT SAY IT BECAUSE THE WORDS MEAN SO MUCH TO ME. I dont throw it around - when i do say it (I think ive said it once when we were dating) I felt it in my heart and soul that when I beathe I had to take another breath for him. Dont push it, It'll come and when he does say it trust me HES REALLY FEELING IT.

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That was very sweet of you to say Josie...thank you....<br />
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I love you too....

Same for me, the kids say it but that's all. I tell my wife those words and she just walks away to do whatever she has to do.<br />
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Oh, well. Let me tell you, iwantmore ... I love you. You are a wonderful lady with great insight and some very good and snappy comments.<br />
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Have a great day.

Sad, but true Kitten.

*sighs*....funny thing is, that's the way it is for many people tell me how brave I am, and I have to laugh...I don't see it.....

There ya go, Kitten...however he chooses not to....whereas I choose to move forward...but before I can, this Cowardly Lion needs to take a little trip to Oz and find the courage to do so.

KIK...wink right back at ya....<br />
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Princess....thank you for the compliment,,,and yes there are a lot of good men out there. <br />
<br /> husband was raised in a family similar to the one you described, but by now, he should have been able to if not change, then at least make some adjustments, plus there is a back story here...and I'm not sure how much of it you know....

You will. (wink)

Maggie...I don't allow kissing, hugging, hand holding or anything of the sort anymore...sometime between when I posted this story back in February and updated it in July, I put an end to it.<br />
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I will say this however, since being on EP at least, where I've been exposed to so many men (no pun intended), I've learned that they aren't lall like my husband.<br />
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Now, to find one real life that I can keep ;)

Husbands... my husband does not share his emotions and it is a control issue with him. Occasionally I get a " I love You". His idea of kissing is a peck on the cheek. What is it with these middle age men! His choice of conversation is BUSINESS. <br />
Sister I understand completely.

Thats sad. My new husband tells me all the time. I don't believe it thou. Maybe he should just shut the hell up and say nothing like your husband. I don't think I could tolerate it though.

you where living together for two years right! well there Lies the problem [MARRAGE] LOL!!!!

you know <br />
i just want to say<br />
i was with someone who sometimes would do such lovely things and then other things i would be 'dismayed' that he didn't 'naturally do them' but then i realised that i was 'expecting him' to do all this stuff - which he just simply 'didn't know about' or 'hadn't occured to him'<br />
so therefore i was literally beating myself up because I was feeling this sense of 'denial' whereas it was quite simply much more basic and straightforward than that. That certain things just simply hadn't occured to him. <br />
He seemed to be a 'natural' at some things, and then other things, if he 'wasn't perfect' then I would get terribly neurotic about. That didn't help of course. <br />
Then for example, it occured to me to start 'saying things to him that I liked' <br />
and then 'lo and behold' he started to do things for me, and say to me that he wanted to do these things for me, because he wanted me to be happy with him. <br />
Of course, it made me feel divine, because it made me realise that he did care, and he was listening and it was just simply a matter of giving him cues, so that he would know how we could get on better, and then he really enjoyed responding to that. <br />
Not everybody is perfect 100%<br />
so it kind of helps to give people the chance to teach them how to be good to us sometimes, even if we feel 'stupid' to say things like that to them. <br />
Some people enjoy being given 'cues' to respond to.

Thank you, Josie

I'm sorry to hear that, however I stand with you in your decision and determination to seek you life as you see fit.

My kids spouse doesn't say it or show it...which has led me to the decision to walk away from him...

I hear you and with you all the way. My kids still do ... my spouse of 25+ years doesn't, even after I've said it.

I agree with you, Jameelamystery. It's logical if a man or a woman has some love feelings about a person, to express them in some way, whether it be spoken or physical acts (giving presents, kisses, etc). It's true like some people have said here there are many men that are not prone to express their feelings verbally due to their upbringing or psychological fears they might have. But it is contrary to nature and they would have to feel so bad if they feel a lot of love and they don't want to express it in any way... That leads us to the conclusion that if an individual doesn't express love in "any" way (some don't say the typical words "i love you" but do other things to convey it) it is strongly sure that he doesn't feel it for their partner. <br />
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Sadly, I've had to come to this conclusion with my kid's dad. After noticing he didn't say the words, I've been realizing there are many things that he should have been doing and he never does. Let alone the selfishness some people have and we have to put up with...

its understandable for you to desire to hear this.Really my opionion is that it is stingy to have loving feelings and not expressing them is like being a milionare but eating tunafrom a can and choosing to live in a shack with with water dripping on your head.Its sad when you have to convince and plead a case for something that should be so easy and natural for some one to do.I am seeing some one who is the same way and i want to tell him how important that is to say but then do i want him to tell me because i CONVINCED him that will take away the impact when he does say it maybe.<br />
you deserve to hear it i am saddned that this is something you live with and pray for the love you deserve to show itself keep us posted please <br />
with love <br />
j has crossed my mind. <br />
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Been there, done that, got the t'shirt to prove it for all the rest...the marriage counselor has even washed his hands of my husband. <br />
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Gotta love a teenager ..... you say it as you see it...<br />
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That's really screwed up...maybe you should explain to him why you need to hear those words. Like say that you know he loves you but you need to hear those words, and it really hurts and disturbs you that he can't remind you every once in a while and that it means a lot to you.<br />
Or maybe he's gay.<br />
Or he might just hate sentimentality.

hm.<br />
i was just reading how men show 'love' in different ways. <br />
don't get discouraged by your husband 'not saying the words'. <br />
maybe you could look at it ob<x>jectively from an open minded point of view (with no judgements) and have a 'interested chat' to understand what his 'fear' is - maybe he feels unappreciated if he shows it to you in different ways, and wants you to feel that he 'just loves you' from his 'heart' without the need for words, and doesn't need to say it. <br />
maybe it feels fake for him to say it, if he is just saying it to make you happy, or because you 'want him to' - he resents that, so he is going to resist your pressure on him to do so, just because you want to force him, and maybe you forcing him makes him unhappy. <br />
it's got to come from 'him' to be real -and of course I guess you are just feeling the comparison with how it was in your family - so that's why you feel sad about it. <br />
maybe he comes from a family where 'men were weak' to show their feelings. that is very common, and women obviously don't have that stigma, so we (i am female also) don't have that understanding of what it is to be a man who is conditioned to 'be percieved as macho' by the rest of the world, much to our 'female dismay'. <br />
he is not the same, as those from your family background. so you have to feel appreciated from him - in his own unique way. <br />
if you appreciate him more, that will help him open up, and if you say 'i love you' to him more yourself, maybe that will make him feel like he is in a comfortable atmosphere where he can say it back to you. who knows. <br />
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Love is about 'exchange of energies' after all, so try and feel where his love really does come from and take it from there.

Those 3 words are wonderful to hear! My dad still tells me everytime we talk--sweetheart, I love you!---he's told me it forever---and it's always wonderful to hear it from someone you love!! And to say it back!

I know how you feel I have a a wonderful boyfriend of 2 years who is the same way. But I look at his actions not his words, he also shows me by the looks he gives me, the fact he calls me everyday when we're both at work, he calls to see if I'm ok just because, calls me when I'm sick, and the look in his eyes when we're talking or fooling around, tells me more than those 3 little words ever could. But you're right it would be nice to hear it, I just don't ask him because I've learned men hate that. I read on Yahoo or on Oprah's website on relationships that men don't say it because of many reasons but it doesn't mean that they don't love you so realize when he says "you know I do" he does. <br />
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My boyfriend has all these little pet names for me, which he uses and has long before we got serious so I knew he deeply adored me.

whats important is that the 22 years of being togather in a lovely setup called marraige and having a peaceful fruitful life for both. you dont have to be told that you are loved . love is feeling both of you have to feel . its that simple

I lost my soulmate just as I was preparing to propose- at a most intimate moment I told her how we never expressed love verbally in my family because that was the way we were raised.-I couldn't contain myself anymore and blurted out for the world to hear "I LOVE YOU"to her because I truly did for the first time in my life (age 57) and repeated it several times later in conversations. To make a long story short, she then broke off our well-going relationship because things were "going to fast". Now I sincerely don't know if she'll ever come back to me and whether or not I'll ever be able to say those cursed words to any other woman ever again.<br />
Sometimes I believe silence can be golden.

Thank you KIK.....<br />
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Saint...KIK pretty much stated the short version

she is loving girl and of course children. Not easy when you have responsibility.

and you stayed with him for this long because???

That's right, KIK...we do...

LOL....IT....right back atcha' LOL

we all love you we all love everybody here. Hmm Do we? I know I do. LOL


Hey IWM do you remember that one group I made.. I think I see them again.....

Does he act like he loves you?<br />
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Actions speak louder than words. Of course, if he doesn't act like he loves you, then you have bigger problems.<br />
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On the other hand, no man wants their wife to tell them what to say or how to say it. Insisting that he say certain things or to say something a certain way will only drive a wedge between you and him.

Saying "I love You" is a simple act of commitment. The most important one. If you can't say it, you can't commit.<br />
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I feel sorry for you, because I've been there as well.<br />
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I can't give you any advice. You'll have to decide whether to leave him or accept something less than true love.<br />
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True love, however, does exist. It's just damn hard to find.<br />
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Oy vey, another blockhead....

Be careful, you dont cut off your nose to spite your face.....words can be very cheap...judge him by his actions not his words...<br />
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Ask yourself these questions:-<br />
Is he a good husband?<br />
Is he kind to you and your children?<br />
Is he a good provider?<br />
Is he a good man?<br />
Is he a boozer?<br />
Does he take drugs?<br />
Does he come home each night?<br />
Does he work hard?<br />
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When you get the answers dont crucify him ....the most perfect guy apparently got hung up on a cross...<br />
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Count your blessings...dont create pain for yourself and your children because you think you need to hear I love yourself and you dont need to hear it...for you know he loves you by his actions...

There are no actions of love....

I have no doubt not hearing those words is very hard to take. I don't hear them often from my husband but it does make me smile when I do. Even though I like and sometimes need to hear those words, I do think society has built the phrase up to be much more than it is. <br />
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'I love you' is so easy to say and often used too freely I believe. I think it's important that your husband shows you he loves you rather than tells you. Anyone can say it, but not everyone can show it. Hearing 'I love you' has never made me FEEL loved and that's what's important - the feeling.<br />
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Just think - what if you couldn't hear or you're husband couldn't speak? Would it mean he didn't love you? Not at all - you would know from his actions of love even if you could never hear the words.