It's A Long Process For Me

The first person I told that I was in love with a girl (for a year) was a random guy I was convinced I'll never see again. I actually did see him, but nvm. His reaction was: awsomee, would you ever concider a *********? And to be honest that was a nice first reaction to hear (no matter how offending or stereotipical it may be for me now). I was 19. The second person was a reallyyy close friend of mine. Again a guy. It was just so much easier to tell my male friends first. His reaction: thank you soooo much for giving me that mental picture. lol. Again it was flattering and kinda accepting. So the third person (after 3-4 months, when I was 20) was the girl I was in love with. I was so obssessed with her for a year and it wasn't going away. I was sick of me being always obsessively in love with girls for looong periods of time when nothing was happening in reality. So I realised that in order to stop, I must tell her. I have to hear a "NO". I did. I got a "no". Unfortunately I got some other stuff too. She said: "Nooo don't say that, This isn't normal for me, why me?, why are you telling me, of course I never felt anything for you, we're never having this conversation again, tomorow stay away from me". Well guess what? We're in the same group of friends on university and for months every single day she avoided me, she was trying not to sit/stand next to me, she was on a meter distance from me and pretended I didn't exist. She never even made eye contact. I mean that **** hurts even if you don't care about the person. She acted like she was mad at me. And made me feel guilty. Made me feel guilty for being gay (like I didn't have enough feeling of guilt already). I think this experience had made my coming out process longer. She made me go back a few steps in my closet. After few months I told most of my close friends, they we're all wonderful and accepting. Told my brother. He's fine with it. It took me maybe another 9 months to actually meet queer girls. I am now 21. I still haven't kiss a girl. I am still not out to my mother. I know some queer people, but I still wouldn't say that they're my friends. I hope I'll get closer to them. So here I am now:)
notnownotever notnownotever
18-21, F
1 Response May 12, 2012

You shouldn't feel guilty for being gay as you did not choose to be gay, being gay literally chose you. If something is destined to happen to use we need to embrace while we take control of our destiny. The first thing to being content with ourselves occurs after we embrace who we are and what it is we are doing. If we don't embrace it, true happiness will never occur.

I am happy for you that you have been able to come out, and deffinitely understand that there is an entire community out there that accepts you and embraces you. Be strong, be confident, and be true to yourself....without being true, you will never be happy.


Scott.