I Wish I Knew From The Get Go

I wish I knew that my affection for all of those "best friends" over the years-- meant so much more. I always knew I was different, my mother confided in me that she knew I was different, but I simply never figured it out. Now at age 36, I have come out to my wife and my family. It was a rough road leading up to it, but the relief I have felt and the joy of my blossoming identity have sparked a new chapter in my life.
It was the end of October and for the past few weeks I had begun to take stock of my past feelings for the men in my life and the fantasies and experimentation from the puberty years up to the present. I struggled, am I gay or am I bi or are these simply feelings men have sometimes. My convictions are strong and if at one time in my life my parents told me, "you are not gay," well, I tended to hold that conviction, even at the expense of my sanity.
The battle for my identity took a physical and mental toll and after three weeks of near constant thought I broke down in front of my therapist. I told her I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted to die. She escorted me to the local hospital for an evaluation. I was placed in a behavioral health unit to tell my story countless times. It was here I would come out to my wife with the help of a staff therapist and to my family while they gathered for visitation.
Three months later I still do not know what step to take next, but I am confident that with my homosexual identity realized I will now walk the path I should have begun walking two decades ago. Thank you.
T.
13thgen 13thgen
36-40, M
Dec 7, 2012