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Most Painful Experience.

I was in elementary school,fourth grade,my best friend and I were arguing about our dads.She was insisting that her dad had the better job,and I was insisting the same thing of my dad.All the sudden she blurted out,well your dad is'nt even your dad,I was stunned.I said yes he is,she said no he's not,ask your mom.That was the end of that argument,she shut me up quickly.I just knew when I got home to ask mom,my friend was going to be in big trouble for lying about my dad.I could'nt think for the rest of the day,all I kept thinking in my head was, why did she say that?Why would she say such a hurtful big fat lie.The school bell finally rang,I took off in a flash,running and running all the way home.I kept saying to myself,she's a liar,a liar,a liar.I see the house,I'm almost there,I'm going to ask mom,I'm here,running up the steps,I ran into the house,into my room,there's mom sewing on her sewing machine,my oldest sister is sitting on one the beds.I tell my mom,mom Darlene said that daddy is'nt my daddy,she's a liar,right,mom?Complete silence,no sound,the sewing machine stopped moving,still no sound.Mom never looked up from the sewing machine,finally she said in a low,quiet voice,HE"S NOT.HE"S NOT,HE"S NOT,HE"S NOT.It echoed in my brain,I thought to myself,ok,I just heard wrong,I did'nt just hear my mother say ,my dad's not my dad.Of course dad's my dad,he lives here in our house,he's my dad and I'm his little girl,it's always been that way.I asked again,daddy is my dad,right mom,right mom?No, you have another dad,go outside and play.I stayed staring at my mom,I could'nt move, my sister got up and took me by the hand,come on lets go outside.My sister sat outside with me,she told me that we had a different dad,my 3 older sisters and I.I asked well if daddy is'nt my dad,WHERE is my dad,he lives in another town.I don't remember anything else,about that day,except that night,I cried and cried and cried,I wanted my daddy to be my daddy.I did'nt want the other dad.I cried to GOD,GOD,I want this dad,PLEASE GOD,I want this dad to be my dad.My heart was broken,It hurt so bad.I was mad at the world,everyone knew my dad was'nt my dad,except me.DUMB,Stupid,little me,even my cousins knew,even my cousin that was the same age as me,she knew,I hated the world,everyone was a liar,EVERYONE was a liar.Well,nothing could change that day.Nothing I could do,from that day forward,my life changed,the man that I thought was my dad was'nt my dad.My heart was never the same,I did'nt trust people,people lied,the whole world must of thought,what a stupid girl I was,we had different last names,but I never realized,he always acted like my dad.He loved me ,oh,when little brother was born,things did change,I just tryed to act like everything was still the same,but it was'nt,how could it be.

TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 7 Responses Aug 20, 2008

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Hi lovis4u,thank you for your comments.Yes,it did bring back painful memories but it helps to finally get it all out.It is definitely helping with the PTSD that popped up out of the blue in 2004.This expereince wasn't the first flashback that I had to remember but it the most painful one to remember.I always remembered my experiences but never dealt with the emotional pain!!

Okay, now it is getting weird. My genetic dad was an alcoholic and womanizer (but also a physical abuser to my mom when drunk). I remember my stepsister as an baby, and her mother (another alcoholic) would continually dip the pacifier into a bowl of suger and put it into her mouth to get her to stop crying. How did I know as a very young child that that was wrong?! I remember really missing my Nana and Papa. When my mom remarried their picture disappeared from my dresser, and I was very distressed about it. She gave me an explanation, but can't remember it now, as I am sure it was beyond my intelligence at the time. I do have a lot of questions about the other aspect of my genetic family, but I can't information from my mom. I really feel for her, getting divorced in the 60's was not easy for a woman, todays generation would never understand. She really endured a lot to protect me and my sister.

WEll I hope that one day you will be able to meet your sister.I also have an extra sibling which I have never met.My dad who at the time was an alcoholic and a womanizer,got another woman pregnant at the same time that my mom was pregnant with my second to the oldest sister.I would love to meet him,I think it was a boy.Actually I have only met one cousin on my dad's side,I have many relatives who I've never met.I would love to meet all of them one day!!

I do not remember/know what my genetic dad looks like, but saw a picture of my stepsister, she looked just like my sister and I. I was amazed. Guess that proves who had the stronger genes. I have bad memories of him, my sister was too little, has none. I would love to meet my stepsister, but not while my genetic father is alive, I do not want him in my life. I know that sounds terrible and unforgiving, but it really isn't. I hold no luggage about it, just don't want to add any. Your experience is completely different, and I am glad you were able to meet him. You are also lucky to have had two dads!

Hi pz,thank you for your nice comment,yes,I have 3 older sisters that helped to explain things.Mom always hated talking about my real dad.I eventually met my real dad when I was 18,we looked like twins*BIG PROUD SMILE*.Both of my dads are gone now but I still love and miss them!!

What a devastating experience. I can feel your heartbreak in your words, and see the liitle girl desperate to understand what it all means. I am glad you had an older sister to take you by the hand. She seemed to drop out of your story, but I hope that she was kind to you, as you are so full of kindness yourself.

Oh, honey, I see why you can relate to my broken heart. People keep such silly and dangerous secrets sometimes to make life go smoother. <br />
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I wanted to let you know that my daughter and her love discussed it and they think now they will wait until he comes home at the holidays to get married, which should mean I can be present.<br />
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I wouldn't stand in her way, but I will be deeply grateful if I can be there when they take their vows.<br />
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Thanks for your comment - it's nice to know there's someone out there listening.