This Is My Story

They think it is something you can get over. That you are being selfish. Ungrateful. That’s what you are told, to ‘perk up’. Or to stop whining.
I wish they knew how it felt. To be like this, every day. Knowing you are stuck like this till you die.                                                          
It doesn’t just affect you ****** up brain, but you’re ****** up physical self.
The shakes, the breathing, heart palpitations. Being unable to move, walk, talk, eat, and sleep. Or being able to do all those things to well.
Never being normal. Just going from one extreme to another. Drama, drama, drama. Drama you do not want.
You try and fight it, but the black fog surrounds you and you become so, so lost. You can feel so overwhelmed and so emotional. Then feel so numb at the same time. You can watch days go buy as a blur. Be on the outside of the world looking in. Looking through a frosted glass at life.                                                               
It’s not you, this, this disease, this illness that takes over. It is a whole other person. The bad person in your brain. You try and lock them away, bury them deep. Just like bad memories. But they have a habit of biting you in the *** and you’re trapped. You see it all and you just can’t stop.
It must be like this when you are addicted to something.
You just want to sleep and stay that way. Sometimes you just want to die. Sometimes you just want to know what it is like to feel alive.
But this is me. This is forever for m now. And you know what’s worse? This all could have been completely avoided.
Yes ‘depression’. Most of you don’t know what it is. Or you treat it like a person who is foreign and talk to them as if they are deaf or dumb. Treat them as if they are physically ill with leprosy or something and avoid them like the black plague. Or you’re one of the ******* in life who pretends to care and gossip and back stab. Or you’re the amazing friend who has no clue. The family member who doesn’t give a dam.
Some of you are good with it and treat us like NORMAL ACUTAL PEOPLE. Even though to be honest we aren’t, or why the **** would we be depressed?
Depression is like this for me. It varies for a lot of people. There are loads of reasons why you can get it. Change. Loss. Chemical imbalance of the brain. Physical illness etc.
For me it was my child hood and my oh so loving parents, and how I would do anything to protect my sister and look after my Mum. My Dad. Keep things behind closed doors a secret. Well I thought it was all ******* normal didn’t I. So why would you say when you think every kid in your class gets the same. Then you find out one day at school in a class. The you think. Oh ****. No wonder everything has gone to ****. Then you are ****** because you alone in a situation you can’t get out of. Ever.
So here is a bit of background history.
2 Years Old?
We lived in a village. In a maisonette (**** council flat.) This was before my sister was born and when she was born. This is what happened in 3 years. Well the significant memories to help you feel what it was like. The dreams and things no 2year old should ever have or remember.
My first memory of my mother. Pushing me into a chest of drawers. My white chest of drawers. With the gold handles on, all because I wouldn’t put my baby away... I had a big black old fashioned pram for my baby dolls. I had a black baby doll with a nice knitted cardi and a white one. I was a 2year old having a temper tantrum, I do believe terrible two’s is terrible two’s for a reason. So she yelled at me. Real bad. I wasn’t scared though, I knew it was my fault ad I~ was being naught, and that I deserved it. I was just a bit shocked and numb as I know Mum was scary, she made me feel so uneasy. I didn’t like it. But I went bang into those doors and it went black. Theses chest of drawers were right the other side of the room. My bedroom. My bunk bed that dad mad me. My single bed in the corner near the window. My cot from when I was a baby and my wardrobe with my pink indoor pop up tent in it. I loved that tent. And my big grey and white spotted rocking horse. I remember thinking that room was so big. That everything was so big. I know now that it was small and over crowded with crap. It was so suddenly black. I woke up in mum’s arms, the other side of the room, with her crying and rocking me saying she was so sorry. That she was a bad mother. That she didn’t mean to. That it would never happen again.
When most domestic abuse happens the victims are told it is a one off and stupidly believe it.
I knew she was lying and that it would happen again, and a lot more, something would happen every day after that. Some physical, emotional and neglectful abuse would happen every day until I would be ill and get a break from it, and until I did the stupid thing I try so hard to hide.
I didn’t cry at all. I knew I was naughty, that I should have done as I was told, so therefore I deserved it. I was ‘a little *****’ who had her ‘discipline.’ That was the day my childhood went. If you think at 2yrs you have a childhood that’s when mine went and I never had one and never will.
One time I spilt some lemonade and got a good old kicking. Mum cleaned it up, but I was wasting her time being a burden. I was on eggshells the whole time. One time I asked to try coffee. She made me some, it was too hot, it burnt my mouth, I didn’t like the taste, a coffee taste horrible to me now, makes me nearly vomit. I hate it so much. I refused to drink it. She slapped me a few times, said I was being ungrateful, I asked for it and I shall have it and not be so wasteful. She forced me to drink it, then wacked me about even when I did. Then made some stupid ****** origami flower to say sorry and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. It wouldn’t happen again. The flower looks like a scrupled up bit of paper. We both knew she was lying.
Then she got pregnant. The moods got worse. Every day, twice or three times a day I was a punching bag for her so she could let out her emotions. Mum and Dad’s arguing started. The bitter arguing that saw them shout, saw mum hit dad, saw her run away. Saw her try and kill herself countless times. Saw her say I’m leaving you both. You hate me and I am **** and worthless and your both king-sized ****. I’m leaving and am going to jump under a lorry. I cried. I loved mummy so much. I didn’t want her to die. It was all my fault and I tried every day to make her happy and not annoy her. I was never good enough. I was stupid and I got things wrong and I didn’t mean to. It was all my fault why they argued. But when my sister was in Mummy’s belly it got worse and when she was born I hated her so much because Mum’s moods were so much worse and I got it all. At the same time I was glad it wasn’t Deborah. But I hated her so. I think I was just so jealous she didn’t get it. I had to have it all. That was how it was I wanted it to stay. I didn’t want D to get hurt. She would, no matter how much I tried to stop it and she hurts now, I tried to make it all better. I did. I tried to make Mum cheer up.
When I was in reception at my first school BH I missed the school bus. All of us in reception did. Because my name was first on register I was always first in line. The teaching assistant told us to wait here while she checked something. She was gone ages and we couldn’t work out why. Then she came back and said I told you to follow me not wait here! The buses left an hour ago. How could you not check behind you and notice 10 4-5yr olds not there???? It was her fault we all said she told us to wait here. We were 4 so even if we miss heard it is up to her to check. I thought that then and I think it now. Anyway teachers took us home. I got in. Mum was hysterical, crying and screaming at me. Said she called the police and how could I be so stupid, that it was all my fault and I was a silly little ***** and that she looked like a bad mum now. (Well news flash, you ARE a ******* bad mum!) I told her what happened I said sorry, I was so upset then I got my leg stuck in the kitchen chair and I got in more trouble and I was crying and scared and she was hurting me because I was bad. She said she was going to call the fire brigade to get my leg out but in the end it comes out. But she hurt me still. I always wore clothes to cover it looking back, and she was clever, marks were where no one could see, and in the visible places she would hurt to leave a mark for a little while but be gone by the time dad got back or the next day.
Anyway D had hip dysplasia or dyspraxia or something and was in and out of hospitals so I didn’t live at home for a while, I lived with family and neighbours while she had the operations and was looked after. I never got attention of Mum and Dad. I missed a lot of early primary school up to year 3. I think I missed most of year 2 because of this but I moved schools in year 1 because we moved to a house for d. Still council house. Still **** coloured brinks!
Basically D’s hip wasn’t in probably and if left she would be disabled and one leg would be longer than the other so they screwed a big metal thing into her leg and we would be in and out of hospital with this until near the end of primary school when she  had It out. She is fine. It never bothered her. She is so energetic and sporty you would never know, there is just a worm looking scar on her left thigh and a white thin scar on her left hip. It’s what makes D, D and I love her for being her.
R. he was this older boy who lived below us. His dad was in prison. His mum looked like a fat Lesbos alcoholic. He knew what mum was doing, and made me kiss him on the stairs under the coats, full on tongues at 4. I knew how to snog please a ma and make them point. I didn’t know what *** was or what it was called. I didn’t like it, he smelt funny but he said if I told Mum would call me a dirty little ***** and beat me up. He was right. And he said If I didn’t he would tell on me or make up something on me. And she would believe it. We both knew he was right. I was 4 and I understood all this. Well it started like a 3 and stopped when I moved.  I didn’t count it as sexual abuse, I completely blocked it out my mind and only put the dots together when I was about 16. I never told anyone until it was too late and he didn’t realise how bad it was at the time. We both had abusive homes. Not an excuse for him. But it’s obvious how his dad and mum are. I don’t know what happened to him. I saw him once when I started secondary school in year 7, he made a sly comment to me about what happened, so he knows it was wrong now and he was so sick and perverse. I was scared of him. I avoided him after that. That was the last time I saw him. He is one fugly son of a *****.
5 years old until let’s say 14 years old.
The end is the bad thing.
I was always ill forever at the doctors with tummy ache, looking back it was because I was always being pushed on the floor and kicked in the stomach.
We always used to argue the whole family. Me, mum and dad. Separately and together. She would always run off and go to kill herself and say she would never come back. Oh me and d used to wish it true. But she is al full of B.S nad all DRAMA. The attention seeking sod. All for dad. So would come back. I would go round the village in my pyjamas or nightdress all the time looking for my mentally unstable mother and once people saw and I was crying shouting mum, they looked at me funny and kept walking. So much human compassion.
I broke my toes once playing tag in the housed with D. It was quite funny. I turned round and said ‘ha, hah you can’t catch me!’ then I turned back and went smack into a wall. Karma! Serves me right. I broke my arm once kicking a football trying to show off in year 6. The primary school field had a hill  and I was going down it to play and a ball came up so me trying to show off kicked it fell over it and broke my arm. I was glad these times as I knew mum wouldn’t hurt me while they were healing. She was on her best behaviour for a short while. We didn’t really speak for that time.
I broke all my toes in the other foot the next time. So all my toes have been broken. That time Mum was arguing with be and pushed a coffee table onto my foot deliberately to hurt me and broke all my toes. Dad saw he was there. I was never allowed to go to the doctors about it. I never got a sorry. She said it was an accident. How do you accidently push something over. Dad didn’t exactly see as he had his back turned he admitted, but what mum says must be the truth because she is a ******* saint. She always used to write me note off for P.E. Probably because she hurt me or wanted me to hide the marks. I never noticed them. Looking back I was always bruise and cut and could never work out why. Oh How stupid I was.
Arguments with mum and dad, Year 3, Granddads , Wardrobe, Arms, ‘arson’, Cricket pitch, Glass bottles, Conifers, Spoons, Shaking, Hair, Knife, Locked out debs, Not letting d get hurt, Mum saying about miscarriage condoms and devil, Spitting on me, Putting d to bed, Hiding in our rooms, Distraction technique, Breaking things, Me running away @ 6 and 13, Diabetes, Year 6 swearing, Ringing dad/dad knowing, Forced to church and refusal to go, Bullying for Jesus freak
The bad thing
So the bad thing. The thing I never speak of unless I absolutely have to. The thing that I always keep a secret till the very, very last minute. The thing I hide.
So 2 weeks prior to me doing this Mum and me had a massive fight and she trashed the house, smashed glass everywhere and ran out. I was so fed up. Every night the same thing. The only thing keeping me going was D. But I just couldn’t anymore. I had been crying every night since year 6, since I realised exactly how wrong this all was, and how it didn’t happen to everyone like normal as I thought. None of my other friends Mum’s beat the **** out of them and their sister. And their Dad did not chose work over family, or ignore what was going on, or stick their head in the sand or whatever they didn’t do that they should have done.
Basically in year 6 I stayed in at Lunch to finish some work, (a special privilege in primary school,) so the teacher wrote your name on the board if you were allowed, and these girls. Complete utter bullies, and now slags might I add, were in too and they were basically bullying me saying I wrote my name on the board and I was a liar and a Jesus freak. (Just my parents are,) and so on and so forth. So in the end I called J, one of girls, a ******* *****. This shocked and astounded everyone because in primary school, swearing never happens. Probably does now because primary schools manage to turn out slaggy year sevens as easily as politicians manage to lie. Anyway they told the teacher and I told everything about my home life to that particular teacher. Made her promise never to tell. She never did tell. She promised not to. So by doing that a teacher broke some laws, she could blame herself for the ONgoing years of suffering, physical and emotional pain me and my sister endured, but I made her promise not to tell. She kept her promise to me, I suppose that’s good in a way, or maybe she just didn’t want the paper work and a **** up on her hands.
So Mum trashed the house, broken glass everywhere. She ran off in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time leaving me with my 11year old sister to sort out, the house to clean up and Dad doing a night shift again. Always working.
I couldn’t be arsed with looking for Mum. I tidied it all up. Put D to bed. I tidied everything up except for a bit of glass and then cut my self with it. On my left arm, nearly halfway down on the inside of my forearm and that is how my self-harm started for about 3years, it was quite weird using my right hand to self harm because I’m left handed. Well I am a bit ambidextrous when it comes to things.
That is how the self harm started. It was that night I though to myself. Right, I give up, Mum has won. I am going do end it all. I just wanted to go to sleep and stay asleep, maybe even dream happy dreams. I got a bit crazy planning it all. I made a little scrap book of ways to kill myself, all the options, drawings and diagrams, it is weird, like someone else was in control when I look back. In the end I chose overdose, I remember drawing a noose in the book about hanging myself, a knife to slash my wrists and throat, a car to jump in front of, a building to jump off, it went on and on. If someone really wants to kill themselves and it isn’t a cry for help like mine was, they will do it. They will end up dead. It’s like a druggie, if they want the smack, they will find a way to get it.
So skip forward 2 weeks and it is a Friday and really snowing, school finished early because of the snow and I had somehow managed to fall out with all my friends so I thought today is the day. I just know I had a really **** day and stuff was still going on at home with Mum, so went home, pissed about in the snow abit, made a few comments to people about not seeing me again, I was really in a dark mood that day. Went home, took all the paracetamol, Ibropfrufen and calpol I could get, walked to the park and waited to die. At the time I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t dead, let alone I was standing in the freezing cold for 3 hours. I thought the tablets would make me sleep and die. Now I know paracetamol is one of the slowest most painful ways to kill you and can take up to a glorious 2 weeks. Anyway I  went back home, sent goodbye texts to some of my friends. One particular friend (who doesn’t give two ***** about me now,) rang me worried and made me tell my parents what happen.
Boy oh boy did Dad flip. D was in bits, Mum was understanding, went to hospital and told a lot of lies. Mum came up with the lie actually, she seemed to think I did it because I was stressed with schoolwork? What a ******* dumb ***. Do you realise beating your kids to **** may have something to do with it you fucktard. Told the lies and got away with it.
So a week or so later Mum and Dad sit me down, in a corner of a room and tell me they are forcing me to go to the doctors because I am depressed. Oh and that I haven’t been right for a while now and they are worried about me and don’t know why. IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!
I told the doctor everything; I also told the counsellor at school everything. So social services got involved. (For all the **** their worth.)
I was in a science lesson and I had forgot to do my homework and I was thinking excuses up and the school counsellor comes in and sys I have to go with her, when I get to her bit of the school D is there too  and there is a social worker. The Social worker (S/W) takes us to Leicester to this stupid child friendly, big brother type house to film our confessions of Mum. (of which D mostly lied at the time.) They S/w took us to macdonalds and it was like 11pm now and ******* it down. We transeferred to another s/w car with a different s/w who would be our social worker. Auzzie we will call her. She took us to our temporary home.
Foster Care.
So as you know I started self harming. By now I moved up to a razor and in foster care I remember it getting really bad, the only instance I can remember is when Mum and Dad came over to ‘talk’.
It was a warm day, it was only spring but felt like summer, I’m sure I had school that day and by now everyone knew I had tried to kill myself and was in foster care, except my own friends?! Did not believe me, they thought I was lying. So it was pretty ****, to top it off I got to seemy mother and father. We ended up arguing and Mum called me a liar and to stop being a ‘silly girl.’ Before she had said that ot me after I tried explaining stuff at home and she called me a silly little girl so I threw my drink over her…
One night not long after that I stayed over a friends and got completely pissed, drink blots out the bad stuff for me, I just can’t stop when I start. I still struggle with it now, but I aint stopping drinking, it helps me be warm and fuzzy and not remember. For a while anyway.
Any way I ran upstairs, found my razor in it’s hiding place, went to the bathroom and just kept slashing my arm, I did it well. I did this every day. I just stood there slashing my arm, crying and staring at my ugly, fat, worthless reflecion in the mirror, in the end  A&E (foster parents,) found out and took my razor off me. That wasn’t the end of it though.
Dad’s choice (He chose WRONG!)… So A few weeks in, or months, when social services were getting bored of me they anted to turf me out. Dad spoke to me about coming home and I said, “I will come home, if Mum leaves, it’s your choice.” He said he loved us both very much and could not chose. Well he obviously chose Mum because I didn’t see her having to move. I moved. I was taken away from everything and everyone. So Mum got her way.
The social worker also told me why mum had kids apparently, because she needed people/babies to love her and when we grew up because she was a crap mother, of course wehated her. So she hated us.
So at the end of foster care w had a family group meeting, to decide what to do with me and d, like we were objects in Mum’s game. Wait…we are bjects to Mum. Well Mum and Dad said to us, we will get a dog if you come back and you can chose, D wanted a dog, so she went back. Mum chose the dog. It wasn’t D’s dog. It was Mum’s. Lies, lies and more ******* lies. I also at The FGM Mum playing the victim. I wish I answered back and stood up for myself more. Why do the liars get the help, support and believed. In this world you lie and get everything, you tell the truth and you get worse than nothing. You would be better off with nothing, but you get all the bad stuff and **** thrown in your face.
This is random but my parents have their ******* PRAISE THE ******* LORD attitude, which is so ******* ironic. They believe the church is their family but they are a bunch of gossipers who believe Mum and if religion is true, why would my Mum be a ******* child abusing ****? Oh, and they forced me to go to church and if me or D didn’t we would get a nice beating from Mum.
DRI just want to say I have the best partner and son in ther world but here is a brief thing of my Post Natal depression, Jack’s birth and my stay in hospital…
My battle with the continuously **** NHS. (The email says it all……)
I gave birth to my son at Peterborough City Hospital on the 2nd February 202.
I have several complaint-
1) Midwife injected me with Pethidine and and Anti-sickness injection without asking. Me and my partner had to ask what she had injected me with.
2) I was left to labour after my waters had broke which were green, and was hooked up to a monitor and was not checked on every 10-15minutes as I believe this should be when the are monitoring babies heartbeat.
3) I was only vaginally checked twice. One when I came in after my waters had broke. and one after I had been given an epi-dural. I was fully dilated. If I had not had an epi-dural I would have been able to push out my baby and not have forceps or a 3rd degree tear.
4) I was told I was going into theatre to have a forceps delivery. My partner and father of my child was told that it was to have an emergency c-section. When I got in the theatre I had nurses ask me what I was in for as they said I was in for a c-section and I was told forceps.
5) When I was staying on the Maternity ward, myself and several other women were told not to buzz because they were to busy and no one would be able to help. I was suffering (and still am suffering with post natal depression.) The other woman could not get out of bed to pick up her baby.
I hope to hear from some one soon and thank you for taking your time to read this.
Many thanks,
Leah Allen
We also have a house and the landlord is a tightwadded ******, we spesnt thousand doing up this house to make it ‘livable’ and struggle with damp and everything and he wants to put the rent up when 2beds aren’t even going for anywhere near aas much and they are in better condition and cheaper by a hell of a way. But that doesn’t bug me any more because my partner who is the bees knees shares problems ike that. This is a later I nearly sent, and we have talked to him about this but he refuses to do anything.
Dear Mr tightwad,
I am writing to inform you about the issue of damp in your property.
Damp is rising up the walls from the floor causing paint to come off and there is damp around windows and in the bathroom.
The damp is a mix of rising damp and condensation.
We have already paid for and fitted an electric heater fan in the bathroom to help with the steam and do open windows for ventilation. We also wipe down windows daily to get rid of condensation on them.
However through the house there is damp still and black mould. We do try and get rid of this with a mould killing spray but it keeps reappearing.
We are worried about the damp and black mould as we are about to have a baby and are worried about any health problems it might cause.
We feel in the bathroom that maybe an extractor fan would also help get rid of the steam.
We do not know what to do about the rising and feel as our landlord you should be able to come to an agreement with us to fix the problem.
We have taken and labelled pictures of the damp if you would like we could also request a professional opinion.
We are also having problems with the toilet as it drips a blue clear fluid as if there is a leak, we keep wiping it and cleaning it and wiping off condensation however it appears as if it may be a minor leak.
Nursery-Where I used work that accused me of child abuse, the bastards.
A letter a sent to principle.
I previously had sent you a letter (written by hand, as my computer was broken,) and I also sent my resignation which you should have received by the 20th September.
In the letter was my version of events about what had happened and my concerns about the Nursery and it's staff. I also accepted full fault for my actions.
Incident 1- 9th August 2011
I was feeding a child at lunch time and did not realise I was over feeding the child as they kept opening their mouth for more food and their mouth appeared to be empty. I froze in shock and did not want to hurt the child.
I am sorry I failed to failed to respond to  this, there is no excuse, I do have a Paediatric First Aid Certificate but I feel training should have been  renewed, as I did the training in 2008/9.
Incident 2- 18th August 2011
The child fell and and hit their head, I immediately checked the child and applied a cold compress (wet paper towels,) to the right side of their face as I knew that is where they had hit.
When I checked the child a red rash was appearing on their right eyebrow, but I knew they had hit their right side of the face so made sure the cold compress covered all the area and sat with them to try and soothe them whilst I held the compress on.
Another member of staff in the baby room next to me called me over and asked to look at the child, I did as I was told and they asked where I thought they had hit themselves. I explained that I had checked the child and noticed a rash was starting to appear on their right eyebrow but was still applying the compress to their whole face. The staff member then shouted at me saying the rash was on their cheek as well and to go and get someone to pass me an ice pack through. I went to call the staff member from the other room to go and fetch me an ice pack quickly, instead they wanted to come in to send me an ice pack, which I felt wasted more time as they could have gone and got the ice pack quickly, but I did not want to argue and waste more time so I went and got the ice pack.
As I was going over to the child with the ice pack I made a comment about something happening in another room as I felt as if the staff were talking about me, this was silly but as I will tell you some things later in this letter you may see why.
There was also about 3 or 4 children awake as they were having snack whilst this incident occurred.
A few weeks before this I was outside with a staff member when a child fell and hit their head. I wanted to go and get the child an ice pack but they said not to and not to worry and at the time there was no one to go and get the ice pack.
Other staff witnessed this and knew I had wanted to go and get an ice pack and the child's head came up with a bump and was red. I asked the staff member  how I should fill in the accident form and they said to write down that cold compress and cuddles had been given when in fact no cold compress was given. Writing the accident forms was all still new to me and I was still being shown how to write them. As the staff member was room leader I did as I was told.
*Signed off sick for 2weeks*
Incident 3- 8th September 2011
I have been struggling with the reusable nappies and was trying to make sure I did nappy changes so I could get used to them I apologise for putting it on wrongly but feel it is an easy mistake to make and have had to be shown them a lot and was learning and did not always put the nappies on wrong.
Another member of staff on the same day was also putting them on wrong in the other baby room and had to be shown how. This member of staff has been working at the nursery for some time and had been there a long while before I started.
I know that when nappies are put on incorrectly a child can become sore but I did not mean to put the nappy on wrong, I thought I had put it on correctly, I am grateful that Emma took me aside and showed me how but I am new to reusable nappies and have never come across them before and feel it would be an easy mistake to make if you are new to something.
Although I had been at the nursery for quite a while I still had not had much experience with reusable nappies as I am usually put in different rooms through the day, depending where the staff wanted me.
Incident 4 - 8th September 2011
The lid on the milk was difficult to secure and appeared to be on correctly so I put the child in the high chair and gave them their milk whilst getting them a bib. As I was unlocking the cupboard for the bibs the cap of the bottle started to leak and I rushed to the child to secure the cap and check that the were not wet, but I obviously missed that their leggings were wet and am regrettably sorry.
I went to get them a bib and as I went to unlock the cupboard I realised the keys were not in my hand and must have fallen out in the confusion, I saw them and immediately took them off the child. The other staff member did not tell me about the keys, I noticed them myself and immediately took them off the child.
I was not allowed to be left on my own with children so I  was doing all the things that needed to be done outside of the room as well as in the room.
*Signed off for 1month*
Throughout all of these incidents and working at your nursery I had clearly been suffering with stress, depression and anxiety. The doctor had signed me off work. On my return from my original 2weeks off sick I had not been given any support by staff and feel this contributed into these incidents.
I feel that none of this would have happened if I was not ill. No one has  ever given me the chance to say my version of events or write them down. I accept and apologise for all of my faults but I feel some of these are mistakes that can be made by any of your staff and that there is lack of communication.
I would also like to say that Sue discussed my attitude with other staff, she said that I apparently talk down to them which I feel is completely untrue and was upset and hurt by this, I explained to her how it was untrue but instead she told me of an event which apparently showed that I was. I listened but did not agree and was not sure if it was me that she meant.
I know that I ask questions and feel that it made me look stupid and not the staff. I highly respect all the staff at the nursery and value their teaching and experience.
I would like to talk to you privately and personally about my concerns with your nursery and staff because I feel this also contributed.
I feel if I had have known how the staff at your nursery were I would have never have taken the job and the job very largely contributed to my stress and anxiety.
My concerns are unprofessional ism of staff, staff and the manager swearing in front of children/babies, staff talking about one another in an unprofessional manner, staff complaining about the manager and seniors, seniors and staff complaining about the manager, manager and seniors and staff all complaining and unprofessionally talking about each other.
I feel that all the staff and managers do this. I understand this may look like I am only saying this because of what has happened but these are genuine concerns that I have and would like to discuss them with you.
I would like to discuss this with you privately, confidentially and anonymously. I do not wish to name, names unless required.
I also ask that you keep this letter private, confidential and anonymous.
I will go onto say that all you staff are fantastic with the children and are 110% dedicated to their job and they are very good at their job.
I apologise for all my faults and accept all the blame. I have let you, the staff, the parents and the children down and can never ever make it right.
I sincerely apologise and am resigning.
I have sent you this letter and my resignation before, as said, but will attach it, and my doctor and psychiatrist agree this was the right thing to do as the staff and nursery was causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety.
I would like to discuss with you perhaps over the phone or by email my feelings on all of this.
I am sincerely sorry and do not think I will work in care or childcare again.
Yours sincerely,
Leah Allen
D- So I got pregnant and have to move away from L&N’s and live with Mum and Dad, when I was there D was doing weird stuff, over exercising and not eating. But walking round the coffee table in circles constantly and exercising weirdly. Dad said he knew this has been going on and had been going on for ages but it was fine. D started self harming. Badly. So bad blood was dripping off her arms. Many nights I had to bandage my sisters arms up. It tore my heart to pieces. I love ,my sister so much I would die for her. I would do anything to take the pain away. Iy’s my fault I should have protected her more when she was little. Mum did bad **** to her too. I would get In the way so Mum would hit me instead, IU would physically shield D. But I didn’t do enough. I used to put her t bed and lie it would be okay. I let my baby sister down. I’m so sorry D. I really am.
She tried to kill herself lots of times, I was heavily pregnant dealing with this, going to hospital constantly with her and she was going in and out of a psychiatric ward. Long story short the NHS and social services have repeatedly let her down.
She did go in foster care but ran away, not the first time she has ran away but it started a frantic search found her by a train station trying to kill herself. If she dies part of me would. I know I can’t die because of Jack. But I can’t see myself living if my sister dies. I let her down so much.
She also ran away from the psychiatric ward too, the police found her fairly quickly at Tesco trying to buy paracetamol to kill herself. The psychiatric people say she doesn’t have any mental health problems, for the record.
I can’t speak much about her stuff, it isn’t mine to tell, but I will tell you are parents were and still are in denial and she lives in a care home not, and Dad has still chosen Mum.
She recently told me (after many years of building up a relationship with my Granddad and leaving us alone with him,) that he sexually abused her as a child. He never said sorry, they have never spoken about it, but she has forgiven him, because you have to move on, like I should do with her. No one knows if this is a lie or the truth. Most think it’s a lie. I do not know and never will.
So not long after this I told Mum to kill herself and she took an insulin overdose and was in hospital for a few hours, Dad was going to call the police on me because it was Manslaughter on my part apparently. Still he was on Mum’s side. Most people this she faked it and didn’t take her diabetic stuff as she has crappy sugar levels anyway.
Police station-
Recently I went to the police station to re-open the case to try and prosecute Mum. They told me as the case was opened when I was 14yrs old, you only have 6months to take it further or they close it and you cannot do anything after that date.
They said Mum only admitted to slapping us which is common assault. She didn’t even get a caution. There was not enough circumstantial evidence. Unless Mum hurts me and my sister again she gets to walk around as a child abuser. Even though the police claim to believe us that is the way it is. So peadophiles, child abusers etc canget away with stuff. What is the point of not taking justice into your own hands?
L & N’s-
When I moved to my aunts and uncles L&N’s I was smoking and dabbling in weed. Just dabbling and getting drunk whenever I could.
Well eventually they found out, I got in big trouble and they took me to the police station to han yself in for etting drunk under age, not quite sure how that works.
N also banned be from seeing my friends and boys as they were a bad influence, he admits now that he was too over protective, but I understand why they were like that and they helped make me better.
But N and his attitude also made me very depressed as when I went out with my friends he said that I was obviously going out to have sex and that I was a **** etc, many arguments like that happened.
But they were trying to overcompensate with me as their own children went through many problems too.
I also stopped eating there and lost a lot of weight and probably was anorexic but I am fine now but do struggle sometimes, me and my sister are both the same. We just want to be the opposite of Mum at any cost.
I missed a lot of school because of my depression, and had lots of panic attacks that caused me to leave school half way through the Day, I would also leave college sometimes because of the same problem.
I also at one point was seeing 3/4 counsellors and psychiatrists a week. I have continuously being psychiatrist and counsellors and still am since my suicide attempt and am now on antidepressants. I still struggle a lot.
emolichious emolichious
May 22, 2012