I Have Been Scarred For Life...

Within the last year I've had an experience with cyberbullying that nearly caused me to end my life. I know it sounds awfully dramatic but I promise you I am not just some emo kid overreacting to things! It was very real and very traumatizing for me.

Someone stole some modeling pics of me that shouldn't have been posted in the first place as they were not the best out of the bunch and were NOT my best work by any means...but some creep got a hold of them and put them on this awful website I wanted nothing to do with. They should have ended up in the reject pile, but no... A few people eventually started making comments on how I wasn't pretty, saying my face and body weren't nice, and I think someone was even posing as me and posting comments to stir up more sh!t. I was called unattractive, average, delusional and a stupid *****ng c*nt...the list could go on and on. I have always been EXTREMELY sensitive about my appearance so I could not handle seeing this. I had a complete mental breakdown. I cried to my friend on the phone since no one was around and there was not too many people I could call. I should have admitted myself to the hospital but I didn't. I think I sat in the dark for literally days after that and went to school with my head down, sunglasses on and a cap pulled over my face. I couldn't even look anyone in the eye for a while because I felt so bad about myself.

The tormenting continued despite several attempts to have the images removed. I was completely shocked at how much time and energy they were putting into this, considering there were most likely grown men!! After a while I guess someone finally made them take the thread down, but I am still very scared that something else may be floating around out there. Unfortunately the idiot photographer I used to work with still has those awful, ugly pictures posted on one of his profiles despite knowing how much harm they've caused. I think he is doing it out of spite because I stopped working with him and there's nothing I can do about it without digging a deeper hole. I am afraid to google myself right now because I have no idea what awful things he may have posted recently on other sites. I live with the constant fear that they will get out again. Those creeps even went so far as to dig around and find out my real name. I mean it when I say they need to GET A LIFE!

As for the website with the stolen pics, I was completely powerless to stop it because they would not block anyone from posting and I had no way of ever finding out who was responsible. I really hope they are suffering as much pain and terror has they put me through. I can only pray that they get what is coming to them.

I really do wish there was a better way to stop cyberbulling so no one else will have to go through this kind of pain. It was by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am doing my best to get over it and move on, but it still effects me and I still think about it. My self esteem was never the greatest, but now it is almost zero. I need constant reminders to keep me from feeling ugly, like saving a text message or facebook comment where a friend tells me I look pretty. I know it may sound a bit pathetic in a way, but it is one of the ways I deal with things now. I sometimes do extra things for myself (new clothes, makeup, tanning) in an attempt to change my appearance to raise my self esteem a little and feel more feminine. It really does take a million "you're pretty"s to make up for one "your ugly/average."

I apologize for this being a bit long winded, but I wanted to tell my story to somebody. I want to do all I can to make sure people who do this kind of stuff get to deal with the consequences. Bullying/ cyberbullying is not just a thing that happens amongst high school or middle school students. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime no matter how old you are or what you are doing in life. No one is safe from it. Luckily this site seems to have some pretty cool people on it and I haven't yet encountered major problems here. I do hope it says that way so I have a place to share my experiences without being judged so harshly.

Just remember that when you see someone on the internet you never know what they are going through in their real life. You don't see the actual person and could be judging them by something completely inaccurate. We are all guilty of it at some point, including myself. We just need to be aware of it and take the necessary steps to change it. I really do hope someone out there understands and can relate, at least a little bit. There's really no good reason to be harassing someone you don't know and will never meet in your life, especially if you are a grown ADULT!! I know its bad enough when kids do this, but at least I can kind of understand that they probably don't fully realize the potential harm they could cause someone. But when it comes from adults who should definitely know better and have better things to do in life...my faith in humanity dies a little. It really makes me sad knowing there are adults who waste their time harassing people on the internet. I do hope those people get whats coming to them. Thank you for reading and god bless... :)
babycrickett babycrickett
22-25, F
Dec 14, 2012