I Reserve Judgement

I try my best not to judge people. I grew up being judged by adults and peers because of the way I dressed, my social status, my looks, and my personality. People rarely took time to know me. They didn't realize that the reason I was so reserved and shy was because I'd spent my life moving from place to place. My father had been in the Army until I was nine years old. Then, because he liked to live beyond our means, we spent more time moving to escape the bill collectors. This was before the computer age took off.

My father was over-bearing and thought that his children were in capable of independent thought. He reminded us as often as his temper allowed that we were stupid. He was a truck driver and I loved him so much. When I was twelve he was working on something at the kitchen table and I brought in my little transistor radio playing a truck driving song. I wanted him to hear it and know I was proud of him. He looked up at me and said with a sneer, "You smell like a period. " That's a memory I never forget. That's what I see when I look at him. That sneer. He has his favorite children, but it's never been me. I'm his least favorite.

That's pretty much how I was treated by everyone in school, too, as I grew up. With the exception of a few who took the time to know me, I never had any friends. I'm shy and reserved. I try not to say too much. I try not to judge anyone, because of the way I had always been unfairly judged. That's where my shell originates from.

theredlady theredlady
41-45, F
16 Responses Feb 17, 2010

Good for you girl .......

You are right , of course Salar. I did choose my shell. It's so much harder to leave it than it was to build it, but I'm almost there.

One cannot change the past ...... but we can influence the effect it has on our future , your fathers attempt at parenting may have been poor , but it has taught you not to have such a synical view of people . That shell is your shell were you want to be , time to take a walk outside and not judge but make up your own mind on the people you want in your life ....

Thank you. I am glad you like them so far... :)

Wow, it's a shame you were treated so. I've only read a few of your entries and already you seem to me a smart and caring person :) I am very interested to read what you have to say, so keep it coming! :) have a magical day!

Ahhh Kitti... I think it's painful even now... but I learned something through it. Another motto I live by. *Out of all evil must come something good.* I hope i have learned that lesson well enough.

oh redlady I am so sorry ...no child should feel that ... I am so sorry for how you felt , and I am happy that you have EP as a support and a way to meet people that do appreciate and love you the way you are

I have learned..... I guess. I remember and I don't want my children to look back and tell a similar story about me. I don't want them to feel as though I wasn't loving to them equally.<br />
Thank you for that IVP. XO

Thanks LV... perhaps what draws us close is this small similarity between us? We are independent and those around us don't wish us to be.

I can totally relate to this, I have always been the least favorite child, I don't mind it anymore, but it was really hard when I was a child.<br />
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I try not to judge people as well, great post

*bows Low* your wish is my command.

Just keep up the good work...<br />
That make me happiest of all ;)

No you are not. Thank you for that. You caught me at a weak moment. LOL I need some spackle to cover that hole!

Here is one man who is not like that :)<br />
I knew you could come out, and you have!<br />

It's an overwhelming feeling to know that. I'm not perfect, I know, but I am very happy and proud to have met the people here on EP. They have made me feel more welcome than anywhere else, ever.

Your father and all those people who judged you without bothering to get to know you missed out on the treasure that you are. I(and the many friends you have here) feel blessed to know you!