In Defense Of Nothing

So this is an area I know quite well. Standing in defense of my life, trying to prove to others that I have a right to be alive, and that I'm smart, and viable and worthy.  {shakes head}

I just realized how very much like junior high that sounds.  It must appear that way also.  I was trying so hard to impress people I believed were intelligent, admirable people.  I wanted them to believe me to be intelligent and admirable too.  Of course, they actually weren't going to believe that.  They never were going to believe that.  I could offer the dozens of IQ tests I've been given over the years, and my scores.  They weren't going to think I was intelligent.  I could write amazing prose and express profound ideas.  They were never going to believe me admirable.  Whatever they actually saw is lost on me entirely.  I have no idea what they thought, think or will ever think.  That uncertainty made me try even harder to impress them.

I always thought that if I didn't defend myself, that I was then, indefensible.  I thought if I didn't prove to everyone and anyone, exactly how worthy I was, that I would be worthless.  I wanted specific people to value me, and my intelligence.  But really, what could they have possibly seen in me other than an annoying puppy much too enthusiastic that "master" returned 5 minutes after departing?  Who was I defending?  And to whom? 

Funny thing about self-worth:  you don't care if people see you as worthless when YOU see that you're not.  When you value yourself, and your gifts and continue to be a better person all the time, you stop caring if anyone else sees it.  When you believe in yourself, you don't NEED anyone else to.

I wanted certain people to like me, and I wanted to be in their circle.  I wanted to be liked and respected.  I wanted those things more deeply than what is healthy because I didn't have those things for myself.  I would never block someone because they might be a potential friend.  When I blasted people, I got really scared inside because I knew they would never like me.  I just went through my first semester of nursing school, and not only was I smart enough to get a 3.5 GPA, but I'm someone the rest of the class went to for questions about how things fit together.  It was MY competency outline that was selected for the entire class to study.  That's no small beans, I did the work, and I did it well.  Why do I need the accolades of imaginary people I will never meet?  My EP friends, they're important to me, sure, and their opinions matter because I love and respect them.  But EP people who are not my friends aren't going to be impressed with anything that I could ever accomplish.  In the absence of their approval, what have I really lost?

Why do I need to defend myself to people who aren't in my world?  No matter what I feel about them, if they don't like me back, why expend the energy, or the effort; and why think less of myself just because someone else thinks little of me?  "No one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission."  I don't know who said, but I never understood it before.  I don't give my permission to be made to feel inferior or unworthy.  I said that when I ran out in the night away from my abuser.  I already faced that degradation for 20 years. 

I've owned my mistakes in my life.  I've apologized for the things I've done wrong.  I've made amends wherever I could.  I do not need to defend my life to anyone.  I'm in defense of nothing because I know what I'm worth.
TrustIsEarned TrustIsEarned
46-50, F
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

You are more priceless than all of the gold that is in the world. You befriend those that have been friendless, gave and give comfort in the form of words that hug those in need, look at your fears and minimize them. You, sweet lady, are a friend who I have come to not only respect but the cherish. ((hugs)).

Thank you 1osd for your kind words. Sometimes it's really hard to keep believing in myself when some people lash out at me and want me to feel horribly about myself. At the end of the day, I need to avoid these people. And you, my friend, are a very bright spot in my life. Thank you for being my friend.